128/300: What would you like to put in storage?

i’d like to put my worries away for a while. the little, mundane, everyday ones. things like worrying about getting too much sleep or not exercising enough or missing my bus or sweating too much when it’s hot outside or forgetting my umbrella when it might rain. the worries that just don’t matter but that i feel nonetheless.

i wouldn’t categorize myself as a worrier. i certainly don’t want to. i think of myself more so as overly pragmatic. i like to be prepared, to anticipate any obstacles that might arise. that’s a good quality, right? i think it is. i tell myself it is. but it’s easy for me to let that slip into over-analyzing and worrying about things.

it’s partly my personality, for sure. but i also think it’s an over-exposure to information. nowadays, it feels like there’s just more shit to worry about. and for me, the more i know, the easier it is to worry. the fire hose of knowledge is difficult to avoid these days. at any moment, i can access the weather forecast, check bus times, see traffic delays, look at my email, read the news — you get the idea. this isn’t an indictment of technology, it’s just that all of that means i constantly have some stressor niggling at me. it’s useful information, but it’s just…so much.

it honestly bothers me because i’m naturally a calm person. that’s my default demeanour. i’m relaxed. but all the data pinging around me chips away at my psyche, pulling me away from peace and comfort. maybe it’s all self-inflicted, but come on, this stuff is tough to avoid.

i don’t think i’ve learned to adapt to the noise yet. it comes at me from every angle, all the time. i feel like all my senses are constantly being triggered, which after a while becomes a state my body is used to, so when things are quiet, i constantly look for a source of input.

why is it so difficult to chill? to just not be receiving sensory inputs for a time?

i’m sure i’ll figure it out, get some self control, yada yada. with age comes wisdom and experience and — i hope — a sense of balance. for now, i’ll teeter along the edge, occasionally falling prey to the noise, occasionally blocking it out completely. it’s just that the world is so loud and i never got a remote to turn down the volume.

guess i’ll have to make it myself.