Every Post About Millennials

I remember a time when things were different. Simpler. My car ran on good old-fashioned gasoline. Jobs. Some people had them. I even had one!

But now, there are millennials. Millennials are very different. They don’t want cars with internal combustion engines. Many don’t have jobs! How do we address these different needs, this different culture?

Billy Example is a millennial. He lives in a gluten-free, organic, free-trade, artisanal yurt in his parents’ back yard. After graduating high school, he had grand, unrealistic ambitions. “I think my greatest weakness is that I’m too creative, too passionate,” he tells me, sipping a custom blend of monkey-picked oolong and kombucha he ordered from this week’s hottest hipster app. “I have so many great ideas, but nobody will listen to me because I’m only 23. It’s not fair.”

Behind him, the woven yak-hair wall of his living quarters proudly displays all the participation ribbons he earned throughout his short life. This is a perfect opportunity for me to complain about the fact that millennials deserve nothing, but are given everything; my generation deserved everything, and was given nothing.

Millennials are rapidly becoming the major demographic of the first world. I’d display a chart, here, but it would be a misleading albeit colorful one from HuffPost and you’ll all skim right by it, anyway.

But the fact of the matter is, as the world fills with millennials, it is woefully unprepared to adapt to them. As more and more of the rest of us normal folk die off, we’ll have to understand: There will be a reckoning. If we do not pivot our policies to accommodate millennials, there will be unspecified consequences the likes of which we can’t possibly imagine now.