CrapFunding Presents: Too Many Awful Projects All At Once
The latest from TNM’s monthly crowdfunding comedy show
Last month was a special moment in the history of CrapFunding. We did a CrapFunding show in New Orleans, and then, for the first time ever, we brought the show to Austin, TX. The reception was pretty sweet.
But maybe you’re sitting there wondering, “What the hell is CrapFunding, Brock?” CrapFunding is a monthly show that pits 5 brave comics against each other in a pitchfest of terrible crowdfunding campaigns (that they’ve never seen before) in front of a couple of snarky hosts, a local business expert, and a live audience. At the end of the show, the audience votes for their favorite worst project by tossing money into buckets onstage, and then we plop all the cash from those buckets into the winning project right there on the spot. Basically, we’re helping make all the worst dreams a sad reality.
And this is my monthly review where I fart and piss all over the projects that we used in last month’s shows. So let the farting and pissing commence!
Project 1 — LinExpress
Amount Raised: $1 of $20,000 — NOT FUNDED
This app lets you know when certain stores have long lines at their registers so you don’t have to waste time standing in those lines. It claims to help people “save their time, so they can do more,” but really I think it just helps tedious people with too much time on their hands have even more time on their hands to do nothing truly useful with. I say this because the app is powered solely by line-waiting data input from other users of the app, so it requires everyone to constantly be spying on the lines they see in stores and then reporting those to everyone else on the app. This means that if EVERYONE isn’t doing it AT ALL TIMES, the app is completely useless.
For instance, say I want to go to Burger King right now, and I don’t want to wait in a line (the horror). So I check my LinExpress app, and I see that at 6pm last night, another LinExpress user reported a 3 minute wait. If nobody else has been to that Burger King since then and reported their own wait time, I’m totally screwed and won’t know if I’m going to have to wait in line. I would then have no choice but to lie down on my living room floor and die of starvation (hopefully I won’t have to wait long!). This app is already on the App Store and has 9 users on its Facebook page.
Sometimes things don’t know why they’re dumb, or that they’re even dumb at all. This is one of those things.
Project 2 — LEG-IT Beverage Holder (Winner of Austin CrapFunding Show)
Amount Raised: $1,092 of $21,000 — CANCELED
Do you frequently sit in one spot for hours at a time? Do you like to enjoy beverages while you’re doing all that sitting? Do you spill those beverages so frequently that you feel the need to affix them to your body so you either don’t spill them or so you ensure that you spill them on yourself? If so, then you need a Leg-It, the only beverage holder that lets you strap a cup of beer to your knee or calf so that when you get up or walk, you can instantly dump your beer all over the place! That’s so much more convenient than setting the cup on a table, shelf, floor, or literally any other nearby surface.
These people think that other people are willing to carry their drinks around their necks on a lanyard. When have you ever seen someone do that? Can you imagine walking around a party with your drink hanging around your neck or strapped to your bicep? Hell no. And it’s not because the Leg-It wasn’t invented yet, it’s because everyone has known for a long time that this is a stupid way to transport liquids.
This project canceled itself a few hours before it didn’t make its goal, so the funds we raised for this will go back into the CrapFunding CrapPot!
Project 3 — Tinda Finger
Amount Raised: $5,001 of $2,000 — FULLY FUNDED
Holy shit, this thing. And it got fully funded, which is super depressing. Basically, Tinda Fingers enable the worst online daters to be worse at online dating, while also looking like an idiot and completely undermining the entire online dating system that they’re using. You open up your Tinder profile, plug this puppy into your phone, and then let it swipe right…until I guess your battery dies? Later, you can recharge your phone and then dig through all the people who have also matched with you (if any), and you get to rest easy that you didn’t have to actually approve of anyone that you matched with. In other words, it helps you match with more people that you’ll still have to un-match with later if you’re not into them as much as they were into you.
This ruins the entire swipe-left-or-right system of apps like Tinder, Bumble, etc. If everyone swipes right and matches everyone all the time with total disregard (say, because they’re narcissistic and want to know all the hotties who have matched them back), then matches are rendered meaningless. You may as well just have an app that lets everyone talk to everyone because matching is now an irrelevant step of the process. I hate it.
Would you actually date someone who used one of these fake finger-swiping mechanisms to match with you? If so, swipe left on this article.
Project 4 — The Party Cup (Winner of Nola CrapFunding Show)
Amount Raised: $828 0f $5,000 — NOT FUNDED
I don’t have much to say about this project except that it’s for a bunch of cups with emoji on them, and if you invite more than 25 people to your party, you will still have problems with partygoers not knowing whose cups are whose. Maybe if everybody at your party has Leg-Its holding their cups around their legs and necks, that won’t be a problem. But then it would mean that you know a lot of losers, and y’all probably shouldn’t be partying anyway.
Project 5 — the night gard
Amount Raised Thus Far: $0 of $3,000
This is one of my favorite project videos of all time. It’s a poorly written proposal for a book that tells you virtually nothing about the book that‘s being written, and it raises more questions about this dude’s writing talent and intentions for even being a writer.
This is a project that needs no further snarky commentary from me. I love every inch of it. Just look at this sentence:
i work none stop on it so it may be a little rushed and hastly put togeather
Be sure to check out the two glorious comments left on the campaign, in which one internet stranger tells this kid that they’re not backing his project, while another internet stranger takes the time to actually edit and rewrite the kid’s campaign details.
Project 6— DawgHoused makes getting things done, fun!
Amount Raised Thus Far: $350 of $1,500
There’s a lot to unpack here, and most of it is pretty gross, but I’ll let the project’s intro speak for itself:
For as long as men and women have been attracted to one another, the doghouse existed. This is the inspiration behind the game, DAWGHOUSED. It’s smart technology that helps you conquer all the snags and loose ends in your relationship, even those annoying squabbles that often come between couples.
Essentially, it’s an app that will help you keep track of all the “bullshit” that your romantic partner wants you to do, it gives you in-app rewards for doing those things, and lets you post all of your progress on your social media channels. And the app even gives you trophies that you’re supposed to use like coupons with your real-life mate — trophies that let you instantly end an argument or get out of a previously agreed upon chore. Another dumb feature involves posting you and your partner’s fights on Facebook so strangers can anonymously weigh in on them and choose who wins.
WHO WANTS TO LIVE THEIR LIFE LIKE THAT?!?!
I can’t talk about this one anymore.
Project 7— Card “Dice”
Amount Raised: $138 0f $5,000 (NOT FUNDED)
This project has its heart in the right place, but I think that if one of my friends pulled out a deck of dice cards like this instead of rolling the dice for whatever game we’re playing, I’d have to ridicule them for it. A friend who insists on using these cards is the board gaming equivalent of having a friend who obsesses about trendy, nonexistent food allergies in restaurants. It ruins the fun for everyone else at the table.
Just roll the goddamn dice, already.