This Year to Remember My Father I Chose to Forgive

This week has been quite busy. From commuting to San Marcos for grad school and having two field days one in Llano and the other thankfully closer in Gonzalez. It has been pretty hectic. I didn’t get to do anything for Dad this Wednesday, September 14th… This year marked 15 years since he has been gone. As many people may know or not my father was shot and killed when my siblings and I were very young, myself being 9 years old at the time. It has been the most difficult occurence in my life but as the years have come and gone I have been able to see the beauty out of the destruction of that day. I thought about him the whole day. I played our song “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith about 20 times as I drove to San Marcos, I prayed a rosary for him, and I reminisced all the memories with him.

There is something different about this year though. I don’t want to say the usual things like I miss you dad and you were a great a man. I say those things every year and I mean them now and always will. You loved your children with such a ferocity and you have been one of my main influences and inspirations in pursing my Bachelors’ and now my Master’s degree. You always believed in me. You pushed me from the very beginning. You treated me like a princess but not the fragile kind dependent on a prince to save and rescue her, but like Princess Leia or Xena Warrior Princess. You brought me up to be smart, tough, and to persevere especially when things got hard. I didn’t understand what you were trying to do at the time, and I thought you were ridiculously hard on me but I get it now. And I am so thankful.

A big part of who I am today and all that I have done is because of you. Of course I have stumbled quite a bit along the way, and I know I have done many many things that you would not have approved of. I am not perfect but one thing is certain I will make more mistakes, I am still struggling to understand this life, I am learning, but I will not give up on being a better woman.

With that I know comes the time to finally do something I should have long ago. I wish that this understanding had come sooner. I wish I would have been more open hearted, but I had let the circumstances of how you were taken away from me harden my heart. Don’t get me wrong I am still working on other areas of my life that it has affected. This year, 15 years later, I am able to come to peace with something that has tormented me for more than a decade. This year and I think it is even more special because this year is also the Jubilee Year of Mercy. The year where Pope Francis has called us “To be merciful like the Father”, declaring that “We are all called to give comfort to every man and every woman of our time. Do not forget that God forgives all, and God forgives always. Let us never tire of asking forgiveness or giving forgiveness.”

Today, I endeavor to live my faith and those word out. I forgive the man who killed my father 15 years ago. This is such an important step in my life. I have let anger and pain rule me for some great time. It is not something I am proud of, but it is something real and I believe its something that we all struggle with at one time or another in life. This was a most challenging thing to forgive but I know it is the right thing to do, and I do it with peace and joy in my heart. It does not mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore, but that I am able to forgive and move on in life just as I hope all who were affected by this can forgive and move on. I hope that anyone going through something like this, worse, or less even, that in your instance you are able to forgive. If we are to make a better world then we have to be able to have mercy, love, and forgive each other even in the worst of circumstances.

I mean can you imagine Jesus being beaten, scourged, beaten some more and spit on, and told the most horrendous and degrading things as he made his walk to be hung on the cross to save us; and even as he was hung cruelly on the cross He still said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34. Even then that most atrocious moment He was able to love and forgive those who were persecuting Him. How beautiful is that. Are we not called to do the same?

I’ve learned many things over the years from this life changing moment and I am still learning… I’ve learned to love more than you think you should. Give more than you think you should. And forgive more than you think you should always in every instance and area of your life. One of my favorite people to hear talk is Father Mike Schmitz, and he gave a great talk on forgiveness where he says “It is important that you make the decision to forgive because God has commanded it and has made it clear that we are forgiven to the extent that we are willing to forgive those who have hurt us. When we release others from their debt, it is only because God has released us from the debt that we owed it to him. In addition, every act of forgiveness sets at least one person free: the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness can be the decision to not become bitter. Even though the person who has hurt you may never acknowledge or receive your offer of forgiveness, when you forgive you are released from bondage. You are released from the pain of the past. You can be hurt, you can still remember the injury, but if you forgive, you can also still be free.”

So, to the man who took my fathers life you were young and I don’t know the details of that night. I don’t know what cards life had dealt you, or what hardships you were carrying at the time but I forgive you. It has taken me longer than I would have liked but with lots of prayer and God’s good grace I forgive you. I know and firmly believe that God has a plan, and this all happened for a reason. I myself am not without sin or mistakes, and so as Jesus told the woman who had committed adultery and was to be stoned… I will not condemn you either for your actions. I hope that you find peace and healing. I hope that when you get out you get to live a good life. A life where you get to make better choices. A life where you will not be judged by your past actions. Finally, a life where you are able to enjoy God’s abundant love and happiness. I pray all of this for you. I know my father who is now in heaven would want this as well.

Finally, I pray that before this Jubilee year of Mercy comes to an end November 20th, 2016 (and even after that) that everyone who is struggling or coping with an inicident or person requiring forgivness, no matter how small or big the case may be, that you are able to find yourself forgiving that incident or person. I pray that you all find freedom, peace, and healing from forgiving.

Let us all be merciful as our Father in heaven is and create a better and more loving world.

Thank you for letting me share this.

God Bless.