Baby Clown is New In Town
The Curious Case of John Mulaney
neoteny: (n) the persistence of larval or fetal features in the adult form of an animal.
After 28 years of sitting in a room alone eating saltine crackers, a lanky vaguely Asian-American man-child emerges to crack jokes in a voice that belongs in the 1950's. John Mulaney, an Emmy award winning stand-up comic who mainly worked in writing for comedy shows such as Saturday Night Live and now has his own sitcom television show, grabbed the spotlight with a flourish in his 2012 stand-up special New In Town. The special is comprised of personal anecdotes, most of which are self-deprecating, that are delivered with a confident smirk on his shiny baby face. He’s expressive, he’s witty, and he hardly acts his age.
Neoteny is an evolutionary phenomenon in which an adult displays traits typically characteristic of children. While usually the term refers to the retention of physical traits, John Mulaney implements a sort of psychological neoteny by maintaining a child-like state of mind while living an adult life. He easily pulls it off thanks to his 8-year-old like face and effetimate appearance and personality. Often when a brain is neotenized, the subject appears more feminine with wider hips, a larger brain, and a tendency to live in the city rather than the countryside.
In general, scientists and researchers use Neanderthals as a point of reference for humankind’s neoteny over time. For the past few thousand years, humans have been moving towards flatter faces and maintaining characteristics that were previously exclusively found in children. As the physical neoteny of man progresses, our generation has also begun to display signs of a psychological neoteny. Adults are becoming increasingly curious, playful, and social. It’s likely that the physical and psychological traits are linked. A recent cross-cultural study revealed that men found more neotenized faces more attractive and non-neotenzied faces to be unattractive. This would explain the rapid neotenization of humans, as more neotenized females would be selected to reproduce.
It’s strange that in humans, the males are more concerned with the female’s sexual attractiveness than a female is with the male’s. Typically in nature, it is the female that is concerned with the male’s sexual attractiveness. That’s why in most species the males have some sort of bragging piece, whether it be colorful feathers or the largest horn. However, in humans there is no such outstanding bragging piece. Most all humans have nearly identical body structures with a few exceptions. It has been theorized that extended lifespans caused this anomaly, due to the fact that women now outlive their fertility which, from a reproductive perspective, would then cause men to seek out younger women who can still pass down their genes. Men remain fertile for nearly their entire lives so from an entirely scientific stand-point this would explain both why men are selective of women and why youthful features are so attractive.
Studies have found that Asians are more neotenized than any other race or ethnicity and that women of any race are typically more neotenized than males. Mulaney mentions that when he was child, more specifically between the ages of three and eight, he was often mistaken for being an Asian-American child. His entire family is Irish, but his narrow eyes and black bowl cut were enough evidence for his schoolyard bullies. In middle school, his classmates would bow to him at the sound of a gong, which he found offensive yet impressive. The oddity of a young white boy being teased for being Asian may have resulted from an unconscious notice of the neotinization of Mulaney’s skull or facial structure that would imply Mongloid descent.
John Mulaney grew up in Chicago and moved to New York after college. In an interview, Mulaney says that the comedy scene in the Big Apple was “really good” and that it was “easy to get started.” He left for New York without putting much thought into it; he saw his friends Nick Kroll and Mike Birbiglia had their stand-up careers there and thought that if he went there and did some open mic he could get his own career off the ground. He mentions a restaurant that kept the back reserved for open mic and says that there are many places like that in New York. Zach Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan got their start in places like that, and Mulaney did a few open mic sessions and often shared the microphone with comedians such as A.D. Miles and Chelsea Peretti.
Some time later, by simply being in New York and frequently going to the Upright Citizen’s Brigade theater, he was able to get the attention of Saturday Night Live and eventually becoming a valuable writer on the show. He and his friend Bill Hader created the incredibly popular character Stefon (whom Hader plays). He appeared on camera twice on a segment called “Weekend Update” where he was well-received by the viewers. There was rumor and speculation about John Mulaney taking over “Weekend Update” after Seth Meyers left SNL, but Mulaney says that “if it was going to happen, it would have.”
Recently, FOX produced a semi-autobiographical sitcom based on Mulaney’s stand-up and life experiences titled simply Mulaney. Unfortunately for many of his fans, the show was a large flop. It was widely criticized for being a Seinfeld knock-off. John admits that Seinfeld is his idol in a way and the show’s structure was supposed to serve as an homage to the 90's legend. However, its lack of success may also come from the lack of charm that his stand-up possesses. If he was able to maintain the same level of humor there would be no reason for it to do so poorly.
