So now what? To live or die.

Bukka Levy
Jul 20, 2017 · 3 min read

I just got home from my friend’s memorial service. He was older than me, about six years, and was more like a mentor. At least the closest I’ve ever had to one.

He died from bone cancer. He had lived with the terminal diagnosis for a little over a year. The obvious benefit to this was he knew he needed to do all his ‘living’ now, and got to plan how he would leave things. He even planned his service.

I learned many things about him at this memorial from the people he asked to speak. I learned he had many real friends. True lifelong friends. I learned he did an incredible job parenting. I learned the way I knew him, the way I’d always seen him, was the way he always was. I learned these among many other things.

I’m afraid of dying without first becoming the person I wish I were and doing the things I wish I could. The most important thing I learned is that that you cannot wait to become that person or do those things because you don’t know when you’re going to die.

I had been talking to him about 18 months ago about selling his house. He was getting ready to retire in about 6 months and was thinking about moving to the mountains. He soon after this talk received the news about his illness. It would be a battle for him to reach retirement so his wife could receive his full benefit, much less enjoy any sort of retirement. When I talked to him after his diagnosis, as well as from what I’ve gathered from his closest friends, his one and only regret was having worked so hard, constantly and endlessly, to provide for his family and one day enjoy life in retirement with his wife.

He was six years older than me. Right about the age I am planning to retire*.

*note: ‘retire’ to me means only doing the work I love for the rest of my life.

That’s a heavy thought. One I’ve feared in the back of my mind all my life. The lesson seems obvious — do only what you love for tomorrow may not come. This solution is not so easy for someone with big dreams and goals that require more money than one earns doing what they love. It is also not easy for someone who fears not always being able to do what they love, or any payable skill for that matter, should they reach an old age.

So it seems the option is to take a risk one way or the other. Risk doing what you love will pay off and sustain you for your lifetime, or risk doing what you can to provide for yourself if you’re fortunate enough to live longer than you anticipate having to work. The former is a choice best left to the young I think. I am not young — at least not by current lifespans.

What will I do? Neither and both. I think do a little more of what I love, and a little less of what sucks every day. That’s what I’m comfortable with given the responsibilities I currently have. Not my ideal route, but the odds are closest to what I can live with.

I should mention what sucks in my life is not only very little, but the suck level is not all that high. If it were more in either side I would have less trouble dropping the suck all together. But that’s the rub. The devil knows exactly how much will keep you tied in knots and suffering without pushing you hard enough to believe you have to get out.

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Bukka Levy

Written by

Dad, Entrepreneur, Rock Star, Realtor, Social, Media, Experimenter, revolutionizing servanthood.

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