Please Use Birthday Wishes Responsibly

Think Before You Blow

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A few days ago, I went to my younger brother’s birthday party. The whole family was there to witness him yet again blow out the candles on the cake our mother lovingly baked for him. You’re probably imagining my younger brother as a little kid brimming with excitement at the prospect of getting a bunch of presents and eating cake. My younger brother is a full grown man and the only thing he gets for his birthday is money from our parents transferred to his PayPal account that he then uses to buy them Christmas gifts. After we sang the song and the candles were blown out, I searched for a piece of cake without too much of my brother’s saliva on it. Like I said, he’s a full grown man, so there were a lot of candles and he’s a wet, enthusiastic blower.

While we were all standing around eating our somewhat damp cake, I sidled up to my younger brother and said something nice like, “On this special day may all your wishes come true.” I assumed he’d wished for normal things like finding a hot girlfriend, winning the lottery or lasting happiness for him and our family. Instead this prick got greedy and had the audacity to wish for more wishes. It was a complete dick move, but since the deed was done I said, “Since you made the dick move of wishing for more wishes, the least you could do is save a couple of those extra wishes for me. You wouldn’t even miss those couple of extra wishes because you’ll have like an unlimited amount of wishes.” I then added, “And I promise I won’t wish for more wishes (like some assholes do).”

I know it’s the most obvious choice, but I’d wish for the ability to fly so I wouldn’t have to drive to work anymore. There’s always so much traffic and I always seem to get stuck behind some bastard pickup truck with its tailpipe held together with duct tape and have to breathe in its filthy exhaust. Flying to work would be a hell of a lot faster, which means I could sleep in for an extra forty to fifty minutes each morning and that would be very nice. But I’d have to be very careful not to let anyone see me flying to work because people would be all like, “Hey, how come that dude can fly? Is he some kind of superhero or something?”

Then the government would somehow track me down and ask me to fight bad guys and solve crimes and shit like that. It would be a real hassle because most of that crime-fighting action happens late at night and I would still have to get up in the morning and go to work. Then those forty to fifty minutes of extra sleep wouldn’t even matter anymore. Eventually I’d start getting sleep deprived because of all the late night crime-fighting and be tired all the time and wouldn’t be able to concentrate at work.

My manager is kind of an asshole and really insecure, so he loves it when I screw up. Chewing me out over my mistakes makes him feel good about himself because he secretly knows I would be a better manager and I’m also taller than him. But at a certain point he’d find me asleep at my desk and use it as the final straw to fire me and eliminate the perceived threat to his power over our department. Then I’d have to waste my second wish to wish for a new job. I know with my work experience I could probably find a job on my own, but in this uncertain economy there’s no guarantee. Plus I couldn’t go too long without medical insurance; crime-fighting is dangerous and I’d have a lot of long-term health issues to deal with.

Since I couldn’t afford to lose my new wished-for job, I’d have to pretend I’d lost the ability to fly so the government would stop asking me to do all their dirty work for them. Then they would ask for their crime-fighting suit back. Chances are it sustained a lot of damage fighting all those bad guys, so their stupid costume would be all messed up when I returned it. They’d then say that I’ve damaged government property and would make me pay a huge fine. Of course I wouldn’t have the money to pay the fine, so I’d have to put it on one of my credit cards and spend years paying it off. That’s the thanks I’d get for helping our government fight bad guys.

Besides being out all that money, I’d have to start driving to work again to keep up the ruse that I couldn’t fly anymore. My new wished-for job wouldn’t be any closer to my apartment than my previous job because I’d forgotten to add that stipulation when making my second wish. Being stuck in traffic everyday even though you have the ability to fly would be terrible. On top of that I’d have those long-term health problems to deal with from fighting all that crime and who knows if my new medical insurance would cover crime-fighting related injury physiotherapy.

“You know what bro? You can keep your goddamn wishes, I was better off with them.”

Written by

A writer who only exists in the imagination of a contract manager for a faceless conglomerate.

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