The sitcom’s main flaw is the absence of chemistry between the cast. Watching Mulaney interact and work in a truly adult setting and the elimination of much of the youthful quirks in his persona takes away from the charm that made the special so successful. In interviews, he is able to remain professional and maintain his charm by utilizing his expressiveness and turn of phrase to compensate the loss of some of his playfulness.
Many of Mulaney’s jokes involve stories from his youth, something he accredits to the fact that that was the “last time [he] was interesting” and that lately he’s “like an elderly man in the 1940's.” Several of the anecdotes are about his alcoholism that persisted for a decade. From the ripe age of 13 until he was 23, Mulaney would black out drinking on a frequent basis. It’s remarkable how much of a journey he had with partying and wild rides considering he quit drinking altogether only two years after he was legally able to consume alcohol.
Mulaney opens his stand-up special with an immediate jab at how little his appearance has changed since he was a child. He describes himself to look as though someone took “[his] kindergarten photo and yellow[ed] the teeth and put bags under the eyes.” It’s true that his smooth skin, twinkling eyes, fanned out ears, and broad hairless face all contribute to his appealing boyishness, but his sharp wit was honed with a long experience with comedy.
[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan]
(singing) ♬ New in town,
[John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers]
♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town…
[John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt]
♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt,
[John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers]
♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!
[Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”]
♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends!
[A black man carrying a small Asian man walk into the shot. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH “POUNDCAKE” WALKER & MICHAEL ITZOFF”]
[John exasperatedly rolls his eyes, puffs his cheeks, and lowers his arms in front of him]
♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town!
[Pans in to a New York apartment building]
(low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[Fades into the actual stage and the crowd is cheering while upbeat music plays]
[John walks on stage with a cartoonish grin and picks up his microphone with a flourish]
Hi! Hi! Hello!
[crowd continues to cheer]
Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.
[cheering fades away]
Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.
[light audience laughter]
I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”
You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]
[audience laughs]
I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[audience laughter]
Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]
I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]
[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]
[audience laughs]
I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jesse James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”
[audience laughs and John nods curtly]
That’s pure mom.
[a little more audience laughter]
My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.
[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”
[audience laughs]
But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]
He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”
My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs]
My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true.
I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris”
[turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side]
Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.
[audience laughter]
My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.
[return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13.
[audience laughs as John wears a confused expression]
So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.
13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.
[audience laughter]
Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”
[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.
[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]
I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]
It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.
[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”
[light audience laughter]
Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?
[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!!”
[audience laughs and applauds]
[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]
That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.
[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]
[light audience laughter]
But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.
On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.
Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.
[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]
Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.
13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.
[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”
And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]
[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]
When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]
I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”
[John straightens up and audience laughs]
[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”
[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!
[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]
Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”
I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]
I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency whilc shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]
The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]
It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.
I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”
[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]
[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramtic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]
So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?
I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]
Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases.
I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”
[looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs]
And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?”
[nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?”
[makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one.
I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] Fucking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.”
I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs]
A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30's. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause]
[John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment]
[looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant.
Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do apprecaite you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.
Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]
People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]
I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]
[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]
Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]
Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.
Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.
After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]
[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]
[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]
I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]
I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]
I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]
[waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ‘cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs]
I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter]
[suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter]
I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter]
I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs]
Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter]
Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs]
My girlfriend’s a female, and then I had all these friends that are female. So when I started dating her I was like “Oh great, they’ll all get along,” [short pause while he sweeps his hand and scrunches up his face] [skeptical and patronizing tone] No. [audience laughs] [chuckles while speaking]Not even a little at the beginning.
[turns head sharply] [speaks while gently sweeping open palm] I don’t want to make any generalizations about women ‘cause I don’t know shit about women, but this is one thing I’ve noticed in my own personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try [moves hands together] and force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work.
Like, I don’t think — like, you could never put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Like, Ocean’s Eleven with women wouldn’t work ‘cause two would keep breaking off to talk shit about the other nine. [audience laughs] Or not even talk shit, just say weird passive-aggressive things while they break into the casino. Just be like: [pantomimes breaking into a safe while speaking in a high nasally voice] “Ahw, I love how you just wear anything.”
