Dear Valentine…

Do you believe in fate?
What about soul mates?
Forever love?
Meant to be?
Do you believe that sometimes it takes making all the wrong decisions so you can learn to make the right ones?
That sometimes doors close to lead to one that’s been open all along?
That everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes years to figure out what that reason was?

I believe in all those things and I believe all of them held you as my answer.

Some days I curse the universe for making it take so long for me to find you but in the same breath know that I needed to become the person I am today to be what you need.

If I could do one thing differently in my whole life I would hope I could find you sooner just so I could have longer to love you for.

I’ve never been great with my feelings and I tend to feel things strongly and uninhibited. With you, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of what that means. Your smile crumbled any impenetrable walls I had built for so long it’s as if you were a wrecking ball made from the strongest materials on earth. You’ve shattered any long felt thoughts I had about what it could be like to love someone with all of you.

You make me question things each and everyday. You’re hard headed and have no filter when you speak. You run and hide when things get really tough and you roll into yourself because you’re so used to no one else being there. You’re independent and selfish and you make it so god damned hard to be there for you sometimes. You have no problem saying exactly what comes to your mind every second of the day but refuse to let me in when things are utterly hectic. It can take you weeks to explode after letting little things pile up and turn into a snow ball effect. Some days I swear you try with everything you have to push me away and then come back telling me you love me but won’t admit that it’s because I stayed. You have the kindest heart I’ve ever met and are a phenomenal father each and everyday. You’re scared that this isn’t real and one day I’m going to decide you’re not what I want and you still don’t trust that I will choose you everyday for the rest of my damn life. You’re just as bad at expressing things sometimes as I am but you give me shit on a constant basis as if you’re the best at it in the world. You’re a homebody and a family man. You act like you’re 12 and make me laugh like I’m a teenage girl multiple times a day. You watch me all the time, you say you want to see every facial expression and never want to miss a chance to look at me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hear someone say that to you? You know what you want in some ways and are open to whatever happens in others. I can’t imagine the argument it will be when we have to finally decide on living arrangements and financial decisions based on the two of us because we are both fiercely independent but then again I know that once the initial shock is over we will both compromise and make decisions together seamlessly. You are afraid to get too close too fast and I understand that more than you can ever imagine. You’re old fashioned and will never understand that I believe my tattoos and piercings are art and an expression of myself but in the same moment love that I have them because I love them. I’ve known about every relationship, hardship, friendship, desire, eating habit, worry, and doubt you’ve had for over 5 years. You’ve been the friend I run to for life advice, boy advice, and to get me out of the box in my thinking and my taste in food. You challenge me. You drive me crazy. You have a laugh that’s infectious and contrary to your hard shelled demeanor you love to cuddle and be loved. Sometimes I think we are so similar it would never work and then on some points we are so far off from each other I know we will never agree. We fight like an old married couple and keep each other on our toes. You know how to get me out of my own head and you know when I need to stay in it for just a minute longer. You open the door and get irritated when I don’t let you. You pay and roll your eyes the few times I steal the tab. You are stuck in your ways and never going to change a single one that matters to you and more than anything I’m proud of the fact that you know exactly who you are and what you have to offer and have a take it or leave it attitude. You make me decide and have my own opinions out loud. I love you and want to shake you all in the same moment sometimes. You make an effort with my children, you don’t force anything, you don’t ask anything of them, and you know if they ever vetoed the idea of you no matter how I felt you’d be out on your ass quicker then you could get out a word. You make life simple and complicated. You make my world brighter even on the gloomiest of days. You listen. You ask questions. You remember and you pay attention. You are my happy ending.

I could write you 100 love letters and probably still never get out all the things I want to say to you.

You are my beginning and my end, you are the love of my life, my breath of fresh air, and if I’d never met you I wouldn’t be the woman standing in front of you today.