In how you have come is the secret to how you must go.
In becoming whole, I had to find a way to live peacefully with my past. Since returning home, I inadvertently made a commitment to fully face the past. As it began to snow, the other night, I was walking over to a friends house, as the wind was whipping the snow in my face, I noticed I was learning into the “storm.” As I righted my posture to walk more erect, I found myself time and again leaning in. It brought back memories of being a teenager playing basketball in the snow — crazy huh? It was a way of coping — of getting out of the chaos and madness — the crisp air literally cooling my soul.
In the morning contemplation for November 19 in Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” he speaks to “making our way back into the light is only possible if we retrace with kindness and love our dark way in.” He continues, “This is how after years of feeling mistreated, i can find myself mistreating others and, suddenly, I feel humbled. This is how in giving myself away to be loved, I finally, after years, arrive at the dark loveless center of that way, and the only way out is to follow the small thread of accepting who Iam until it leads me back to where I began, except this time I weep to know my place in the world.”
It took years of diligence and persistence to “find my place in the world.” Having now “arrived” I find myself once again being lead by a small thread of willingness and acceptance. My desire has been to be the best human be-ing that I can be — moment by moment — day by day. On this journey to fulfill such a crazy goal, I have found that willingness, crazy honesty and open-mindedness have been the requirements for consistent growth — these three companions have provided me with guidance in the darkest of times — when I knew I was going to “lose it” and act against my best interest and harm you or me.
In the early years, I would not have believed it was possible, however, I believed that you believed it and so I was willing to trust you and your wisdom because I saw in your eyes, I felt it in your spirit that you believed and your way of living with grace, serenity, a sense of peace and joy — was something I wanted for me.
So I continue to follow that thin thread — trusting in my experience, trusting in your experience that “I got this”. This journey has had many lessons that I would have believed would be too painful to walk through and yet as I sit on the “other side” of many of those experiences I have the strength, the hope, and the trust to know it has all been worth the work.
I feel deeply grateful to live a life that I couldn’t even begin to dream of only a year ago, much less 30 years ago. Years ago, my anger drove me, it was the life force that kept me going and i could not concieve of being driven by love, that seemed weak and ridiculous. Today, I can’t imagine being driven by anything else — the anger from the past — exhausts me today, drains me of my ability to be openminded and see the solutions in front of me, anger prevents me from sinking into my soul and being deeply honest and the anger provides me with excuses and justification for a lack of willingness. So I choose love — loving me, loving you and being willing to be loved by me and you.
So keep on keepin’ on. Don’t give up on living in your most precious loving nature. In my experience it is the only place to find the grace, serenity, joy, happiness and freedom our souls are seeking.