[audience laughs and John chuckles]
My girlfriend’s wonderful though, I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone who’s always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening. [light audience laughter]
Like, we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: [calm intelligent tone] “You ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now,” and I’m like [widens eyes and moves mouth dramatically while speaking in a high abrasive voice] “Yeah, it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: [looks up and speaks calmly but assertively] “The bus driver shouldn’t talk to you that way,” and I’m like: [furrows eyebrows and pumps arms as though getting riled up, speaking in a high abrasive voice] “No, he shouldn’t!”
Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me. I was just like a young Motown singer. I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I was like, [moves hand back and forth as though snapping out a rhythm and speaks while bobbling his head in a slightly higher voice and slight Southern accent] “Oh man, you gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?” [audience laughter]
And now when I’m not with my girlfriend, you can still do anything to me, I can tolerate any treatment. Like, I try to travel alone sometimes, you know and I’ll-I’ll put up with anything. Like, I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know, I don’t wanna name an actual airline, so lets just make one up, let’s call it, like, Delta Airlines. [audience laughs]
So I’ll book a ticket at [moves fingers in air quotes] “Delta Airlines”, and I’ll show up at the airport. And I go, [holds arm out as though handing someone a ticket and speaks in an obnoxious nasally voice] “Can I get on the plane now, please?” And they go, [low, deliberate, slightly nasally voice] “No! It’s been delayed nine hours.” [pretends to spit in someone’s face] and I go [grins stupidly and speaks in a high obnoxious voice] “OKAAAY” [begins walking away from audience a couple steps] and then I go to the bathroom, [turns back towards the audience and takes a couple steps forwards] and then I come out of the bathroom and I go [puts hand on hip, squints, and leans forward slightly while speaking in a high obnoxious voice] “Any updates?” and they go [laughs slightly while speaking in a deliberate manner with a wild smug expression] “Yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom, because we hhhhate you! [raises up arm as though taking out a meal voucher] Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, go, fetch!” [pantomimes tossing the voucher like a frisbee to the side] [audience laughs lightly]
And I go, [walks over to where the imaginary voucher was thrown and bends over to pick it up while speaking in a high nasally voice] “Okaaay,” and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and I go, [moves arm in front of him as though placing the voucher on a counter and speaks in a high nasally voice] “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go, [squints eyes aggressively and leans forward for emphasis while yelling in highly abrasive voice] “NO!” and I go, [mild expression and shrug while speaking high and nasally] “Okaaay,” and they go, [widens eyes and grins maliciously while speaking aggressively] “You’re a little fat girl, aren’t you?” and I go, [closes eyes and turns slightly away, speaking in a playful drawn out tone] “Noooo,” and they go, [snaps forward and yells in sharp abrasive bark] “Say it!” and I go, [closes eyes and turns slightly away speaking in a high nasally voice] “I’m a little fat girl,” [audience laughs]
And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron and I go, [swings arm in front of him as though placing a his hand on a counter, eyes closed and speaking in a high nasally whine] “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go, [spoken while laughing lightly, leaning forward, eyes widened, bouncing slightly while speaking and wearing a large grin] “No! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! [leans forward and shakes head while staring with a wide-eyed maniacal expression] And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” And I go, [leans back slightly and closes eyes, whining in a high nasally voice] “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go, [singing] “Because we’re Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!” [audience laughter]
But with my girlfriend she would just be like, “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights.” [pause, looks side to side and drops arm to his side] So it’s better. [audience applause]
My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is — I did on purpose. [light audience laughter] Uh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like, [jars hand forward as though grabbing someone and exclaims in a gravelly voice] “Aah, I got one!” I mean like I — [audience laughter] I, uh, I am not Jewish, but I’ve always really liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great, because, like, I think a lot of problems that people have in relationships are with communication ‘cause guys don’t know what women are thinking, and with Jewish women you do not have to guess what they are thinking. [audience laughs] They will tell you. Yeah, this is gonna get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. Allow — I’ll get in trouble, you won’t.
I really do mean this though, I — I really admire that Jewish people, [rolls eyes and says patronizingly] in my own personal experience, have — are very, like, upfront with their feelings. You know, they’re very — they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable.
