A Road to Peace

I was ready to give up on business…

I mean…I’m still ready to give up on business. Without sounding like a whiney millennial or shift blame on everyone and everything else, business is hard and has it’s challenges, but I just feel so alone doing this.

I feel like its all on me, and if I take a break, or God-forbid, a vacation, that everything will just fall apart. Anxieties creep up, taxes weigh down, and time disappears like vapor. I am so tired of feeling this way. I just want something to work out.

In the midst of all of this is my drug of choice, ambition.

Ambition has a way of leading me into the future, recently building a pineapple emoji app just because I could, and because it would be fun. I like what I create, and I genuinely enjoy the process; but the positive effects of ambition wear off, and leads to a sick depression. Even though the app has over 40,000 downloads (more than ANY of my previous apps) I am still not satisfied. Ambition RUINS my ability to enjoy the good in life.

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

I’ve come to accept that these feelings are here to keep me safe. Anxiety is here to keep me alert, conscious, and in touch with the real world. Ambition is here to keep me moving, expanding and improving. But to trust either of these as a reliable source of guidance is a fools errand. There is a better road in the middle of these two ditches.

And the thing is, I know that I’m not alone. I know so many business owners who feel the same way, either crippled by anxiety or relentlessly chasing the carrot of ambition. I’ve got to wonder if it always feels this way, like for business leaders who’ve been in it day in and day out…do they still feel the way I do now?

So, where is the road in the middle?

Can I be happy with my accomplishments and feel safe without worry of the future?

I think for the first time in a long while I was able to experience this middle ground. I took a moment to lay down on my bed after a day of work. And thought to myself, “If I do nothing more, am I ok just being me?” “If I stay still for a moment, will I be ok?”

Immediately, peace swept over my person like water. I accepted my limited sense of control. I realized how much of these feelings are just devices of control. By letting go of control, by realizing where my power ends, I found a brief moment of real peace.

I don’t have everything together, and thats ok.