Out with the old, in with the old

Taxis replace the CBD’s horse-drawn carts as an old-timey transport option

Lord Mayor Robert Doyle, known to adoring fans as RoDo, has bolted the stables shut. Beloved tourist attraction, and symbol of man’s reign over all of Earth’s beasts, horse-drawn carts will hang up their whips in CBD for the last time.

While a slow and ineffective form of transportation that is wrought with problematic treatment of animals, traffic hazards and random piles of poo, the horse-drawn carts were a fun vintage reminder of the Melbourne of yesteryear! They will be missed by the young, old and cashed-up bogan alike.

Well worry not!

A new throwback is set to replace the tourist-traps along Swanston St and other parts of the CBD. City goers can now enjoy a truly vintage experience of hailing a cab (completely app-less!) and hopping into a 2007 period-style yellow cab!

A long ago superseded form of travel — both tourists and Melbournians can experience what travel in the city was like before smartphones and ridesharing came along.

A forgotten practice.

The only way to board is to dangerously stand in traffic and try and “hail” a cabbie. This will mostly be ignored, but don’t give up! There is a number you can call, however it is only for fun, and will play plagiarised Eminem-inspired jingles on loop for as long as you can be bothered holding.

A costumed driver, wearing the traditional 3-day unwashed blue shirt with ornamental shoulder epaulettes, will welcome travellers through a locked passenger-side door. Before your trip begins ‘you must answer his question, one!’ shouted out of a barely cracked window.

“TO WHICH SUBURB ARE YOU GOING?!”

If you successfully solve this fun riddle, you will be welcomed in. Every detail has been meticulously restored back to the dark-age of transport. From the musty, unwholesome smell and authoritarian-style signs demanding payment upfront, to Fox FM blasting the hits of 2007. Remember to PUT YOUR HANDS UP FOR DETROIT as you weave in between lanes erratically and perform illegal u-turns in front of trams.

While an expensive way to commute, and far less practical and comfortable than just ordering an Uber like everyone else, these legacy cabs will make you long for the times of yore. Back in the day when you didn’t need to politely chat with your driver, as he was preoccupied having a loud, and somewhat aggressive, conversation to an unknown entity on his phone.

While the horses have been put out to pasture, your vintage-style romantic night out with a special someone can now be spent dry-humping in the dirty leather of an authentic taxi of yesteryear —your passenger rating is safe so go hard and go sloppy!