A week later and I had been by April’s side for as long as I could every day. All I could do at that point was wait but I didn’t know if that was possible. I started to think she wouldn’t wake up and come back to us anymore. I had hope, I really did, but I didn’t want to keep my hopes up if there was a chance it could go horribly wrong. I’ve never been one to work like that.
But even if she did wake up, who was to say she wouldn’t try again? She could have made all the promises she wanted but there was no stopping her from trying a second time behind everyone’s backs like she did the first.
I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to accept the fact that she might die just like she intended to in the first place, but I knew I had to have hope for the both of us. She’d come back better than ever and it was always up to my parents, her friends and I to make sure that she was happy. If not “happy”, to make sure she was content. It was the least we could have done for her.
A million thoughts went through my head at once. It was as if two different sides of my mind were arguing with themselves and I couldn’t find a way to compromise and keep them quiet.
I promised myself that I wasn’t falling for her games from then on. I would make an extra effort to be on her case from the moment she woke up in the morning to the moment she fell asleep at night.
But what if she started to hate me for it? What if the relationship we already had started to deteriorate?
I didn’t care. I knew she would thank me in later years. I would be her saviour; I’d keep her safe.
But what if I was wrong? What if she shut me out completely and never wanted anything to do with me again?
I’d know when I was doing the right thing. I’d be following logic and if I needed advice on what to do, I’d ask for it.
But what about my parents and April’s friends? They’d obviously have wanted to do their parts to help her too.
I knew I had to take control of my mental conflict as soon as I possibly could. I couldn’t be sitting around waiting to come to a conclusion. I had to get this out of the way now.
I knew I had to think of the other people in April’s life. The ones that meant something to her as much as she meant to me. I had to include them in my plan and make it our plan.
Our plan to make sure she’s on the right path to recovery. It would most definitely have been the better thing to do. The kinder thing to do. I mean, at the end of the day I didn’t want to come across as controlling and intimidating. I had never been and will never be that sort of person.
I was reading to her whilst all this was going on in my head. I hadn’t paid attention to the pages I read out loud but I knew April heard every word.
I still want to turn back time with the knowledge I already have, and stop her in her tracks
I felt hopelessly useless. I couldn’t do anything to bring her back. All I could do was wait.
All we could do was wait.