I need community help, big time!
Link to donate here: www.youcaring.com/brownblaze
I have been invited to travel S. Africa and Zimbabwe with an amazing group for some really exciting art and activism work. This trip is such an amazing opportunity to build, learn and expand my activism efforts. Part of my time will be spent teaching five activism and art based workshops, collaborating on multimedia art projects and helping build a community creative space hub. I’ve spent the last 6 months in deep reflection and process, considering what my purposeful contribution to movement is and how to create more space for organizers like myself to step into this work in dignity. This trip is not only an amazing opportunity to move forward with my activism work, I also have to share that traveling to the Continent would mean the absolute world to me: personally and spiritually. I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that I have been presented with this opportunity. I also can’t reiterate enough the fact that I am always aware that Mike Brown and Ferguson are the reason behind everything I do. Some may true to reduce that to a small motivation but I don’t think there’s anything more worthy of carrying in your heart than home when you’re traveling to faraway new places trying to connect a big world.
When Mike Brown was killed August 9, 2014, I stepped out of my house to fight for Black life and I haven’t looked back since. Near the end of September 2014 I quit the job I’d been working and committed my life to organizing full-time.
For the past three years, since August 9th, 2014, I’ve devoted every ounce of my being to building and sustaining the Black Lives Matter movement.
I knew from our first day organizing on August 10th that I’d finally started to walk fully in my purpose. I was finally putting my more than a decade’s worth of organizing experience, community building and leadership preparation towards building a world that values Black lives. Everyone that knows me expressed that Ferguson was exactly where they’d expect me to be — no one was surprised to hear of me furiously organizing protests, being flown to visit President Obama or testifying before the UN about the horrors of police brutality in The United States. This is my unquestionably my life’s work.
So far, I’ve been able to sustain myself for three years through speaking engagements and my digital strategy freelance work. I’ve worked to stay clear of attempts to monetize and exploit myself and Ferguson — although that hasn’t stopped plenty of people from doing so. That means many of us actually from Ferguson have struggled to support ourselves while continuing to self sustain the work we believe in. While many people in turn, reap in grants, awards and various other benefits from our work, past and present. It’s a dynamic some have noticed and are working desperately to change, but, as it stands now, many of us who stood on frontlines are most often struggling to make ends meet while processing the trauma of on the ground warfare and still organizing. I don’t share this for sympathy — although I’ve struggled through a lot these past few years I’ve also been blessed with invaluable community support — from people who’ve cooked me meals and let me sleep on their couch for weeks on end to the folks who barely knew me but pushed $40 dollars in my hand when they saw me with gratitude, understanding and empathy. I can’t imagine I’d have made it this far without all of those folks. I’m praying for this intentional reach for community support to provide the same way.
So…. what’s next?
More and more I have been working to actualize the truth that this work is spiritual work. That means that not only is the work I’m doing spiritually grounded, but that I am as well. That means (acknowledging) that my commitment to therapy, mental wellbeing and sustainable efforts is not only personal, but also community oriented and shared with humility, growing understanding of my particular position, responsibilities and potential to impact. That said, I know that taking this trip to S. Africa and Zimbabwe will have an indescribable impact on me and my work. I’ve been working on a few really exciting things with folks that embody the spirit of Ferguson and the movements of resistance that have been stifled in favor of neoliberalism, heady identity politic-banging and tidy media narratives, none of which will get us free. To set foot in Soweto, in particular — to be welcomed to that patch of rebellion-rich Earth, another place where Black children rose up with righteousness and clenched fists filled with stones — is a journey full of ancestral significance. I’m grateful that I’m blessed enough to move in my purpose and be supported. I really can’t explain just how blessed and mindful of my responsibility I feel. I’m aware that many people have and continue to invest in my leadership and I don’t take that lightly. I also feel really grateful that I’ve found communities and people that are truly concerned with my wellness — thank you. I’m committed to liberation for the long haul which means building authentic pathways for relationships and community based power. None of us can get anywhere without each other. Every move I make towards liberation is with deep reflection of the basic truth.
I’ve finally found a practitioner to support my healing! I need help towards paying the last 6 months of my first years of complete therapy. I’ve committed to doing at least a full year of regular therapy for myself. I’ve paid for 6 months of weekly appointments myself so far and I can’t deny that my need is beyond my means at this point. Plenty of people have told me to reach out and be held and I’ve always hesitated. It’s incredibly hard for me to ask for help and my self sacrificing mode meant I continuously failed to do the things I needed to be well. Survivor’s guilt is real and hell to deal with. But I’ve watched too many of my comrades from Ferguson die in these past few years, in various ways. I’m determined to do everything I can to stay alive and mitigate the impact of the trauma of these past few years.
I tried . It took over two years for me to again attempt to step into therapy. The catalyst? I was reading Facebook one day, saw a word and has a flashback of watching someone die — a repressed memory that I had entirely forgotten about. Who forgets seeing life flee from someone? Soldiers. And me. And folks like me. There is no process, program or model for the survival of American militarized terrorism at home. There is no program or manual that explains how to sleep at night again or how to cope with terrorists that hold completely unrestricted power over you. There is no how-to guide for piecing yourself and community together after military forces from your home country occupy your neighborhood and thousands on onlookers pick over what used to be home. There is no book written on how to make it through. But each day I live and live more fully, I believe I am realizing it with each breath. I’m determined to do the work of Black liberation with joy, dignity and respect for myself and others.
I’m stepping out on faith and being clear about what I need — I need to come up with around $8000 to pay for my therapy and trip to Africa and back. The organization I will be traveling with is covering my accommodations and inter-continental flight, however, in order to go I need to cover my flights to Africa and back. Everything else will go towards my weekly therapy sessions, which I currently pay on a sliding scale.
If you can help support me in maintaining my commitment to both my individual health and the collective health of Black folks everywhere, I’d be deeply grateful.
Anything and everything helps and is deeply appreciated.
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Paypal: itsbrownblaze@gmail.com
Black Love always. -
— bb
