The (vulnerable) Closure

Dear C,

after Sunday’s incident I was pretty disturbed and booked a session with my therapist for today just to discuss 'us' for one last time.

I have never walked out of that room happier than I did today.

So here I am, to clear a few things out to you; things I took back from today's session. Think about them in depth if you wish to reply to this mail.

1. I meant all of the things I said to you the night I was drunk. I felt like a huge baggage had been lifted off my shoulders when I woke up the next morning. Even today, I have nothing more to add to those words for I served my heart out to you on a platter that night.

2. I understand why me having sex with Y after I had the above mentioned conversation with you bothered you.
But you need to understand that I didn’t say all of those things as your ex-girlfriend who wanted you back. I said them because you matter to me in all the beautiful ways in which someone could matter to me. And I wanted to let you know that. It’s good to let someone know how you feel about them while you still can.

I understand we were in a relationship in the past but today we aren't. We have no sense of entitlement towards each other. What happens between you and Z is none of my business. And what happens between me and A is outside your area of interference.

We are not going to date each other,again. Thus, we don’t have the right to construct such boundaries around one another. It’s time we had the right expectations out of each other. It will help us not get hurt in the future.

3.You have honestly been going through a turmoil when it comes to us, lately. I understand all of it for I have been there. Stuck inside the whirlpool. 
Sometimes, you hate me and everything to do with me. Sometimes, you love me. Sometimes, you hate that you love me.
I empathise completely. 
And that is why I am going to be by your side through all of it, till it starts messing up with me (which it is not right now). If I suffer and stay with you, none of us is going to be of help to each other. So I might step back for a while, get myself together and be there for you again.

4.We have mostly avoided giving ourselves a name. That’s because human relationships are complicated. But it’s time I did name what you are to me,now.
A friend whom I love and care about. There. 
Calling you an acquaintance is undermining all that we had. Calling you a best friend is unacceptable because we don’t stay in touch so much now. Maybe I will have a better name for you in the future but for now this is it.

5.I do not blame you in any possible way for not being vocal about us. What I raised that night was hurt; hurt I could reason and not throw at you as a blame. 
We discussed this aspect when we were dating so can’t hold you responsible now. It was my fault that I did not understand this need of mine. I will take care of it in the future when I enter into a relationship with someone.

6.A lot of people have asked us about what went wrong. I make sure that I tell the truth but at the same time I don’t paint a picture that turns your relationship with them ugly or affects it in any manner. I expect the same from you.

7.I am going to go with the flow in our case. Controlling things has never really worked. Going with the flow has. You want to take a decision regarding us. Sure go ahead. Just think it through and let me know. I shall respect and honour it.

8.If we want to continue this from here, let’s get to know each other more and not keep reflecting on the past for there is no end to it

Each day I realise how I never asked youabout what inspired you or what your childhood was like or what it is to be C. I want to 'know' you in a more humanly way. All the little things.

Also, talking of the past,I have saved our entire chats (till now) in my Drive and will open it on a day when I cannot control the urge to read through it anymore.

9.I am not a victim anymore when it comes to us. I am vulnerable. The difference is that in the latter I acknowledge that you affect me and am willing to take charge of my feelings. As the former I would run to you for help or a thrashing. I am vulnerable with you, C. And I am proud of it.

10.In the end, I do not wish to paint us in a negative colour of hate, pain, anguish, disappointment or anger for at the end of the day I am the one who has to carry the painting around.
So today after the session ended, on my way back, I decided to pick up the brushes and paint you in yellow and orange and turquoise. All my chirpy colours. 
I am going to remember and treasure you with all the happy memories we made. We were a delicate play of strings that played a tune I will always hum on my long walks.
You will always matter to me. You will always be important for me.

11. Thank you for all the love and all the fights. I became a better person because of everything you gave me irrespective of it being good or bad. I might not have realised this before but now I do see how the suffering has carved more space inside of me for happiness. So thank you so much for everything.

This message was an attempt to clear all that I wished to clear. 
I love you.

Nandita.

(21st September, 2016)

(Illustration by Matt Bailey)