2017 Draft Recap

Another year is upon us. Another year means more idiotic trade demands, more idiotic decisions by idiotic owners, and more idiotic draft picks. This draft recap will touch of all of these. Without further ado …


Jimmy (Last Year’s Record: 4–9)

In: Corey Davis, Curtis Samuel, KD Cannon, Gehrig Dieter, a 2018 2nd round pick, and Marshawn Lynch

Out: Sterling Shepard, 4.08, a 2018 2nd round pick

Jimmy’s super successful season led him to a terrible record and the first overall draft pick. The once-consensus idea was that Leonard Fournette would be the selection at 1.01, but Jimmy “fooled” everyone by taking Corey Davis. Oh, no! What will the rest of the league do now that Jimmy took Davis over Fournette?!?! I’ll tell you what we WON’T do — worry. At all. Jimmy, your team is still a dumpster fire. Congratulations on overdrafting the league’s newest scatback (Curtis Samuel) who the Panthers will probably be unable to figure out how to use effectively, rendering him useless. Congratulations on Marshawn Lynch, who hasn’t played professional football in a year and will probably be horrifically out of shape. Congratulations on KD Cannon and Greg Dieter — one of those guys just got cut and is scheduled the play the same number of snaps this season as me, and one of those guys is a homer pick who transferred away from Jimmy’s alma mater (probably because he met Jimmy) and who will almost assuredly struggle to make a roster. As always Jimmy, thank you for donating $50 year after year.

Grade: D-

Jake (Last Year’s Record: 4–9)

In: David Njoku, Mitchell Trubisky, Noah Brown, the rights to Rashard Higgins, two 2018 4th’s, two 2019 4th’s

Out: Philip Rivers, 5.02, 5.03, 5.04

Jacob. Where to even begin. First, it’s a miracle that you even completed the draft considering you’re always too busy to piss or use your phone. Being THE MORTGAGE GUY really has to wear you down. It’s gotta be tough to not be able to leave your work at the office, but we’re glad that you decided to eventually let us finish this draft. You made smart trades in the later rounds by trading your many 5th’s for future 4ths, but you refused to do the same thing earlier in the draft when offered a future 3rd. You said you were PUMPED about the guys that were going to be there in the 5th round, and then you ended up trading away all of those picks. Sounds like a front office mix-up. Seems like a GM who isn’t focused on the task at hand. What a shame.

I love David Njoku and it was almost a guarantee that you would select him knowing your affinity for Browns players. Nice work. However, a truly horrific job on the rest of your draft. Trubisky doesn’t make sense for you knowing that you have Jameis, and I’ve never even heard of Noah Brown.

Wouldn’t you rather just have Philip Rivers and Drew Brees instead of Trubisky? Oh boy.

Grade: D-

Cody (Last Year’s Record: 5–8)

In: Todd Gurley, Demaryius Thomas, Spencer Ware, Gerald Everett, Kevin White, 2018 1st, 2018 5th

Out: Sammy Watkins, Alshon Jeffrey, 2018 1st, 1.03

Now this is interesting. All of you other rebuilding schmucks need to take note. Sometimes, trading away your “unknown” draft picks for more established talent is the way to move. Cody traded out two talented, injury-prone players for guys that he feels have the chance to rebound or be key factors on his team. His starting lineup now feels like it’s going to be better than 5 wins. This is a high-risk, high-reward draft. I like it.

Grade: B+

Curt (Last Year’s Record: 5–8)

In: OJ Howard, Jamaal Williams, TJ Logan, Elijah Hood, Latavius Murray, Rishard Matthews, Duke Johnson, Tavon Austin

Out: LeSean McCoy, Kirk Cousins, 2018 1st

The Google Spreadsheet I use to keep track of the draft and trades is littered with nonsense from Curt. He is an incredibly active trader who didn’t pick in his own draft slot at all due to his bet on Hillary Clinton. But WOW, THE CARNAGE. Curt gave up two top 10 guys at their respective positions for the right to draft or receive a ton of players. He turned that draft capital into…Jamaal Williams? TJ Logan? OJ Howard aka the 4th option in that offense? WHO IS TJ LOGAN?! Curt. Man. This is tough. Your team should literally be named The Backup Squad.

