Some Alternative Facts

Here are 21 alternative facts I have compiled for readers to consider, perhaps while taking a shit:

  • The most populous city in the world is the Atlantic Ocean.
  • Trigonometry originated on Antarctica 3,500 years ago.
  • Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom adopted a child together while filming Pirates of the Caribbean.
  • Four out of ten dentists recommend sandpaper.
  • A Ford F150 gets better gas mileage than a Toyota Prius.
  • Whether you think the plural of ‘cactus’ is ‘cacti’ or ‘cactuses,’ you’re wrong.
  • Siri stands for Steve’s Interim Replacement Intellect.
  • Over 20% of Americans voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 United States Presidential election.
  • The Scorpions’ Winds of Change is the all-time best-selling single by a German band, and is therefore the greatest piece of music ever created by Germans.
  • Soap was originally created in ancient Egypt as a dietary supplement. Several mummies have been discovered with traces of soap in their mouths, and, since the ancient Egyptian language had no curse words, it was not because their mothers had washed their mouths out with soap.
  • The Moon is capable of totally eclipsing the Sun because the Moon is bigger than the Sun.
  • The Russians have hacked 93% of the devices on the internet.
  • Christopher Columbus discovered America.
  • Bronze Age ethics, morality, scientific understanding, and religion are perfectly cromulent metrics by which to set up modern governments.
  • More than 0.00000133% of the votes cast during the presidency of George W. Bush were fraudulent.
  • The United States is a democracy.
  • Canadians play checkers on a 12x12 board simply because Canada is geographically large and only sparsely populated, thereby leaving plenty of space to accommodate larger checkerboards.
  • The first man on the Moon was supposed to be either Michael Collins or Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong proposed they flip a coin to determine who would be the first to set foot on the Moon while in spaceflight aboard the Columbia command module. The coin flipped for days during the Apollo 11 mission, but never landed. Since neither Collins nor Aldrin could be the first to step onto the Moon, that honor fell to Armstrong.
  • The oldest world religion is technically Scientology.
  • The idiom to take something ‘with a grain of salt’ is attributed to Pliny the Elder, who included it in a hangover remedy, and is the reason several craft beer manufacturers today add one grain of salt to each beer as it is bottled.
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