Net Neutrality & You

The history of the Internet, and the ever important battle for its fair use.

Net Neutrality is back in the spotlight, and with good reason. To speak on Net Neutrality, its impact on your life, and the impact on your life that the loss of Net Neutrality would have, we must start with what the Internet has meant to your life. To do this we must take a look back at the history of the Internet. The Internet, as we all well know, was created a hundred years ago when Steve Wozniak had sex with a calculator. Calculators back then were the size of a human woman, so you could understand Steve’s mistake. Some claim the invention of the Internet had something to do with the Air Force and an old network they used back in the day, but that’s just what Steve calls his penis: “Air Force”. Hence the frequent use of the word “Air” in so many of Apple’s product names: iPad Air, MacBook Air, etc… all names inspired by the Woz Cock. That’s right, Woz gets the ladies queefing. Air Force. Get it? But I digress.

Throughout the majority of its time the Internet had primarily been used by businesses and the uber-rich. As a business tool, and a great one it was, the Internet became the primary means for production in the American workplace. This was all of course until that fateful day when came the horrid dancing hamster virus. This adorable little guy infected millions of computer users’ minds, making them completely useless, unable to complete even the most remedial of tasks. As a result the United States’ economy nearly collapsed, but thanks to Alan Greenspan and his mystical oakwood staff, we were all spared… for a time anyway.

The dancing hamster neurological crisis opened our eyes to the dangers the Internet posed to a user base that was rapidly becoming predominantly recreational, and so in response a bold hero named Monica Lewinsky created Y2K to destroy the Internet and save humanity. As you could imagine there was backlash from those who aimed to protect the Internet and all the money it stood to make Them (you know who I mean), and so a smear campaign was launched to defame Lewinksy as well as President Bill Clinton, her staunchest supporter. Yes there were many a foe for Lewinksy, however to pour through the whole of them would be far too time consuming, so we’ll stick to her greatest threat. This was of course Ted Turner and his massive AOL Army.

For years, blood ran through the streets of Atlanta on up to Washington D.C. as this war between Turner and Lewinsky raged over Y2K. Nearly a half decade passed before the conflict was settled in a bloody battle at sea aboard the USS Ann Lander’s Revenge, wherein Lewinsky’s throat was cut by Turner’s top General and in her dying breath, clutching her slashed throat, Lewinsky congratulated the man who felled her. And so Y2K was defeated, and the Internet lived on. If not for the selfish billionaire’s interests, we would have no Internet today. History has not always been forged by good men.

Soon came a boom in personal Internet use. Sure, an assortment of civilians had computers in their homes long before the Battle Of Y2K, but the television had still remained the epicenter of family life up until then, as it had stood since the first man crawled out of his cave some thousand years ago. It was not until the mononymed bold pioneer Tom created the world’s most powerful personal web design and social sharing site that everyday personal use became the preferred and accepted form for the Internet. Email had been rigid and ugly. By contrast Tom’s site allowed users personalized music and imagery, real ways to display their unique personality. And it is still our main use of the Internet today.

Nowadays we have all sorts of Internet devices, and little in the way of “unconnected” computer technology. Our data storage is outsourced to the Canary Islands where a one legged Imp named Gus and his flock of pet griffins stand guard over all the world’s information. Music, television shows, movies, all that once was viewed over airwaves or read from discs -be they vinyl or lens based- is now online, protected by the ever valiant Gus. Blogs and personal Websites are abundant. Each and every man, woman, child, manchild, and above average intelligent feline can host their own online site dedicated to whatever nonsense they desire, and that nonsensical page can be viewed by any and all Americans easily and readily. How is this so? I’ll tell you: Net Neutrality.

When the Woz put his dick all up in that calculator, the Gods themselves blushed and turned away. If the Gods do not reach down during key moments of creation into the mundane world with Divine Hand and mark their judgement upon the new, it receives absolute agency. This was so of the Internet. At inception it received agency, total and complete freedom from assignment to anyone, and we refer to this agency as Net Neutrality.

The Internet was beholden to no man, no company. Now Comcast and several other entities of evil are seeking an imbalance of the Internet’s freedoms or would-be lack thereof. They have cast a spell of loyalty on the Internet as well as the FCC, Congress, and the Federal Courts. They have lured them with a siren song, and now stand to rob us of good and proper use of all the small personal Websites that make the Internet great.

What was once the Wild West, is now Soviet Russia with Comcast playing the part of Joseph Stalin, only with a more severe thirst for blood, and with pixie dust. Fucking pixie dust is no joke. Seriously. Don’t fuck with a dude on pixie dust. He’ll ruin your fucking life. Just ask Burt Reynolds. That guy used to be on top of the world. Now, where is he? When was the last time you saw Burt Reynolds? What, Striptease? You know what happened? Burt fucked with a dude on pixie dust, and that mother fucker just wouldn’t die. Every time he was about to die, the son of a bitch would just clap his hands together and boom, back to life. Fucked Burt’s shit up hard. No doubt. That’s the same thing that’s happening to the American public. Comcast got some pixie dust, and it’s fucking our shit up hard. No doubt.

If Comcast got their way the Internet would be “pay to play”, which would be bad enough on its own, but the greater implications are menacing to say the least. Comcast has bigger plans than money. I’m talking world domination. For now, it starts with regulating the flow of traffic online, wherein those who pay for higher speed access for their sites will get so. Big companies, Comcast’s partners in tyranny, with the means to pay for faster internet will host sites that take no time to load, but those of us with blogs and personal sites will have slow loading sites. What then is to happen then when we upload our videos and podcasts to YouTube or iTunes? Will those sites pass the expense on down, ask the users to purchase viewing/listening/rendering speeds at varying prices? Will we have to return to downloading media, burning it to a DVD while we take a shit and make dinner, so we have it for later? Are all the little guys being sent back to the year 2004? Yes. Yes, mother fuckers we are. And you should be pissed off about it.

The murder of Net Neutrality is simply one more way in which the less than wealthy are being subjugated. It’s all a part of a greater pixie dust driven madness induced plan by the big dick swinging fat cats to gain control of the world, and turn the likes of you and I into drones, purchasing purchasing purchasing, oh so purchasing forever and ever more. Write your congressman; link them to this post, this message of truth. Tell them we will not stand for world domination. Tell them, if nothing else, we will fight our last stand on the Canary Islands with Gus’ flock of crossbow wielding righteous griffin, holding on to our dying breaths for freedom and agency for the Internet. Beg them to allow the Internet all its freewheeling glory once more. Beg them and hope there is but one amongst the gears of the machine, one small cog which could be bothered to do his or her job to protect the interest of the American people, and not just that of America’s rich. Beg for yourselves. Beg for your Internet.