You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people, they don’t tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottle up, you now, like the plan with Irish people is like, [slightly lowers voice and gestures to the middle of his chest] “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die.” [audience laughs] Like, in Ireland it’s like, [gruff manner of speaking] “Ah, your boy, has died,” and it’s like, [lower gruff voice and serious expression] “All right, bury the boy, do it, bury the boy. Buryyy the boyyyyy.” Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. [audience laughs]
I used to date gentile women and — they — [audience laughter] I dated this girl, she’d just stare out the window all day long and I’d be like, [low slurred obnoxious voice] “What’s wrong?” And she’d be like, [looks off to the side and pouts while speaking in a low whine] “You wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” [turns with an annoyed expression and snappy tone] Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? [audience laughs]
My Jewish girlfriend I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and she’s like, [holds arm away from body and leans forward while yelling in an abrasive voice] “My stomach hurts!” [audience laughter] And then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. [begins chopping air in front of him for emphasis] She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a — in a significant other. She’s very present.
Jews don’t daydream, ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? [bounces and looks side to side] [audience laughter] They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay… sharp. They go, [turns sharply and points to the side with an alert expression] “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? Put that down! [stands up straight and turns to the other side and points] What’s that over there? Don’t do that!”
I’m Irish, I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is… not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.
But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking, but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking. The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you.
Like, once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like, I’ll show up at a party, and they’ll be like, [points behind him] “Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge, and oh, hey, [turns around] Mulaney! [looks forward with wide-eyed expression and points behind him] Would you like, like, an old turnip that we found in a cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? [agreeable gravelly voice] I know you don’t drink [winks] Or my girlfriend left a NuvaRing in the fridge, would you want that? [leans forward and furrows eyebrows] Would that be good for you?? [winks] [low gravelly voice] I know you don’t drink!”
Also, if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the best excuse you’ve ever had in your life, which is “I’m really sorry about last night. I was just so drunk.” That is a “get out of jail free” card that you don’t even realize you have until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like, “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like, “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud. [audience laughter] It probably will happen again.”
Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would [airquotes] “ruin parties.” [audience laughs] Or so I’m told. When you do that enough, when you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like, “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones?” And he was like, [raises shoulders and speaks in slightly higher voice with a slight drawl] “I don’t know!” You know, ‘cause how could he keep track of that? [audience laughter]
So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me:
I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an [raises arm and swivels hand as though showcasing something] old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” and apparently I [pantomimes snatching something out of the air] grabbed it, [pantomimes downing a drink] drank all of it, and said, [pantomimes tossing the bottle over his shoulder] “It’s perfume,” [audience laughter] and it was.
Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school…
Uh, we had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an asshole, and one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do if you’re an asshole. [audience laughs] And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. [sarcastically and faintly] Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought, “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”
I walked into this party, everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. [light audience laughter] People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. [more light audience laughter] It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses, we were running wild. [audience laughter]
I walked down — I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. [runs in place for a few steps and then moves forward and pretends to throw his body onto an imaginary table] One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer. [John presses his lips tightly together and the audience laughs]
So the party was going great. [audience laughs] I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you see in movies, and I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like [moves hand in vague talking motion to the side and mumbles out the side of his mouth] “something something police,” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled, [closes eyes and sways a little as though drunk, yelling in an abrasive voice] “FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!”
And everyone else joined in. 100 drunk white children yelling “fuck DA police” with the confidence of guys who, like, have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. You know, like the, [furrows brow into aggressive expression and points downwards aggressively while yelling in an urban accent] “I served my nickel, you come and take me!” confidence, [light audience laughter] but white children. The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. [audience laughs]
So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling “fuck the police” in his face. And he was almost impressed. He was like [shocked breathy whisper] “Wow...” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went, [nonchalant but abrasive voice] “Get the paddy wagon,” and my friend John, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — he grabbed a 40, [pantomimes throwing something on the floor] smashed it on the ground and yelled [leans forward and screams] “SCATTER!!” [audience laughs]
[shifts weight leg to leg and sweeps arm back and forth with weight while looking down and speaking rapidly] And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Rat-tat-touille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now [pumps arms as though running in slow motion] I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought [low slightly slurred voice] “I’ve never climbed a fence that high before,” and then I woke up at home.
[audience laughs]
On Monday, I went to school, because that’s what we did back then. And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me [low husky voice] “Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, [waggles eyebrows] like a liar. [grins mischievously] [audience laughs]
And he said, [low husky voice and concerned expression] “Things really got out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a shit on my dad’s computer. But the worst thing,” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it,” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have… [audience laughs and applauds and John smiles and waits until they finish] “Did… did I do that?”
I figured no, I wouldn’t have done that, but I was never sure… until, two years later — [audience oohs] [John nods curtly] Relax.