Grade: F

Chimdi (Last Year’s Record: 6–7)

In: Mike Williams, Kareem Hunt, Evan Engram, Carlos Henderson, Philip Rivers, Alshon Jeffrey

Out: Marshawn Lynch, 2018 2nd, 4.05, 5.05, 2018 1st

Chimdi quietly went about his business and probably had the best draft out of all of us. Just because Chimdi isn’t active in the thread doesn’t mean he isn’t out here plotting and scheming. He took advantage of Jake’s ineptitude and stole Philip Rivers, who may be old but arguably has one of the league’s most explosive offenses at his fingertips. He swiped Alshon Jeffrey from Cody, and traded up to grab Andy Reid’s newest toy in Kareem Hunt. He doesn’t have either of his first 2 picks next year, but with this draft haul, he may not need them. Beware the year of Chimdi…

Grade: A-

Freeman (Last Year’s Record: 7–6)

In: Alvin Kamara, Chad Hansen, Taylor Gabriel, Dorial Green Beckham, Ladarius Green, Chris Hogan, two 2018 3rds

Out: 2.06, 3.06, 3.09

Look, I don’t necessarily think that Freeman had a bad draft. He didn’t give up a whole lot, and he got a couple nice upside pieces in guys like Kamara and Green.

But don’t forget, he traded OBJ to Darius for Dez Bryant, a first round pick that has now turned out to be Alvin Kamara, and a 2018 1st round pick.

Dez Bryant hasn’t had a 1000 yard season in three years. Alvin Kamara is playing behind Mark Ingram and Adrian Peterson. No matter who he takes next year to complete the deal, wouldn’t you still rather have OBJ? I mean, he’s probably the best player in fantasy football. Tough to swallow.

Grade: C-

Parnell (Last Year’s Record: 7–6)

In: Deshaun Watson, Malachi Dupre, James Conner, Elijah McGuire, Donnel Pumphrey, Jordan Leggett, Sterling Shepard, 2018 2nd

Out: 1.06

I’m calling this type of draft “The Leftovers”. It’s not horrific, it’s not great, and it will certainly fill you up if you’re hungry. Just don’t get too picky. You gotta take what you can get. There are no high upside guys here (unless you consider Watson a future star). Donnel Pumphrey is as big as me, James Conner is as big as Fat Bastard, and Sterling Shepard may only catch 30 balls. I don’t know what to make of this.

Grade: C-

Pringle (Last Year’s Record: 7–6)

In: Christian McCaffrey, Adam Shaheen, LeSean McCoy, Jay Ajayi, 2018 1st

Out: Tavon Austin, Ezekiel Elliott, Kevin White

Dear Andrew,

All I wanted to do was please you. I tried everything in my power to make you happy. I was told that you had an up and coming roster. I was told that I was supposed to be the savior. I was supposed to carry us to a championship. I saw it in my dreams. Everyone else patted me on the back and told me to run hard. Never give up. And I didn’t, Andrew. I didn’t give up. I ran for 1,631 yards and 15 touchdowns. I scored 294 fantasy points. I watched you smile from ear to ear as I crossed into the end zone over and over again. I tried to lasso the sun and bring it down to Earth for you. I wanted us to catch fire together. I wanted to make history. I thought you did, too.

I got the call on draft night. I was headed to Team John for Jay Ajayi and the pick that turned out to be Christian McCaffrey. You were my first love, Andrew, but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want me. Why don’t you want me? There’s no way the combination of those two guys is better than me. It doesn’t make sense, and neither does your “thought process”. Shame on you. Don’t worry, your matchup with Team John is already circled on my calendar. Enjoy it. You asked for this.

Love,

Ezekiel Elliott

Grade: F

Darius (Last Year’s Record: 8–5)

In: Joe Mixon, Samaje Perine, D’Onta Foreman, Bucky Hodges

Out: Latavius Murray, Jamison Crowder, Chris Hogan

I guess you can afford to go RB heavy in a draft when your WRs are Amari Cooper, OBJ, Deandre Hopkins, Keenan Allen, Terrelle Pryor and Cam Meredith. Ugh.

This draft is real good if Mixon and Perine win starting jobs. Until then, lots of potential.

Grade: B

John (Last Year’s Record: 8–5)

In: Ezekiel Elliott, Leonard Fournette, Wayne Gallman, Kenny Golloday, Ryan Switzer, Ishmael Zamora, George Kittle, Kirk Cousins, Jamison Crowder, two 2018 1sts

Out: Todd Gurley, Demaryius Thomas, Jay Ajayi, 2018 4th, 2019 4th, 2018 5th

Zeke and Fournette together scare me to no end. John got Kirk Cousins for free, and somehow stole Jamison Crowder from Darius.

League, meet destruction. Sigh.

Grade: A

Fred (Last Year’s Record: 8–5)

In:

Out:

FUCK YOU FRED YOU FAKE ASS COMMISSIONER BITCH SEE IF I EVER WRITE ABOUT YOUR SORRY ASS BUNCH OF LOSERS THAT YOU CALL A TEAM CONGRATULATIONS ON LOSING TO ME IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP LAST YEAR YOU DEGENERATE IDIOT NICE WORK ON THE DRAFT AKA IM LYING AKA SHUT UP

Brett (Last Year’s Record: 9–4)

In: Sammy Watkins, Taywan Taylor, Joe Williams, Pat Mahomes

Out: 2018 1st

You come at the King, you best not miss.

Grade: A+ forever

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