The Preston Plan

Bryan Donegan

As the rain and snow fell, and the house across the street began to turn on their inside lights, Theo sat and cracked his fingers and began to write. He had intended to write the saddest story in the history in world. When his fingertips hit each key, however, the words appearing on the screen did not resemble his true intentions. This, I might add, is something that a serious writer must consider something of a devine nature, for it was not himself typing, but some higher-power outside of himself taking control of the situation. The following is the saddest story in the world, edited by some other force:

Preston Archembault was the head cheerleader for his small university’s footall team. He was not unlike the team itself; strong, handsome, and maybe a bit cocky. It was the final game of the season against Lancaster University. Quite an important game, in fact. However, Preston was not as inspiring and serious as he usually was in situations like these. He had not shaved either, for about a week. His stare had remained distant and his face was dour and unresponsive for the duration of the first half. And although the rest of the cheerleaders, all female, had noticed this significant change, they refused to let this surprising “rebelliousness” bring them down. In fact, Brittany, the most talented of the team, and co-captain, had bitterly asked Preston if he would rather take a break and write some poetry or do some other hippie type of shit on the bench. He smiled politely and said, “Of course not, this game is the most important game of our lives.” She accepted this as sincere and at halftime they began their routine. The big show was going delightfully for the fans and everyone was anticipating Brittany’s famous backflip spin move in which she lands on Preston’s strong shoulders. The move had been broadcasted on the local news channel in a segment called, “This year in sports: the Best of the Best.”

With Brittany preparing herself, she glanced at Preston, who now seemed very serious about this complex manouver. And with that look, she began to thrust backwards until the other members caught her back and flipped her backwards, spinning high into the air. She felt glorious. As she descended, she closed her eyes.
Moments later, her face hit the 50 yard line logo and despite minor injuries, people were crying and the red paint on the field was smeared on her face, mixing with her own tears, making it look as her face was covered in blood.

When it was clear that she was in no need of serious meical attention, the crowd surrounding Brittany all looked at Preston, standing about five yards away, who happened to have his hands deep inside his shorts. He scratched his crotch and walked away. As he walked across the brightly lit field, people began screaming at him, cursing, calling for justice. He was satisfied.

After entering his dorm room, he layed upon his bottom bunk and opened up a book entitled, “How to Distance Yourself…from Yourself.” After reading a few pages, he opened his green spiral notebook and checked off a list of accompolishments and began laughing hysterically. He had a few more goals to reach, so he quickly began to prepare.

When his two roomates entered after losing the game, they immediatley started to berate him and question his logic, and his mental state. Preston listened carefully, and breathed in and out very loudly. And when the roommates began to cool down, Preston proclaimed, “I had sex with Angela ya know.” This was not true, but Angela and Billy (one of the roommates) were the most beautiful couple you could imagine, despite Billy’s internal feelings of jealousy and paranoia. Billy began crying, as his paranoia began to come up with illogical times where they may have slept together, and decided that it must be true. Within seconds of this belief, Billy began to kick the crap out of Preston, who although bloody and crying, was still somehow laughing.

Billy looked over at Armand and, both confused, sat on Billy’s bed. And when the air cleared, Preston stood up, sat on his bed and exclaimed, “Just kidding bro, I would never do that to you! You’re my best friend!”

Visibly shaking, Billy and Armand were now utterly confused and began to question Preston about this charade he was pulling. Preston politley explained, leaning forward, “Can you guys keep a secret?”
Intrigued, both leaned forward and nodded their heads.
Quietly, Preston told them that Brittany was a spy from Ukraine and he was hired by some government agency to kill her, but to make it look like an accident. So he figured that the failed routine would look convincing, but when she didn’t die, he had to make it appear as if he was crazy, which explained his behavior and lying about Angela and his affair.

After hearing this Armand, left the room and flipped off Preston. Billy, who paranoid as ever now, began to ask Preston if their were plans by the government to kill him. Preston said that he was not allowed to disclose anymore information, in fact he had already disclosed too much,but hinted that Billy would have a very bright future ahead of him, unless he was to blow Preston’s cover. Billy shook Preston’s hand and said, Thank you Preston, your secret is safe with me, and I’ll take care of Armand.”

After Billy left the dorm room, Preston, staring at the bars covering his bottom bunk from the top bunk mattress, began to run his finger from one bar to the other. Moments later, his cell phone recieved a message:

“P. What the hell happened? You’re insane and now Billy’s going to find out. And why did you do that to Brittany? lol”

Preston read the text and decided to read the rest of his book, but before falling asleep, he sent a text back to his informant. “Armand, Billy is rediculously stupid, don’t worry. You, myself and Angela are safe, he doesn’t suspect anything. Goodnight.”

As for Brittany, she was again, on the news, but this time, under more saddening headlines: “Cheerleader’s Massive Fall Goes Viral,” and “Was Cheerleader; Now in Wheel-Cheer.”