Self-Reflection

PRashant Pant
Nov 1 · 2 min read

November 1, 2019

We start our Nofap journey from today, me and the boys. My whole semester break has ended just like that. I didn’t do the Programming, nor did I continue Vlogging or Blogging. I feel quite sad about it. I saw it coming. But this blog isn’t going to be about another whiny journal writing about ‘How fucked up my life is!’, but this blog is going to be more about self-reflection, something I guess we should all do.

It has been already about two or three hours since I fucked a chick. I met about five to six chicks this break, made out with three of them and fucked one. From the chick perspective, I am pretty sure I nailed this. I don’t think I have been so much comfortable around chicks before. It is like there is comfort I have developed about myself. Something like ‘No matter what happens, everything is going to be alright’ plus with another mindset of ‘You know what, I don’t care, I am still good enough for what I am already’. You wouldn’t believe, I went on dates on my Mum’s scooter (which is like 10 years old) and yet was able to make-out with them. I didn’t care whether my T-shirt was a little too huge or tight, too colorful or too pale, every time I had a thought like this, the voice in the back would be: You know what, it fucking doesn’t matter, You own it.

I think I have started to accept the fact that I am not strong nor smart enough, I am going to make mistakes, things are going to be silly, I am silly, I have a darker side and an insecure side too. This single acceptance, I guess have allowed my inner-me to come out. Now, don’t get me wrong. This blog, in no sense, means to wear crap, become crap and yet show confidence. The blog is more about embracing your darker or shameful side not with an intention of improving it, but with the intention of owning it. And when you own it, you set into the part of improvement. Improvement seems to me as a by-product.

And now about the women thing. I think it is the comfort that I gave to them that they enjoyed. The rough edges that I expressed about myself are what they found comforting. My intention was never to express to fuck them (okay maybe), but rather it was to express because I wanted them to know the true me. If I have to say, this semester-break was more of a practical assessment of everything I had read about women, sexuality and men’s emotion. Being a person who is getting over a super hot ex, it quite has been challenging in many ways. I don’t consider myself to be recovered or moved on, but I am sure I know a lot of emotional sides and am getting comfortable expressing it.

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