6 Tips to Giving Feedback…
…without Pissing People Off.
We’ve all experienced the dread of giving someone feedback, or been bludgeoned by it poorly delivered.
I am a true believer feedback is among the most valuable gifts you can give someone; whether it is as a manager to a team member, a friend to another friend or a parent to a child. But this precious ‘gift’ is often unwrapped and lobbed across the table (excuse the rubbish metaphor).
I can offer 6 quick tips to deliver feedback and not piss people off.
#1: Land the Plane
Ever been stuck on a plane coming into Heathrow doing laps because some idiot with a drone had nothing better to do? Annoying, isn’t it! Feedback is no different.
If we feel bad or awkward about giving feedback, we try to ‘soften the blow’ by discussing their weekend in strenuous detail for half an hour before we get to the point. Ultimately, from the minute you asked to ‘have a word’ their emotions have been bubbling under the surface as they wait for the inevitable blow.
This is only making it easier for one person: you. And I would even challenge that, because the more emotion there is, the more likely you are to get an emotional response like waterworks or flying staplers.
Be straight, be honest, be fair and don’t fly around the houses — land the plane!
#2: Own It!
Ever started feedback with: “it’s been brought to my attention…”?
Yes? Well, don’t ever do it again!
If the feedback you’re giving isn’t 100% your own opinion, belief or observation, you are immediately undermining yourself. That conversation will end in one of two ways: either the person will deny all allegations and you have to pick a side or the person will fess up but completely lose trust in you and the person they suspect grassed them up.
So, what should I do? Good question!
There are only a few situations where you can’t afford the time and effort to make the observation yourself. Been told the person turns up late most mornings? Get in early to observe it yourself. Been told their presentation style lacks enthusiasm? Sit in on one and make up your own mind.
Then, when you go to give the feedback, make it clear it is your opinion or observation, not fact. For example, ‘I noticed’, ‘I think’, ‘I feel’.
It is a lot harder to argue with and it sends a clear message it’s up for discussion.
If it is one of the rare and genuine cases you have to give feedback second-hand. Remember there are approximately 54 sides to every story. So be honest and say ‘I know I only have part of the information so wanted to hear your side’. It should go some way to keep yourself neutral.
#3: Everything before ‘but’ is bullsh*t, and everything before ‘however’ is horsesh*t
I challenge you to remove these words from your vocabulary. Not just when giving feedback — at all times. If people become accustomed to you saying ‘but’, they will wait for it and ignore everything you say beforehand (like Simon Cowell).
But…what can I do instead?
Simple: replace it with ‘and’ or a full-stop. The word ‘and’ suggests something extra and already you’re off to a better start. For example:
Your presentation was great but I have a few notes on the delivery
VS
Your presentation was great and I have a few notes on the delivery.
One fills them with dread, the other suggests an opportunity.
Oh, and ‘however’ is just a posh ‘but’.
#4: Throw away the ‘Sh*t Sandwich’
One of the first things I ever learned on feedback was to ‘keep it balanced, start positive and end positive’ (and hide everything else in the middle). I quickly learned, in practice, this was the worst advice I had ever been given.
Again, this is only for the benefit of the person giving the feedback. The person receiving it will either be so oblivious, they’ll ignore the feedback in the middle and still leave the room thinking their a total legend or they’ll see right through your manager-for-dummies approach and be pissed off you weren’t upfront about it.
In my opinion, formal performance conversations such as Performance Appraisals should be the only time the good and bad are combined. Otherwise, keep it balanced and keep it separate. If you have feedback for someone you owe it to them to give it straight and give due focus to it so they can work on it. Not talk in riddles and hope they get the hint.
#5: Forget Feedback, give FEEC-back
An approach which has helped me plan for and deliver feedback (especially constructive) is F.E.E.C:
Feeling: Remember it is your feedback you are giving to someone else as a gift. Start it with something like; ‘I feel’, ‘I think’, ‘I noticed’, ‘I believe’, ‘I observed’. Avoid starting it with an allegation like ‘You are…’.
Example: Make sure you have an example (or two, or three). Offering real examples to support the feedback you’re giving make it harder to argue with if it is constructive and more motivating if it is positive.
(At this stage it is good to make space for discussion. Ask questions and understand their thoughts on the situation. They may offer the answer without you having to).
Effect: Make it clear why you are giving feedback. If they’ve done something wrong, what impact did that have? If they’re doing something right, what value did it add?
Change: Finish with the future in mind. What do you need to change going forward? What can they work on to take it to the next level?
#6: Do it for the right reasons
My last tip is one I hope you remember well. If the feedback you’re giving is coming from a good place (E.g. you want your team to develop) then you have very little to worry about.
Even if you completely c**k up the delivery; if the person can tell you mean well, they will forgive an awful lot.
