Irma Vape

I was gonna write this later, but I feel like writing it now, so why not?

I just wanted to relate some of my recent experiences with vaping, and not the nicotine variety.

This is something I had actually spoken about with my therapist, who is very keen on having me take something for my depression, which I am roughly equally opposed to. But, to add a qualifier for clarity, which I always add with her whenever we talk about this — I am not opposed to the idea of taking a medication to address my depression or anxiety, what I am opposed to is the throw-stuff-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks methodology of modern day psychiatry. Yes, I almost find myself in agreement with Tom Cruise on this one.

If there could be a test that would determine that, akin to a low vitamin D level, there was a low level of serotonin or some such similar neurotransmitter in your blood, to be expediently corrected with an ingestible pill, I would probably take it. That’s not how modern psychiatry works. There are certain conditions where, even though what’s precisely occurring in the brain may not be clear, the effects are, for instance in cases of schizophrenia, the hallucinations, which I would imagine are some of the most pernicious aspects of that affliction, are largely attenuated by medication. I don’t really know enough about schizophrenia to make a definitive statement, but the point is that the medications given to a schizophrenic directly address at least one of the symptoms occurring there. But, with a drug like an SSRI, that’s not even the case. Yes, studies indicate that it lowers symptoms of depression better than a placebo, but the difference is not large and they still don’t know what the hell is going on in the brain. It’s not like diabetes where we can literally address the issue (partially, at least) by prescribing insulin to regulate blood sugar. The brain’s mechanics are apparently a lot more complicated than that.

So, enter marijuana. I’m not really a drug user, and I’m not a person who hangs out. But some of the people I work with habitually use the substance and attest to its use as a way to “wind down” at the end of the day. They’re not using it in an irresponsible way. I have my own checkered experience with that substance which made me apprehensive about using it again. It’s never really been something that made me feel good, or even any particular noticeable way, in certain cases. And before a week ago, I had only done it a handful of times, which considering my 43 years, is very low indeed.

So I decided that it might really be for me. I live with a lot of anxiety, and I could really use something non-addictive to just relax at the end of the day. I mean that’s sort of a given, because it’s not something I would do and then go to work, or even drive after, at least until I knew how it affected my response time and motor function.

So, there are a couple of problems here, that I only really crystallized after using it for 4 days in the span of slightly more. One thing I already knew, but I didn’t really think would affect my use of the drug, is that it tends to be a social activity. Right there is strike one. But, only because in a weirdly roundabout way this kind of affects one’s experience. So I’ll explain that.

I’ve now researched why marijuana tends to create feelings of fear or anxiety in some people (usually cited as “paranoia”, which is not really what I experience), really because I thought maybe I was doing something wrong, and wondering how to address that, or just generally being curious about how common that experience was. Part of what I’ve gathered is that marijuana enhances what you’re already feeling, and that you should accompany its use with an enjoyable activity. I already had sort of gathered this is what people did when they smoked, but did not realize that it was part of its optimal usage. So, people who get together to smoke weed are going to tend to already be relaxed, because no one needs to go anywhere and they’re there for a common purpose. Never underestimate the power of people coming together for a common goal, even if that goal is to get high.

But how does this help me? As stated, I’m not really a person who hangs out. In fact, one of my hangups is hanging out. For a few different reasons, it’s kind of hard for me to be social in a normal kind of way. That’s something I’m working on. But the point is, if this is part of the ritual of smoking marijuana, then that sort of leaves me out. But more specifically, if you’re supposed to do it to enhance what you’re already feeling, and connect it with an enjoyable activity, then that sort of defeats the purpose for me. If that works for you, that’s great, but for what I wanted, which is something to MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, it doesn’t work. Why would I ingest a substance that makes you have to do extra work to enjoy it? I’m sitting there wondering when the feelings of fear will abate, and trying to talk myself down.

So, I didn’t really understand beforehand this aspect of the drug. I was well aware of this in the case of something like LSD or other mood-altering or psychoactive substances, but my presumption was that weed just made you feel mellow or, if you will, high. That was not my experience. In an ironic way it’s making me feel more isolated because if this is something you have to do in a social setting, or even with a significant other (which I don’t have), then again, it kind of defeats the purpose of why I’m doing it.

