A Year of Garbage Movies #74: Piranha 3DD (2012)
Piranha 3DD is a ground-breaking, avant garde parable for the commoditization and cynical sexualization of modern cinema.
The film delivers its message on a multitude of levels, swapping seamlessly between the literal and the meta-fictional narratives with each segment of dialogue.
An example:
A trite conversation between two would-be lovers over one’s insecurity at the size of her friend’s breasts acts as a feint, lulling the viewer into a false sense of complacency with a dose of B-movie camp. This has the effect of sharpening the impact of the next cut: due to a mishap involving handcuffs in The Mystery Machine, the aforementioned well-endowed friend and her partner are devoured mid-coitus by a pack of carnivorous fish in a beautifully crafted metaphor for the disintegration of the nuclear family in modern America. The subtle eroticism of the scene (The van penetrates the lake as it sinks. Also people are having sex on screen) creates a state of unconscious dissonance in the viewer’s psyche, wherein their lizard brain relishes the gore and nudity on-screen while their super-ego is greatly disturbed. Likely, they will dream of Leave it to Beaver episodes the following night and never quite know why.
Not content to limit itself to an exploration of post-World War II family dynamics, Piranha 3DD is also a transgressive form of Biblical allegory.
In one scene, one of the female leads (not coincidentally, the same lead who expressed insecurity over her breast size earlier) believes herself to be dying of some unknown ailment (in this case, carrying piranha eggs; see The Sickness Unto Death, Soren Kierkegaard for the existential implications of carrying unhatched piranhas to term) and asks her boyfriend to have sex with her before dying. Said act is interrupted by a newly hatched piranha latching onto his genitalia and in a panic, he chops his penis off. The woman, recovering from her swoon, enters the kitchen to find the bloody aftermath, and is confronted by her maimed lover who demands to know what she did to him. Obviously this is a modern retelling of the story of Adam and Eve, where the Forbidden Fruit is piranha sex and ultimately the woman is blamed for the fall of man, symbolized by the dick chopping.

By the second act, the conflict has shifted from the mere threat of some piranhas to the impending invasion of a horde of piranhas into the water park. Obviously, this is a commentary on McCarthyism and requires no deeper analysis.
Piranha 3DD found its place on this list not through any creative shortcomings of its own, but by virtue of merely being ahead of its time. Only time will tell if it will continue to languish in obscurity, only to be celebrated by intelligentsia and professors of film, or if it will seize its rightful place as a visionary masterpiece among the likes of “Metropolis” and “Evil Bong 420”.
Pros:
- Christopher Lloyd plays what I assume to be himself at this point in his career
- David Hasselhoff literally plays himself
- I didn’t recognize every porn star who plays an extra in this movie so there’s still hope for me
Cons:
- This movie mostly consists of shots of topless women, who presumably had to be cast for their role. Harvey Weinsten was an executive producer for this movie. So yeah…there’s that.
