Letters to Donald Trump

August 13, 2016

Dear Donald,

Sorry this is late, I hate to keep you waiting, but Lisa and I are in Aspen today. Don’t ask me why, it’s a long story in which, I promise, you have no interest. However, Aspen does make me think of you. Guess why? Because there are some very, very rich people here — your peeps! Well, I’m not so sure that they’re all yours. We just did a walk around one of the neighborhoods and I have to say I saw not one spec of gold, gold leaf, gold glitter. Nothing Trumpian!! I see nothing but opportunity for you. You’re the agent of change and these folks here do backflips to make sure NOTHING changes. So if the election doesn’t work out and you don’t get the opportunity to shake up the tight-hinies in DC, you could buy Aspen’s shi-shi hotel, “The Little Nell” and rename it “The Little Don.”

Actually, I hear you’re coming to Aspen soon for a fundraiser. This will give you a flavor of the place. “Understated” might be overstating it. I can hear you now; “What’s the matter with these people? Can’t they afford gold!?”

Seriously, what has me concerned is about the very, very long vacation if you lose. You made winning the presidency and taking a vacation sound like equal options. Really? This is our fear — that for you they ARE equal options. We know you don’t want to lose to a girl but I’d like to suggest that you at least fake it. Pretend that being the President of the United States is the most important thing in the world. Call me crazy, I’m sure you have already, but I think this would be sound campaign strategy. Think about it.

That’s all for today. Hope this is helpful — although actually, most people know this.

Your friend,

Bruce