Is the “Ladder Theory” accurate
So far it’s made the most sense since I heard about it
So a while ago I was reading the following article:
For the most part it’s somewhat accurate, I’m sure more than a few women will be able to relate to the author’s experience and she’s not completely wrong, there’s a lot of men with double standards around wanting other’s to lower theirs while not doing the same and her reasons given to her male friends in their interaction are hers and perfectly valid. While in some aspects I disagree that men have complete control to become the men women want without assistance of said women, take the big factor of self confidence which is endlessly easy when you have social validation and not so much when you only have rejection and platonic platitudes, I’m not here to go over that topic again so much.
This was the first time I’d ever heard of the ‘Ladder Theory’ in terms of relationships between the genders. I’ve looked a little further and I don’t agree with a lot of interpretations given they are used to try and prove men and women cannot have platonic relationships and that they will always become one sided, though before I get into that, I’ll summarize the theory as I understand it from the article above.
- Note — This is a very hetero centered theory and as a mostly hetero male, that’s how I’m understanding it, so it might not line up if that’s not your orientation
Women have two ladders when it comes to their male acquaintances; One for those who are friends and one for those deemed suitable relationship material and it’s near impossible for a man to go from the friend ladder to the relationship ladder.
Men on the other hand have only one ladder and any woman who is on there as a friend can be elevated to the relationship status which is the highest rung, no matter where they fall on the ladder itself.
Now that might very much sound like the oh so dreaded ‘friend zone’, which the article does make the correlation with and isn’t completely incorrect in that, I’m not going to disagree with that, it’s very easy to reach that conclusion. My issue with the article however, is the conclusion the author reached based on the single ladder that men have in this theory, that being that men would never see women (at least those they find attractive) as great friends and would throw away said friendships if there was a chance at getting laid.
Given the experiences a lot of women, especially those here on Medium, have had, I’m sure there are men out there who wont see women as great friends, but I would put money down it’s not most, though I can see how the older one gets without any romantic success the likelihood will increase, depression and hopelessness will do that. Instead, as a man who actually relates to that description of the men’s side of things, wanting a friend to be more is the natural progression, you like them as a whole person otherwise you wouldn’t want to be friends with them and you find them attractive. That’s a perfect relationship for most men, a best friend plus if you will, though it only works when it’s reciprocated and often, at least more often now success in dating is near impossible for most average guys, can jeopardize the friendship, at least for a while as it takes much longer to move on by finding someone who does appreciate them. Rather than not seeing women as potential great friends, most men see women as being worth so much more than just friends, instead they see the potential to be someone genuinely special, only to find out they aren’t seen the same (at least in their interpretation).
I do understand the women’s perspective too, I’ve had many conversations and read articles here that do their best to explain that a lot of times, women value their platonic friendships more than their romantic ones, a best male friend can, in many cases, be more valued than their partner. Even knowing that though, it’s an alien value system from the men’s side, friends are friends, partners are more than friends, they are special, they chose you back and wanted more than just friendship but because of that specialness, it’s seen as worth the risk to the friendship to at least try, and not to just get laid, but have a fulfilling relationship with someone they truly care about.
Far from being a reason why men and women can’t be friends, I think this theory could do much to help people understand each other. For men to understand that just because their feelings aren’t reciprocated, it doesn’t necessarily mean the entire friendship is a lie nor that their friend doesn’t care as much as they claim just because they don’t want to date. And for women, to understand that men aren’t devaluing friendship when they catch feelings, nor are they (in most cases) just acting as friends to try and get sex, but that for men, it’s a natural progression for a friend they get on with and find attractive and how much it can hurt when it isn’t reciprocated, with all talk of them caring feeling so much like hollow lies.
Whether it will actually lead to any understanding from either side is another question entirely.
