Part One

I think it would be hard enough to finally see the person you are in love with for who they really are on any terms. If the love of your life is a bad person and you could never see it until it was too late, until you were broken yourself. What’s more difficult is to see the impact your actions have had on the person you love and who they have become because of it.

As someone who grew up in a hostile environment with the genetics predisposition for Borderline Personality Disorder paired paired with the abandonment enacted upon by my mother; I think it is safe to say that living with this illness has dramatically effects the love of my life.

4 years, a quarter of the life that I have lived, I have been lucky enough to call him mine. For four years up until 2 weeks ago I was denying even the possibility of having any sort of mental illness. For three years I have been exhibiting possible symptoms of mental illness. For three years I have emotionally tortured him. For three months a year ago, I lost him. For one year I’ve continued to make poor decisions. In three days I have another psychiatric appointment.

For every knot I tie in the rope, I chop away at my idea of the quantifiable love he has for me; the quantifiable love anyone could have for anything. A non-empirical idea of love, having fluidity, is too daunting. Yes or no, a portion or the whole, love or no love — the only way I can rationalize any emotion or task with out welling up and breaking down over the fact that I can not and will never control anything that has to do with others.

I couldn’t control the fighting, I couldn’t control that I was born with a defect, I couldn’t control my mom being sick, and I couldn’t control the scoliosis surgery I had to have hundreds of miles from home. I wasn’t able to control the impeding death that would come for me and I wasn’t able to control the fear and pain that welled over me.

To feel like you have become aware of your own mortality is something that the human mind has difficulty processing. For someone who has trust and abandonment issues, it is an event worthy of self destruction.