SATIRE
Why Men Should Hire Sex Workers
The honest relationship between a man and his sex worker
Relationships are a bunch of games, especially at the start: no one knows who likes who so both parties pretend not to care. We’ve all been scarred by previous relationships, or at least by previous rejection; we know not to be too vulnerable.
Committing to someone who doesn’t like you is painful, so we don’t commit. Most start-of-a-relationships end in ghosting, casual sex followed by never talking to each other ever again, or some other form of miscommunication that doesn’t help anyone.
It’s easy to find a new person anyway. Just go on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, OkCupid, Clover, or pretty much any other dating app (seriously, there are so many).
There’s a cliché that men use love to get sex, and that women use sex to get love. It’s not always true, but it can be, especially before there’s an agreement to be in an official relationship. How can you know if someone genuinely likes you or if they’re just using you? Guys show interest just to fuck you, and girls show interest just to get any boyfriend they can get because being single is just too lonely.
But wait, there’s something that changes the game: sex workers. They’re a gift to humanity, though since men are usually the ones who use them, they’re more like a gift to men.
I’ll preface this by saying that prostitution is legal in Australia (where I live), and I do not condone any illegal behavior. But if it’s legal where you live, and you’re male (the sex with the penis thing), you should hire a sex worker.
You’ll have an honest relationship
When you date a girl, you don’t know what they want from you. For all you know, what you think is a date is secretly a booby-trap to get you into marriage. Has she even considered your feelings? All you want is something casual. But you wouldn’t realize everything you’ve done wrong until you’re saying your vows; by then, it’s too late.
Sex workers are honest; you know what they want: money. It’s a transparent exchange of goods and services for cash. There’s literally no other intention, and yes, I just used the word ‘literally’ in the correct context (not when I meant ‘figuratively’).
You don’t have to worry about gold diggers; you can be sure that sex workers just want money. Unlike civilian women, you know how much money she’s going to take. You won’t have to buy her fancy dinners, expensive handbags (okay fine, these first two are normal if you have a sugar baby), or billions of dollars in a divorce settlement.
Avoid dishonesty. Hire a sex worker.
You don’t have to commit
Commitment is hard. Our interconnected digital world has brought us too many fish in the sea; there are so many options. How do we choose a partner? There’s no way to know who’s best for us (until an algorithm solves this problem, preferably with machine learning because that’s what’s cool these days).
Commitment means you can get hurt. You have to commit to someone, and there’s a chance they won’t commit back. You can fall helplessly in love with a woman while she doesn’t care about you at all.
Charles Bukowski puts it best:
There are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls, but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. Of course, I expect this, but the knife still cuts.
Fear not, because there’s an elegant solution in the form of a sex worker: they don’t ask for any commitment. Okay, fine, they want a little commitment; they might want you to see them again so you can pay them. Still better than the alternative.
You don’t play with anyone’s feelings
It’s easy for a guy to play with a girl’s feelings. Say goodnight once, and she thinks you’re into her; one date and she thinks you want to be her boyfriend; sex once and she expects you to love and marry her (especially the innocent ones).
It’s an ego thing where you want to believe someone likes you. I always want to think the girl I’m seeing likes me, but I’m a bit of a self-hating asshole, so I usually end up crying by myself in a corner, thinking nobody could ever love me. Which brings me to this: with sex workers, you don’t play with your feelings. Sometimes a civilian girl expects love, so you give a little bit just to feel something, but before you know it, you’re actually feeling these love feelings. It’s like a magic trick where you think you feel something, so you start feeling it. None of this bullshit exists with sex workers.
Other than your feelings, you play with someone else’s too. Show a little bit of care, and somehow, she thinks you’re madly in love with her. And then you can’t leave. It’s hard, so you stay longer in a relationship you don’t even want, and before long, you’ve gone too far. You’re knee-deep in a relationship with a girl you didn’t want to be with, and now you’re going to break her heart.
You can stop playing with people’s feelings (including your own) if you hire a sex worker. No emotions involved; no strings attached; no expectations of a relationship. Money for sex, or a dinner, or a lap dance (depending on what kind of sex worker you’re hiring).
Make the world a better place. Hire a sex worker. Hurt fewer people.
I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never hired a sex worker and don’t plan to any time soon. But I do believe there are benefits, especially for men who want to avoid relationships.
We try to empower sex workers: women should be free to explore their sexuality, but we see the men who use them as dirty. Something about that seems wrong, doesn’t it? I hope my playing devil’s advocate has made them look a little less dirty.
Happy Space Cats is a humor publication here on Medium looking for new writers and followers!
