2018 Season Preview — 1515 Dynasty League

Brett Cline
Sep 7, 2018 · 7 min read

We’re back again, boys. I didn’t want to write this at all. My creative juices are not flowing. After 6 years of these things, it’s hard to come up with something new for each year. I just didn’t have much to give. John mostly wrote this whole thing and I just helped here and there and added some formatting and some team sponsors. Thank you, John. Your contributions do not go unnoticed. Let’s look at some stats before we get started.

Past Winners:

2017: Darius Rowan (9–4)

2016: Brett Cline (9–4)

2015: Cody Ledlow (6–7)

2014: Jake Donnelly (6–7)

2013: John Stitts (10–4)

2012: Nick Zalewski (9–4–1)

Darius finally took home the title after 5 agonizing years. Our only collective goal as a league should be to make sure that this never happens again. We have Curt and Fred in this league, however, so Darius will probably continue to mine their rosters for gold. What a shame.

All time records, updated:

John Stitts: (54–26)

Darius Rowan: (49–30–1)

Beans Baldwin: (47–32–1)

Brett Cline: (43–37)

Bird Freeman: (42–37–1)

Jacob Donnelly: (39–40–1)

Matt Parnell: (37–42–1)

Chimdi Asonye: (36–43–1) — (26–25–1 since taking over in 2014)

Curt Raffle: (35–44–1) — (9–30 since taking over in 2015) (lolololololol)

Jimmy Bacher: (34–46) — (20–32 since taking over in 2014)

Cody Ledlow: (32–48)

Andrew Pringle: (28–52)

Yeah, this seems about right. Beans having 47 wins and no championship is pretty funny. We had a couple guys slide down a spot since last year, and I moved up two spots with a 9–4 year. Otherwise, Not a whole lot of movement on this list. Everyone below Jake should be embarrassed.


Team Curt aka Young Renzel aka Kurt aka Verne aka SoftBoi WeakBoi

Sponsored by: UPMC Hospitals

2017 record: 1–12

Notable additions: Nyheim Hines, the return of his 2019 1st round pick (from Pringle), Golden Tate, Gio Bernard, James Washington, Austin Hooper, crutches, a limp, severely wounded confidence

Notable losses: Baker Mayfield via trade, Tarik Cohen, Demarco Murray to a very timely retirement, unlimited free time after neglecting GNC stores to construct terrible trades, thread entertainment because of the race that never happened, a working calf muscle, ego

Key information & training camp rumblings: Team members have spoken privately about being unsure of what effect the passing of idol Verne Troyer will have on their owner’s morale.

Prediction: Curt goes 1–12 and is a walking disaster once again.

Team Chimdi

Sponsored by: Pjur Backdoor Anal Lube (for sliding down on the Eagles)

2017 Record: 5–8

Notable additions: DJ Moore, Jordan Wilkins, Kallen Ballage, Aaron Rodgers (return from injury), Lamar Jackson

Notable losses:Matt Ryan (traded to John), Alshon Jeffery (traded for pick that became DJ Moore)

Key information & training camp rumblings: Identity still uncertain amongst players. Have never seen their owner in person.

Prediction: The return of Aaron Rodgers provides a strong boost and leads Chimdi back to the playoffs.

Team Jimmy

Sponsored by: Hertz

2017 Record: 6–7

Notable additions: Rashaad Penny, Antonio Callaway, Marlon Mack, Cole Beasley(I guess?!), HOF membership to Team Dad Bod

Notable losses: Jermaine Kearse (will need a new team name) & the ability to negotiate pick swaps

Key information & training camp rumblings: Will Jimmy’s recent fame with the Struggle Bus twitter account affect his ability to manage his team? Only time will tell.

Prediction: 3–10. Bad.

Team Parnell

Sponsored by: moviepass

2017 Record: 6–7

Notable additions: Rob Gronkowski, Anthony Miller, status as a BB member, Dallas Goedert, David Johnson/Carson Wentz/Deshaun Watson return from injury

Notable losses: Aaron Jones to the pots, Jordy Nelson to oblivion, Michael Thomas as soon as he accepts the trade to Team Stitts

Key information & training camp rumblings: Still owes Stitts a chipotle burrito as part of a 2015 draft pick trade.

Prediction: 8–5, playoffs.

