The Strawgenda

It’s a sad moment in our great country’s history. Everywhere we look, everything we do, sometimes everything we think, is being ripped apart and flushed down the toilet by liberals. They’re dismantling our beautiful liberties and freedoms piece by glorious piece. It started with political correctness — forcing us to say what they want us to say. Demanding we watch our labels and how we describe someone or something, coercing us not to trigger anyone. What the fuck? Then it went on with public bathrooms. Have you been to an airport lately? In between the icon of the man with broad shoulders and strong firm legs and the woman, is a freakish hermaphrodite-looking thing, a half-man/half-woman outline, it’s shape mysterious and foreign, forbidden. What is this? Mythology? And then there’s foreign things. Anything foreign. People, places, food. Why go to Paris when you have a replica in Las Vegas?

Which brings me to food. Or what I call, The Strawgenda. Let’s say you just ordered your favorite meal from your favorite restaurant. It’s a burger, freedom fries, and an ice cold Coca-Cola. It’s from McDonald’s, say. Our President’s favorite restaurant. You’re enjoying the All-American beef and you want to wash it all down your throat, and so you take a sip from your Coke. What happens? What feels different? THE STRAW IS MADE OF FUCKING PAPER. What the ever-living-fuck is going on? Look, if I want to put something in my mouth and suck, I want that thing to be firm and tall. I want it to stand at attention. I want it to goddamn salute me, waiting for me to take it in my mouth and let my tongue and lips do their God-given gift. I don’t want the damn thing to shrivel up, go soft on me. Like a damn pussy. But that’s if I want to do that. I don’t do that anyway. I don’t suck things. I don’t suck up my drinks. I drink them right from the cup or the mug or stein. I just don’t suck, okay?

Bottom line: when will they stop? When will they quit forcing us into doing things we hate? Very soon. We can make all this liberal madness end by buying the Campaign’s new laser-engraved straws with the President’s name on it. Supporting our President’s re-election in 2020 will bring this liberal strawgenda to an end, because let’s face it, LIBERAL STRAWS DON’T WORK. If we’re going to suck, let’s do it right. Let’s Make Straws Great Again!

Sincerely,

Cabal S. Draper