Dear President Donald Trump,

I write this letter from a place deep within myself, one of humility and gratitude that you are now the President of the United States of America.

Congratulations. Your amazing victory is the story of legend. You have not only truly captured a moment in time, but a place in history. To some, it is against all odds that you became President of the United States of America.

Like many others, I didn't think for a moment you would be in this position. I too, like perhaps yourself, was stunned to see such a definitive win, even if all of us, including Hillary Clinton and the Democrats should have seen this coming. I mean, most people did not think you were going to win. Even you didn’t think you were going to win, until you did.

But now that we're here, I want you to know that I am humbled, and even excited for your resounding win (if we ignore the popular vote).

There are many reasons for my gratitude to you, Mr. President. And while every single reason cannot be voiced, I feel it necessary to highlight some of the most tremendous reasons for my gratitude. They’re really the best reasons.

First, I’m grateful that even though you’re not in office, you’re already making America great again. This has nothing to do with that big league Carrier deal you finished, or the fact that you’re cabinet is on record to be the wealthiest in history. Instead, you’re making America great again by literally forcing all of us to confront certain, perhaps ugly truths people have been ignoring for quite some time. Perhaps unbeknownst to yourself, you’ve exposed the fact that many of us don’t care for one another because of the polarization that continues to grow in the good 'ol USA. I mean, who would have thought the news media could turn the weather into a politically partisan debate for a few days?

Thanks in part to you, you’re forcing many of us to leave our comfort zones and actually talk, in a civilized manner to people whose opinions might in fact be different from our own. This is a momentous feat considering the fact we the people seem to live in two separate realities. Hell, you’re even inadvertently exposing many internal hypocrisies within everyone, regardless who did or did not vote for you. Thank you.

I'm not sure there's even enough time to get into how grateful I am that you're partially responsible for inadvertently revealing that racism is still very much alive and well in the United States. Who would have thought?

Speaking of racism, I’m grateful for your thoughtful responses to any and all challenges that you face, especially when it comes to racism. Some people might take less than than a few days to denounce the KKK or hate crimes perpetrated in one’s name. But not you. You take your time to consider the pro and cons before crafting an artful message like “stop it.” Your timing is so spectacular, especially when you’re using such a wonderful modern form of communication and tweeting concisely crafted messages at two or three in the morning. The idea that anyone would need to take away your Twitter privileges fills me with heartbreak.

One of the best things I admire about you is that you’re like an everyday guy (who received a few million dollars from their father) that tells it like it is.

Mr. President, I appreciate your straight shootin’ talk, like when you revealed on 60 Minutes that your “campaign issues weren’t meant to be taken literally, but as opening bids for negotiation.” To me, nothing is more honest and straightforward than using nuanced metaphors. I’m sure nobody took you seriously, or literally. I mean what’s more honest and straightforward than revealing your motives after an election? There’s no way anyone could be confused about anything when, as GOP Sen. Bill Cassidy told CNN,

“’The media took [you] literally but not seriously and [your] supporters took [you] seriously but not literally…’"

You’re a man of much faith, who wouldn’t dare pander to anyone to get votes.

I'm also grateful to you for exposing the litany of corruption within our political system. You've exposed the suckage of both political parties.

Mr. Donald, you’ve hilariously exposed the ongoing weaknesses of the Democratic Party. In a way, you, along with some… well, let’s say indirect and/or frustrated acquaintances 😉 exposed the machinations of an entitled, corrupt core within the Democratic Party that seem to operate like the rules don’t apply to them. You, along with your friends 😉, exposed how the Democrats were so damn determined to elect a person that you would later defeat tremendously through an outdated political system. Thanks to you, only now are the Democrats considering changing this outdated system since it has not worked out in their favor- twice, while simultaneously using the broken system by petitioning electors to not vote for you anyway. Mr. Trump, I’m also grateful to you, for perhaps unknowingly exposing the lengths of which the Democratic Party would go to sow up votes for their favored candidate (that may or may not have known about these things) through methods including, but not limited to: trolling, passing notes and tipping the scales.

For Republican politicians, I thank you Mr. President for being a great uniter. It’s great to see that you are willing to work with Republicans despite all the times you railed against a large number of them (when they weren’t railing against you); like that old guy who got captured in Vietnam. What a jerk, right? I’m grateful that you’re able to flawlessly transition from tweeting against them to working with them, like that Lyin’ Ted guy who seemed so eager to work with you after the primaries, even though you accused his father of helping out with the JFK assassination or the fact that at one point he said you aligned with Clinton and Obama. We also can’t forget about that Mitt Romney fellow you were parading around in front of people in what could only be described as some strange public humiliation ritual all because he so desperately wanted to work for you in some capacity despite the fact he called you a fraud and “very very not smart.” I’m most grateful you’re working with his one time running mate, that weak and ineffective leader Paul Ryan you recently patched things up with even though, at several points during the campaign, he for some strange reason, called you out on some racist and sexist things you’ve said. Now, some may call this hypocritical pandering and groveling as a way to stay in power, but I prefer to see it as a result of your so very tremendous skills as uniter, because, let’s face it, it’s like some of the best uniting the world has ever seen.

And, Mr. President, you’re not just uniting Republicans together, which I appreciate tremendously. Whoever would have thought we’d see Glenn Beck and Bill Maher agree on anything? Or who would have ever in a million years thought we’d see Samantha Bee & Glenn Beck bonding and eating cake? Very big league.

I’m also grateful for your exposure of the corrupt and out of touch news media. How can we forget the number of times pundits, pollsters and various other journalists predicted your downfall only to be so, so, so painfully wrong. Only after your win Mr. President Trump are they starting to realize some of the many spectacular reasons why you may have won so tremendously (if we ignore the popular vote). I mean, sure, they should have seen it coming, but still. You masterfully manipulated the news media, exposing their penchant for chasing ratings instead of truth.

Thank you for being a disruptor of… well, just about everything. You've jarred all of us!

For too long many of us have been far too complacent in regards to relying on facts and reason thanks to our own echo chambers of confirmation bias. Yet others, including many of your most prominent and excited supporters have been far too complacent at taking someone at their word about certain promises made.

And the way you have upended so many conventions and schools of thought is just so tremendously big league. You're turning conventional wisdom on its head. Normally, someone would nominate folks most qualified and considered “experts in their field” for various cabinet positions. But not you. I mean, who needs experts that know what they're talking about anyway? You're creating a team of blunt-talkers with real-world experience who are used to getting their way as Reuters so artfully put it.

I’m profoundly grateful to you and your astonishing victory, Mr. President, so much so that I’ve even stopped calling you Donald Drumpf out of respect.

Thank you sweet prince of princes for being so tremendous. All of us are extremely fortunate (?) to be living in such a…. time and place in history. Clearly, this is what God intended. I know you're going to be the best president that ever presidented, even if your VP might be doing all the work.

Yours Truly,

Brycical Crumblepatch


Bryce updated this letter on 01/20/17. He is sometimes a poet and occasionally talks about political bullshit because everyone talks about it. Here are two political articles,

My One & Only Comment on Election 2016

Let’s Vote for Empathy

And here is one that isn’t as political,

4 Tips For Those That Think (aka Everyone)”