Another thing is the aspect of increased appetite while high. I’m constantly at battle with my weight. I’m actually at peace with that now. The current wisdom from the media, which is comically at odds with the imagery it propagates, is that everyone should be comfortable with their weight and it’s okay to be a little bit overweight and people who aren’t are fat-shaming, etc. In a way this is good, but it doesn’t translate for me personally and I’m pretty much always trying to lose weight. So why would I want to indulge in a substance that literally has a colloquialism for ravenousness that was invented for it? And yes, it does make me want to eat when I’m under its influence. Seeing as losing weight is one of my actual, attainable goals, unlike becoming a rock star or going back in time, I’d prefer not to engage with a substance that is known for increasing appetite.

All of this is in contrast with my experience with drinking, which does relax me. I had a short period this year where I kind of consciously decided that I would start drinking later in the day for a few days a week, which didn’t really work out so well, but the point is that drinking actually caused feelings of some kind of analog of happiness in me. Weed does not. Weed is still a little bit mysterious to me.

I will add that there was one singular experience where weed actually made me feel “high”, which was 9 years ago when I was visiting a friend in LA. This was from a really gross, mushed up chocolate bar that he had gotten from a dispensary I think. In California in 2013, weed was pretty much where we are in New York now, and I think you could get it pretty easily if you had some medical excuse. He directed me to have a certain small amount of it because it was very potent. This is now well understood by most people who even have a passing familiarity with edibles, but was news to me at the time. Whatever amount I took was correct because subsequently I experience a feeling of tranquility and like everything was gonna be OK. It was like a bit of a punctuated version of what Klonopin does for me. But it also made me feel closer to everyone around me.

I’ve since been informed that sometimes edibles can have that effect where smoking can cause paranoia, but this part of the point: I don’t want to do work when I’m taking something to feel better. I feel like I don’t have the time or energy to invest in a personal longitudinal study of marijuana and its different forms and the different effects they have and the different strains and which ones are reliable and which aren’t. And yes, this is probably part of the appeal to a younger person who is hanging out with friends or invested in the drug culture, like there’s an element of experimentation to it, but for me I just want to feel completely mellowed, or high, whatever the word would be, and that’s not what it’s doing for me.

To be specific, since I haven’t really in this article so far, it causes a sudden apprehension in me a few minutes after vaping. This is so far. Again, there may be a better way to do this that I’m not getting, but this is my experience so far. I feel fear and like I’m seeing things out of the corner of my eye. One of my big winding-down activities is to watch youtube, or generally watch something on my laptop. It’s difficult to engage in this diversion if I feel like dark shadows are moving in the periphery of my vision. I see someone coming in from outside and wonder if they’re going to talk to me for some reason, or if I did something wrong. I have these feelings enough already, I don’t need to enhance them.

One upside, if you want to call it that, is that it does help me sleep, and I have somewhat colorful dreams after falling asleep, but I don’t want to take it as a sleeping aid, especially not considering the primary effects. My therapist even conceded, after I told her of my first couple of attempts with this, that it can make you paranoid and that one possible approach is to do one hit, and wait about half an hour. I did this, and all it did was make me slightly less paranoid and then sort of continue that feeling. I don’t really see a part where I felt good.

It also made me feel tingly. And hungry.

To be clear, this was not a hellish experience, but I’ve been VERY CAREFUL about the amount I’ve been taking. So all of this is with very conservative “doses”. And now, let me expand on this point.

There is no dose. And this is part of the problem I have with all of this. I struggle with feelings of isolation and worthlessness/meaninglessness, and I want something to make me feel better. It doesn’t have to be all the time, it could be that I go to work, or get whatever done I need to get done during the day, and have something to look forward to later, but it has to be something that actually makes me feel good. None of this “damn bro, you did it wrong”. No one “does it wrong” when they take the Klonopin to relieve anxiety or insulin to address their blood sugar. You can overdose, yes, but people take drugs to address a problem they have, and that’s not what’s typically going on with marijuana, as far as I can tell.

People might read this and think that I’m missing the point, and that this is a recreational drug that I’m taking in the wrong setting. But as far as I know, this is a drug that many people take at the end of the day (or whenever) to wind down, and doesn’t necessarily involve a group or a group activity. If I had thought of it as something you needed to be in a social setting to enjoy, I wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble.