Letters to Donald Trump

August 13, 2016

Dear Donald,

Hoo-Boy, life has its challenges and you are mine! I’ve been writing for two weeks now and to tell you the truth, it looks like we’re going backwards.

You’re reminding me of a political version of Lethal Weapon — the movie with Mel Gibson playing Martin Riggs and Danny Glover playing Roger Murtaugh? Riggs, the Gibson character, is a dangerous loose cannon while Murtaugh is the steady family man. I have to tell you (as your friend I take it as my responsibility) that Riggs, who occasionally gets totally crazy, is not a good role model for President of the United States. Less Riggs, more Murtaugh.

Okay, when the game is heading down the crapper, it’s always good to go back to the basics. So let’s review:

- You are the Republican nominee for President of the United States. Are we on the same page here?

- President of the United States is not the same as CEO of the Trump Organization. Really.

- The government of the United States is a not-for-profit organization. Hyperventilating, yet?

- After winning the election, you have to actually govern. Are we clear on the term “govern?”

First, the Republicans are supposed to be your friends. I see you struggling with this part. But you are a first time candidate and they have been down this road many times — like since Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. The guy on the penny (I know it’s been a long time since you’ve seen a penny.) They’re supposed to be climbing onto the Trump Train, not jumping off like Butch and Sundance (this is my letter for movie references!)

Second — I hope you’re sitting down because this is going to hurt — when you’re President, you have to share power. I know, it’s a blow. And maybe the Republicans didn’t make that clear to you before you rode down that golden escalator. But you don’t get to spend your own money — you actually have to ask congress for it. (Another reason why those Republicans are your friends. They’re your Daddys. They’ve got all the $$. You have my sympathy.

Third — Another tough one for you — the goal here is not to turn a profit. < — I know you’ve never seen these last five words in one sentence but when I told you being president was different than being a developer, this is what I had in mind. I thought you would “get” this. Sometimes we actually give money to other countries to have a little more influence over their behavior. Yes, using the Army does focus their attention, but consider this — using the military is a lot more expensive than tossing a few million their way. Even though we’re not-for-profit, we understand spending a little to get a little more.

Fourth — the object here isn’t to win (oh these are bitter pills, I know…). The object is to get this job which may soon feel like more of a four-year “sentence.” Come on, you already have your own plane, a couple mansions, who needs this? Really. You know they wake you in the middle of the night sometimes just to make a decision? They won’t let Ivanka make those for you.

Hope this helps! (Even though most people know this.)

P.S. Now that we’re on the “Obama is the founder of Isis” kick, I’m starting to think you’ve already changed your mind, ’cause you’ve got a lotta Riggs going on. And your Republican friends are afraid it’s more like Thelma and Louise. So if you’ve changed your mind, send me a private message.

Your friend,