A Meditation on Anger
My Missing Emotion
*This article will discuss depression and anger
I remember talking to a friend once late at night about my anger — or rather my lack of anger.
As far back as I could remember I had not really been angry and anyone.
In many was I was thankful for this lack of anger. It helped me to avoid conflict. I never had road rage. I was able to wait patiently behind slow people in the checkout line.
It all seemed good.
What I did not realize at the time is that I could not remember the last time I had been truly happy either.
Sure I would get excited about some upcoming event or nervous for a speech, but I was never moved with emotion.
I didn’t care.
When college became remote in 2020, it broke me.
I had thought for a long time that I may have some form of depression, but I was always able to justify not talking to anyone about it. When I first suspected I may be battling depression I was just 13. Of course I had always heard that being a teenager was tough on people, so I thought that if I tried to talk to anyone about it, they would just blame it on puberty or something. I also lived in the middle of the Midwest. Men there didn’t talk about emotions; they drank (privately) and went hunting.
When I finally broke down and talked to my parents, they were incredibly supportive. I was able to talk about things with them, and get started on some mild antidepressants.
Since starting my medication things have started to regain their color.
However, this can be a double-edged sword.
While joy came back into my life, so too did anger.
I still control my anger well, but is back, and I am happy for it. I would much rather be able to enjoy my life, even if it means an occasional flash of anger.