Letters to Donald Trump

August 8, 2016

Dear Donald,

Your pal Bruce here again! It’s Sunday morning and I was thinking that you must be in church this morning. I read last month that Dr. Dobson — and boy he knows a thing or two about this subject — that Dr. Dobson called you “A baby Christian.” Apparently, according to him you had “come to accept a relationship with Christ,” and It just made me go “Aww, that’s adorable, everybody loves babies” and then I thought “well finally, he’s becoming a politician.”

The proof was in was in the pudding when you endorsed Mr. Speaker Paul Ryan. I bet he’s breathing a sigh of relief now! When you said “I’m not there yet…” just like he said about endorsing you — “I’m just not there, yet.” I guess you taught him a thing or two with that one. And then, going the extra nine yards, you endorsed John McCain! But that one I figured out. Even though you said he’s not a hero for getting captured, now that you both have Purple Hearts — you decided you’re brothers in arms! Endorsement!! But that Purple Heart thing? I’m sorry to say, it probably wasn’t your finest moment. I read you said you feel like you served in the military because you went to military school. To be honest I don’t think this is a winning strategy. Maybe I misunderstood what you meant when you said you were big for the vets. Maybe you were actually talking about animal doctors and going for the PETA vote. You’re crafty that way.

As I told you, we’re in Southern California visiting Lisa’s family — her daughter, son-in-law, and three grandkids. And I have to tell you that you remind me so much of our 9-year old. Maybe I better leave it at that.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about you (boy oh boy this election is getting to me…) and here are some of the things I wanted to be sure you knew about being President of the United States.

  1. It’s a full time job. They frown on moonlighting.
  2. There is a lot of reading, and I mean a LOT. It’s a good thing you only need 4 hours of sleep. You’re going to need all the hours you can get. We will have to work on that attention span of yours.
  3. Okay this is going to be an eye-opener for you but I have to say it. When you’re the President, you’re the President of ALL the people. Yup. Even the people who say not nice things about you (and oh boy, if you think you have a lot of those people now…) You know all the people who think you’re unqualified? All those people who think you’re a jerk? I hate to tell you — all of them, too.
  4. You’re going to lose money, no doubt about it. Right now, people pay you to slap your name on buildings — even those you didn’t actually build? Once you’re President, they don’t pay you. No, I’m not kidding! You know how much President Reagan got for Reagan International? Bupkus! A whole airport!! Okay, I know he didn’t write “The Art of the Deal” but I don’t think there’s any negotiation on this one. They just do it. No royalties. You might want to give that some thought.
  5. Even though you’re Commander in Chief of the military, you’re not Commander in Chief of the people. I know you think it’s common sense, but that’s the way it is.
  6. That’s all for now, and just so you know, most people know this. going to need to work on that attention span of yours.
  7. Okay this is going to be an eye-opener for you but I have to say it. When you’re the President, you’re the President of ALL the people. Yup. Even the people who say not nice things about you (and oh boy, if you think you have a lot of those people now…) You know all the people who think you’re unqualified? All those people who think you’re a jerk? I hate to tell you — all of them, too.
  8. You’re going to lose money, no doubt about it. Now, people pay you to slap your name on buildings — even those you didn’t actually build? Once you’re President, they don’t pay you. No, I’m not kidding! You know how much President Reagan for Reagan International? Bupkus! A whole airport!! Okay, I know he didn’t write “The Art of the Deal” but I don’t think there’s any negotiation on that one. They just do it. No royalties. You might want to give that some thought.
  9. Even though you’re Commander in Chief of the military, you’re not Commander in Chief of the people. I know you think it’s common sense, but that’s the way it is.

That’s all for now, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad but actually, most people know this.

Happy Sunday.

Your friend,

Bruce