HAVE I GOT GNUS FOR YOU.

Those of you familiar with weekend news magazines will know exactly what to expect.

There will be beautiful people, even better looking food and every article with be headlined by a groaningly, tortured pun.

‘Have I got mews for you’ is an evergreen favourite about , you guessed it, mews houses.

‘A vroom with a view’ accompanies every convertible car, or bike’

‘A rare way to heaven’ invariably describes a delicious platter of Italian meats.

‘Ale and hearty” headlines the latest gastro-pub

‘The greatest earth on show’ is another go-to headline for for property. (I actually think I wrote that, but it may have been stolen)

Only last week a new low was reached with ‘What’s the fig idea’. for some uber-healthy salad.

Puns, as many will know were once the stock-in-trade of copywriters in the 70’s and 80's.

And without wishing to insult sub-editors, they were much better.

‘Tall, dark and have some’ was for Guinness. ‘Look deep into our ryes’ was a a seductive line for a bread.

FCUK is running to this day, although a noted London creative said that ‘just because some CNUT can’t spell doesn’t make it a great campaign’.

By and large, puns have been firmly shelved and roundly denigrated as the lazy person’s cop-out.

So if you suggest something as crass as ‘the upper crust’ for a bakery, it would probably be punishable by limiting lunch to three hours.

As said, the 70’s and 80’s were the golden age of puns for advertising creatives.

Of course there are the rarely used modern exceptions.

‘Sparks and mensa’ is a smart verbal contortion for the Economist.

While ‘It’s not the winning, it’s the taking apart’ is apt for Nike’s sponsorship of England rugby, as is ‘ There men are dangerous. Do not attempt to tackle them’.

There’s a lesson here for magazine sub-editors. Puns are no longer seen as clever, or compelling. You’d be well advised to consign them to the bottom drawer.

If you must use them, at least be clever and original. Readers will thank you as indeed will the entire English language.

I thank you more in hope than in expectation.