What DO We Want?
Someone I consider a friend, Kitten Holiday, wrote a great article titled “He Doesn’t Want What You Want”. You can read it here at the link below.
https://medium.com/@KittenHoliday/he-doesnt-want-what-you-want-bd84de1422c6
It’s a pretty insightful article and definitely shows the typical male perspective. I say typical because I’m known for being “different” or for having “different” views when it comes to relationships.
Kitten nails it where she points out what women want are different from what men want. We do have different needs and wants in a relationship. Where I differ, as a man, from her article is that I don’t want to chase someone. In fact, I can’t ever remember a time I’ve ever chased anyone.
From an early age I’ve seen too often where men misinterpret a woman’s smile or friendly demeanor towards them. She’s just trying to be nice and friendly but the men interpret it as a signal that she’s attracted to him. The end result winds up hurting his ego and I found myself empathizing with their stung pride. I’ve also seen where it led to men being fired by HR or sexual harassment claims are filed against men. I’ve listen to women talk about how some creepy guy was trying to pick up on her.
I never wanted to put myself into a position of embarrassment. I knew at an early age that I already do or say enough things on my own that lead to my own embarrassment. If I can learn from seeing other men rejected I can control that area of my life and minimize those situations. I’ve gone my whole life without ever making the first move or pursuing anyone. All encounters have been initiated by the other person.
It doesn’t evoke my feminine side nor does it make me feel soft. In fact, if I’m attracted to her it lets me know it’s safe to reciprocate without repercussion. It’s also flattering and lets me know I’m wanted. That’s always a good feeling.
Kitten is correct in men not wanting help. She may be correct in her assessment of why other men do not want the help. Here is where I am different again. I’m not used to it. At an early age I was told to “do it yourself”. Growing up I learned to be independent. I learned that no matter what happens the responsibility lies with me so it’s up to me to complete whatever needs to be done. My brain is processing everything and when someone jumps in to help my brain shuts down. If I’m alone while working on something, I can mentally process the information, focus on the task and see it through to completion without distraction.
I also learned that if I ever did let someone help it would be used against me. Too many times I’ve seen and heard people say, “I did this for him and he can’t even help me with this”. Rarely have I seen someone help another person with anything without the expectation of something in return. It becomes a bargaining tool later on. I don’t like anyone having that much power over me. If I ever do receive anyone’s help with anything I return the favor as quickly as I can to put us on equal footing.
@NikiMarinis made an interesting comment on Kittens post. She states pursuing a guy has yet to work for her. She’s probably chasing guys who take her for granted. Don’t give up Niki. You can hear no 100 times, you only need to hear yes once! Keep chasing and eventually one will work out. You’ll never need to chase again after that.
