Four Years Later (Addendum)

Striking a Balance Between Fulfillment and Direction

It’s July 4, 2014. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 85 degrees, 65% humidity. My friend and I had been grilling since 1:00 pm. Burgers, links, garlic bread, and beer (we didn’t grill the beer). A humid day for an outdoor activity, but a great opportunity to spend time with other humans. After these delectable delicacies, we meet up with more people and braved the hundreds of thousands who leave their homes to see Pittsburgh’s Fourth of July Spectacular. As I watch the booming fireworks escape from the steel barges floating peacefully down the Monangahela River, my mind starts to drift. I always considered the Fourth of July to be a day for family and loved ones. These last two years have been exceptions but it wasn’t too long ago…

It’s July 4, 2010. New York, New York. 91 degrees, 60% humidity. I wake up to the sounds of the air conditioner humming and cars driving past my tiny room. I stir under my worn cotton sheets before I suddenly realize what day it is. She’s coming. As if the top of my head were magnetically attracted to the ceiling, I am sitting straight up looking at my roommate’s vacant bed. He is gone for the weekend, and my girlfriend is coming. We have the entire place to ourselves. I planned out the next three days in my head: we would cook tacos together over an open fire in the backyard, watch fireworks on the rooftop of my Brooklyn-based apartment, drink Joos and slowly allow the state of inebriation to overtake our actions, and spend intimate evenings with each other. I felt so undeserving of her affection and attention that I would ensure that every single detail of these 70+ hours were going to be memorable for her.

Four years ago, I was happy. However, my life was a complete mess. I had barely escaped the treacherous gauntlet that is Columbia University’s mechanical engineering program. I was working part-time at the university library and “conducting” research at my old undergrad lab. I had no job prospects within a mile of my reach, did not pass the E.I.T. exam, and felt utterly lost as I entered this first stage of post-college life.

Four years ago, I was happy. Her choppy laugh, her determined eyes, her dry wit; they were enough to make a man go mad. Still, I pondered why I spent those five years in school and currently had nothing to show for it. I was split into two different people, Dr. Love and Mr. Dud. Thinking about her brought a smile to my face, thinking about everything else made me feel depressed. But I was happy.

Thinking back on it now, this was a time where I thought that the only good thing in my life was my girlfriend. My obsession with making her “as happy as you make me” stemmed from this belief, and ultimately led to my feelings of unworthiness. The reason I could not make her as happy as she made me is because her life did not seem to be grinding to a fatal halt. I had tasked myself with the impossible, trying to save a woman who did not need saving and never asked for it. But I was happy.

It is now 2014 (four years later), and my life has completely turned around. I graduated in the top percentile of my graduate class, earned an expensive salary and job three months before commencement, am living in a great location filled with other young urban professionals, and am making decisions that make me feel that I am worthy of my salary.

Today, I feel like I have a sense of purpose. My worth is not determined by what kind of car I have, what my body looks like, the clothes I wear, or what I do with my spare time. In many regards, I have made leaps and bounds compared to my two-faced twin, Dr. Love and Mr. Dud. I have a sense of direction; however, I am not happy.

Holistically thinking about these experiences, we are compelled to find the maximum in both our fulfillment and direction. Four years ago, I was completely fulfilled; however, my direction was at an all time low. Today, I have the best sense of direction I have experienced; however, my fulfillment is not where it was back in 2010. This is a constant battle that I have with myself each and every day. The choices I make have dictated the life I lead.

I do not have a girlfriend, haven’t had one in almost two years. I have had small arrangements with other people every now and then, but nothing where I would I say I feel fulfilled. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps my perspective of being fulfilled needs to change. Another thought is that we are not supposed to be fulfilled or feel a sense of purpose at either extreme of the emotional spectrum. I think the real sweet spot is when we can find a balance between these two.

Four years from now…