Team Pringle

Sponsored by: Swisher Sweets

2017 Record: 6–7

Notable additions: Sony Michel, Nick Chubb, Christian Kirk, Josh Rosen, Josh Allen, Keenan Allen, Duke Johnson Jr., some sort of pick swap that no one really understands with Jimmy, Leggy Blount, Baker Mayfield

Notable losses: Tyreek Hill, Golden Tate, 2018 pick 1.03 (Derrius Guice)

Key information & training camp rumblings: After Pringle once threatened to leave the league on account of emotional distress, his players are unsure if his mental state is strong enough to lead this squad to the playoffs.

Prediction: Pringle is one trade away. Or maybe a year away. Who knows. 6–7, misses the playoffs again.

Team Cody

Sponsored by: black garbage bags

2017 Record: 6–7

Notable additions: Ronald Jones, Dante Pettis, Calvin Ridley, Kevin White, Antonio Gates

Notable losses: Ronald Jones as a fantasy asset, Marquise Lee to IR, Paxton Lynch’s NFL career

Key information & training camp rumblings: Take a look at those notable additions and let me know if they’re actually notable. They aren’t and the players know it. They’re concerned.

Prediction: 4–9

Team Jake

Sponsored by: Highland Hills Psychiatric Hospital in Northeast Ohio

2017 Record: 7–6

Notable additions: Royce Freeman, social media manager, Courtland Sutton, DJ Chark

Notable losses: Rob Gronkowski, any ability to know what’s going on, Julian Edelmean to PED’s, time for bathroom breaks, Jameis Winston to a suspension for groping of uber drivers, Zach Miller to a mangled knee

Key information & training camp rumblings: Players haven’t seen Jake at training camp and are unsure if Jake is even aware that he still owns this team. They’re leader-less.

Prediction: 0–13. If Jake sees this, it’s a miracle.

Team John

Sponsored by: White Claw

2017 Record: 8–5

Notable additions: Deandre Hopkins, Saquon Barkley, Matt Ryan

Notable losses: Alfred Morris (dropped for nothing in the offseason), Andrew Luck, Leopard Fournette, Devin Funchess

Key information & training camp rumblings: Players are concerned about John’s recent ability to get lost in the sauce way too often. Last Saturday puke sesh on the Claws has players thinking that this sponsorship was for personal gain only. Is there unrest brewing?

Prediction: Championship. Sigh.

Team Freeman

Sponsored by: Who cares, he won’t see it.

2017 Record: Who cares, does he even know?

Notable additions: Who cares, he doesn’t.

Notable losses: Does it matter?

Key information & training camp rumblings: Nah.

Prediction: Playoffs. Maybe we should all be so distant with our fantasy squads. Might have better results.

Team Fred

Sponsored by: Natural Light

2017 Record: 8–5

Notable additions: Terrelle Pryor, Devin Funchess, premium membership to team dad bod, Andrew Luck, Andrew Luck’s baby arm, Leopard Fournette, Kerryon Johnson, Michael Gallup

Notable losses: Rashard Higgins, Demarco Murray, Deandre Hopkins, rights to Daris 2019 1st

Key information & training camp rumblings: Unsure if he actually believes Austin Ekeler is better than Melting Gordon. Unsure if anyone has ever acquired more draft picks than Fred. Unsure if Fred knows what he’s doing.

Prediction: 6–7, misses playoffs.

Team Brett

Sponsored by: Yum Yum Sauce

2017 Record: 9–4

Notable additions: Culinary abilities, Tarik Cohen, Cooper Kupp, Allen Robinson back from ACL injury

Notable losses: Lamar Jackson (traded), the 2017 championship to Daris, Jerick McKinnon to IR, a significant amount of hair, Austin Hooper

Key information & training camp rumblings: Unsure if burgeoning friendship/love affair with known idiot Curt aka Young Renzel will have an effect on in-season decision making. If his mind for trades rubs off on me, I’m in trouble.

Prediction: 9–4, championship game.

Team Darius

Sponsored by: The Milwaukee Bucks

2017 Record: 9–4

Notable additions: Odell Beckham return from injury, Platinum status on bumble, Tyreek Hill, Milwaukee PL’s, Derrius Guice

Notable losses: Leveon Bell, Derrius Guice’s ACL, Keenan Allen, likely his wallet, Terrelle Pryor

Key information & training camp rumblings: Will Darius be able to afford league dues after the 3,000,000th repair on the Audi? When will his child support payments finally come to fruition? Is Darius actually just running away to Milwaukee to get away from his problems? Only time will tell.

Prediction: Playoffs, but no championship. He’ll lose to Fred.

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