Like any piece written by me, it should be known that I am in my bedroom wearing the pjs that I put on immediately when I got home while drinking a glass (or a bottle) of wine and smoking a cigarette like I am one of the most experienced female dating gurus of the 21st century (and no. I do not mean Cosmopolitan. Are you kidding me with that sh*t? 54 ways to please your man? How about 54 ways for your man to please you because that’s where the talent is. I mean, it’s too easy to “please your man.” Wear a new bra that has a bit of lace on it and BOOM he’s done).
This is a survival guide for the Single Girl on how to deal with the most stupid Hallmark Holiday that has ever come about.
Full disclosure before I start. If you are reading this (and are in a relationship) and get offended by saying “hey this b*tch has no idea what she was talking about.” Then let me be the first to say: Why the hell are you reading this then? It’s called Valentine’s Day and the Single Girl. If you are in a relationship and get offended (although I have no idea how you would) then clearly you have been dating for so long that you forgot what it is like to actually be single…and how to enjoy it.
So this is your first Valentine’s Day being single? Well then, Congratulations!
I’m not going to say “Sorry for your loss” or whatever. I mean yeah, breaking up sucks but think of it this way: you guys broke up meaning that it probably wasn’t meant to be and you will be so much better without him. Or hey! Maybe you are better without him and you broke up with him. Anyway… First Valentine’s Day alone can be tricky so here are some steps to get through it that I find are the most fun (note: must be legal drinking age to play):
If you have single friends and they didn’t make plans with you on Valentine’s Day so you wouldn’t end up thinking about how lovely a necklace a noose would be well then….they aren’t really good friends, now are they?
If you aren’t doing a “Galentine’s Day” then you will (sad to say it) truly be alone for Valentine’s Day. Not to worry because as someone who is always alone on Valentine’s Day, I can say that I have created the most fun, carefree way to “celebrate”.
Step 1: Go to your local LCBO (or whatever liquor store) and pick up maybe 1, 2, 3 or hell 4 bottles of wine.
Step 2: Go to your local pot dealer (of course if you are against pot then I would say skip to step 3) and pick up about a gram of weed. Remember- you should have something to smoke it with.
Step 3: Go to your local grocery store and pick up- ice cream, chips, popcorn, chocolate and anything greasy (and no I do not mean the 18 year old “thug” smoking outside of the grocery store).
Step 4: Pick a good slasher flick that you can curl up on the couch to like you are forcing your now ex boyfriend into watching a rom com starring Katherine Heigl. (May I suggest any of the Friday the 13ths, Halloweens or Nightmare on Elm Streets. They are classics for a reason.) The slasher flick is always a good idea because, if you aren’t getting any on February 14th then why not watch people who are get sliced and diced?
Step 5: Get black out wasted on your couch while stuffing your face with your munchies. Get high as a kite and sh*t your pants with horror flicks.
Step 6: Whilst in the midst of your wine drunkedness, always have a friend on stand by that you can call (just in case you cry) so she can b*tchslap you and make sure you don’t do anything stupid…like call your ex or message every guy who you thought was attractive on Facebook. I mean…we’ve all done it…
Step 7: When you wake up in the morning on the floor of your living room or on your dog’s bed, it is important to not question why your vibrator is across the room or how you even obtained one (if you already didn’t own it). Never wonder why your pants are in the fridge and your bra is on the tv. And if you didn’t have a friend on stand by…delete the text messages and act like nothing had happened.
Step 8: It is okay to puke at all the pictures you see on Facebook that have captions like: “my man treats me right.” or “when bae gets you.” and other bullsh*t like that.
So to all the single girls out there on this horrendous “holiday”, I say God speed. Go get laid.