Reasons Why Your Tinder Profile is Horrible


This piece originally appeared on BrokeAssStuart.com

I’m posting my profile to give you the option of making fun of me back.

If this is the first time you’re hearing about Tinder, I promise it won’t be the last, especially if I have your phone number. About a month ago I accidentally pushed the wrong button and invited my entire phonebook (1500+ people!) to Tinder. This included ex girlfriends, my parents, my grandma, and a girl I dated for a little while who responded with “Stuart. You already banged me.”

For the uninitiated, Tinder is the closest thing straight people have to Grindr (the very popular hook-up app for gay men). The main difference is that with Tinder, vaginas are involved. When vaginas are involved there tends to be a lot more negotiating, compared to when it’s just penises. Here’s a **very oversimplified** example of the differences between Grindr and Tinder:

Grindr: I’ve got a penis. You’ve got a penis. Let’s do something together with our penises!!

Tinder: I’ve got a vagina. You’ve got a penis. Let’s go out for drinks and see if there’s the possibility of doing something together with my vagina and your penis.

The way Tinder works is that people post up to five pictures and, at most, a line or two about themselves or maybe a quote (anyone who has a lot of words about themselves is already telling the world they are a crazy person). Then based on these five photos, the few lines of verbiage, and the friends and interests you share on Facebook, you judge whether or not you’re attracted to someone. If both people say “yes”, it connects the two of you and you can begin negotiating whether or not you’re gonna meet for drinks and possibly do things together with your penises and vaginas.

Sounds simple right? Unfortunately some people are really fucking terrible at this Tinder thing. If you’re one of these people, here are the reasons your Tinder profile is horrible:

It’s impossible to tell who the hell you are:

Please don’t say “I’m the one in white”

The amount of profiles where all the pictures are just groups of friends is shocking. It’s like, am I supposed to fuck all of you? Tinder is not a popularity contest, no one cares that you have friends. The people viewing your profile are doing so to see if they want to hang out and possibly have sex with you. How often do you think someone shows up and their date thinks “Aw fuck! I was hoping it was the other one!”?

You’re Creepy as Fuck:

Look at his tagline! *shudder*

As a man the #1 most important thing you need to get across on Tinder is that you’re not creepy/rapey/murdery. You’re not frontin’ to make other dudes fear and/or respect you, you’re trying to get women to spend time with you. Look how fucking terrifying this guy is!

You’re in a photo with someone who is possibly your ex:

Is this your gay BFF or your ex boyfriend who you’re still living with because you can’t afford to move out?

Ladies: if you’re all snuggled up with a man in your photo, he should be so obviously gay that rainbows are shooting out of his ass or so old that he obviously can’t get it up.

Men: Having photos with yourself and really hot girls doesn’t mean ladies find you more desirable, it means they think you paid a stripper extra money to take a photo with you.

You look like you just ran 26 miles and 385 yards:

Ugh…my computer feels sweaty just from looking at this. (photo from Ladyish)

You ran a marathon? Good for you! Now go take a fucking shower and change your clothes. No one wants to see you all sweaty and gross. You look like shit, everyone does after they run.

You have children in your pictures:

You have kids? How magical and special for you, but for fuck’s sake, get your kids out of your Tinder pictures! I’m sure you’re proud of your kids and love them very much, but that’s the kind of thing you let someone know once you’re already on a date with them. You don’t go to a bar with a t-shirt that says “I’m a mom!” do you?

And if you have someone else’s kids in your photos, we just think they’re your kids. No one thinks you’re the cool uncle.

You are a naked man:

Are you fucking kidding me?

Whether you’re just baring some ass cheeks or actually hanging dong, NO ONE wants to see it. This isn’t fucking Grindr, remember? How have you gotten this far in life and not figured out yet that if a women wants to see you naked, she’ll let you know.

You are showing off your extreme sports skills:

There’s a joke in here somewhere about things being “rock hard”

No one really cares what you look like while rock climbing, spelunking, skydiving, or competitive pig racing. They wanna know if you’re hot. Shredding that wave bro, doesn’t show if your face looks like it’s been shredded too.

Obviously photoshopping yourself:

Ha!

Come on dude. Everyone knows you’re not a fucking underwear model. In fact you look like someone who should be way better at using photoshop. how are you gonna explain the discrepancies between you in real life and how you look in this photo?

Obscuring your face:

Apparently she’s very proud of her chin

Making it so that its hard to see what your face looks like doesn’t make you mysterious. At very best it makes people question whether or not you completely understand the way Tinder works. Anyone who goes out with you despite not knowing what you look like is saying “I will literally fuck anyone”.

Being these guys:

The title to this should either be “Prelude to a Gang Bang” or “The Time Batgirl Got Caught in a Finger Trap”

There is no doubt that you gentlemen have very sculpted abs, but seriously, keep your shirts on. The only people who dig that shit are teenage girls and dudes on Grindr.

Having your picture be an avatar:

I’d totally hit that cartoon.

If you’re not comfortable being judged on the way you look, you need to stop using that app who’s entirety is based on people being judged on the way you look.

I’m sure there are plenty more reason why your Tinder profile is horrible, but this is a good start. Please use these clues as a way to improve your own profile. I really want you to get laid.

Like this piece? I’ve got a brand new zine called Love Notes and Other Disasters. You can get here for only $5!

You can also find me on twitter and Facebook where I’m just as snarky.