I appreciate your openness in this journey. Ultimately, I disagree. I could account endless scriptures, yet I will leave it simply with this: Please do consider the effect of humanism on modern Western Christianity, especially. Consider also deviating “necessity” in finding ditches. What I mean is, Western brains have a tendency to find a feel good answer, or at least a logical out-come to which helps us navigate through difficulties. Your outcome here has been subjected through unfortunate, nonetheless real, “insecurities,” as you graciously conveyed. The reason I cannot agree total depravity is the source of your frustration is bound up in that a true spiritual application of justification by grace through faith wroughts in the believer security as a son of God. The justification of our total depravity purchased by God in Christ on Roman cross-beams, along with God’s merciful application, i.e., Holy Spirit-Christ in us, our hope of glory…changes one’s nature. Jude 1:1b is one of my favorite Father heart of God scriptures; in it, the writer conveys to us that God as a good father sanctifies His children. God cannot be a good father without active involement in our sanctification process; we are not left to writhe in our depravity. This is what it means to be bought/adopted to God through Christ-saved from inherited sin. New Testament writers spend far too much energy expressing the need of salvation, and growing mature in Christ for there to be no need of salvation, and the refining of one’s flesh. Given your universal undertones, I will not bother with eternal punishment. I have written based on your influence, not because I care to debate, only praying you consider looking to God on the narrow road, rather than forming critical answers by choosing “necessary” ditches to satisfy wrestling with these things.
Grace and Strength,