I’m a 20 Year Old Political Wunderkind and I’m Here to Do Crimes
Hey guys, it’s me — the boy on Twitter who has keyboard-screamed his way into being relevant. While keyboard-screaming on Twitter about Oprah being antifa and other very valuable things of that nature that has undoubtedly been rewarding, I think it’s time that I expand my career into doing crimes for Donald Trump.
I decided to ease into it, so my first crime is going to be a light one. I’m just going to try and take down Special Counsel for the United States Department of Justice, Robert Mueller. You know… two years ago, when I graduated high school, my classmates and I talked about our plans for the future. Some of them were going to backpack Europe, some were going to college, and some were going to join the workforce right away. When I told them I planned to spend my time on Twitter, riding my father’s coattails and making up stories about being in hipster coffee shops, they thought I was stupid. Well, who’s stupid now? Surely not the guy who’s going up against an FBI director with a poorly thought-out scam that won’t withstand even the slightest bit of scrutiny.
I assume taking down a literal FBI director with fake sexual assault allegations in the wake of the Me Too movement will be rather simple, as I doubt journalists spend any time verifying the validity of these claims. Should be as easy as setting up a fake intelligence firm website registered to a phone number on my mom’s family plan (Get my own cell phone plan, you ask? What am I, an adult? No!), “staffing” the “firm” with various stolen pictures of celebrities and myself, and arranging a press conference at the best Virginia Holiday Inn conference room my allowance can buy. When it comes to crime, you know what they say — ”first plan is the best plan.” At least, I assume someone has said this.
There will surely be critics — people who say I’m “bad at crimes,” or “didn’t think this through, not even for a minute,” or that I’m “not even old enough to legally drink.” There will be people who say “It’s not normal that you, a child, feel like you have to commit a crime in order to help support the president who’s under FBI investigation,” and people who say, “The very fact that you’re trying to take Robert Mueller down is proof that you believe Trump cannot withstand FBI scrutiny by his own merit, so you must take Mueller down with cheap, deceptive tricks.” To those critics, I say only one thing: I haven’t had time to think of an answer to any of that yet, so please give me a few days. I literally *just* thought of this and rolled with it, alright? Give me a break!
Look, I may not be the smartest guy. I may not be the second-smartest guy, ether. Or the third. I may not even be anywhere on the list. And I certainly won’t pull this off. But at the end of the day, there’s at least a 90% chance I’ll make it out of jail with an offer to become a correspondent on Fox News. And that, my friends, is the kind of winning Donald Trump promised us.