I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me, “Hey, come here, I want to show you something,” and he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. [audience laughs] And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. [audience laughter] [terrified whisper] And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said [looks forward with a serious wide-eyed expression] “Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” [John turns towards the audience and shapes his mouth like an O in shock] [audience laughter] That’s the end of that story but how fucked up is that, right? That’s crazy!
So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked over on its side with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle! [audience laughs] But probably not… probably something worse.
And I-I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me, [looks up with an accusatory tone and expression and points firmly at the air] “Oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?”
That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, let’s talk about this… entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw [chuckles] Adolph Hitler [walks in place] just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, ‘cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed as Hitler. I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. I’d murder him and people would run up and be like, [looks down and gestures at the ground in shock] “Whoa! You just killed an old old man!” and I’d be like, [raises shoulders and holds arm away from body with a defensive expression and tone] “He looked like Hitler!” and they’re like, “Yeah, a little…” [audience laughter]
I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he [thrusts arm forward] pushed me like that, he [thrusts arm forward again] pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He [thrusts arm forward] pushed me and he said [sleepy expression and slightly low drawled voice] “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.” [John looks up with confused expression] [audience laughs]
You’re gonna close with “new in town”? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry Maguire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his, like, pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? You know, in the morning just be like, [slightly low, husky, drawled voice] “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do? I’ll walk up and say hello… No, that’s too subtle. I’m gonna [thrusts arm forward and flicks wrist] push him. I’m gonna [repeats motion] push him. And I’m gonna say “I’m new in town — ” no, no, hold back, hold back. Save it. Build to that. How ‘bout I’m gonna walk up to him, I’m gonna [thrusts arm up into air] push him, and go [loud mocking voice] “I HAVE AAAIIIDS!” No that’s too strong… alright. I’ll walk up to him and — and I’ll [thrusts arm forward] push him. I will start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will [moves hand as though sprinkling pepper on something] pepper in the fact that I am gay.”
Which, I know it’s tough for gay youths on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You can’t be like, [holds arm out to the side] “Hey would you help me out? I’m very gay. I’d like a few dollars.” [audience laughs]
I always love how he phrased it, by the way. He didn’t say “I’m living on the street,” he said [bobbles head and smiles flirtatiously while speaking in a low suggestive voice] “I’m new in town,” like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like, [high nasally voice with a New York accent] “There’s no single guys left in Manhattan,” and I’m like, “I know someone who’s new in town.” [high nasally voice with New York accent] “What are 3 other things about him?” [audience laughs and applauds]
Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get very nervous all the time, not even about, like, major life things. Just, like, about in everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is [squats down and exclaims in a high, flowery, almost British accent] “Eh, someone’s in heeere! Someone’s in heeeeere!” So they’re gonna be like, [stands up straight and points with thumb over his shoulder with suspicious expression] “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.” [audience laughing]
I decided to do something about all this anxiety recently, I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but it’s fantastic — [a few stray claps from the audience][John chuckles] Very muted claps for Xanax. [audience laughs] You don’t really get “woo”s, its more like [closes eyes and opens mouth slowly and dramatically while saying in a very slow, low voice] “Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh.” [audience laughs]
I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said “Hey, I did this.” He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor, “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I was like [nods with an interested expression] “Yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shit I’m looking for. I’ll take your advice, [turns to the other side with serious expression and slightly sarcastic tone] friend I’ve never listened to before.”
So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here” sheet. And I wanna pick something that will get me in and out really quickly. And I look down and I see “frequent urination” and I was like, perfect! That’ll be a super quick visit, you know? I’ll just be like “Hey, sometimes I pee a lot” and the doctor will be like [exaggerated expression and gravelly tone] “Me too, crazy right?!” And I’ll be like “I get nervous on airplanes.”
So I checked off “frequent urination” and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and — oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace, and a Batman watch. He was kind of [sways back and forth while pumping his arm in a circular motion with a lot of energy] moving around the whole time, he was just like, [perky, energetic, playful tone] “Alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Let’s do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and he’d throw it over his shoulder and be like, [pantomimes tossing something over his shoulder and shrugs] “Beats workin’.” Like, all of his jokes were anti-work, which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional.
The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says, “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination. How many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11. That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and says, “You’re peeing 11 times a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do,” [audience laughter] Some of you are ahead of me. [audience laughter]
So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was, “Hey, if this visit is to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass.” And I didn’t know what to say, ‘cause I couldn’t be like, [amiable tone and smile] “No, that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know, like a crime!” [audience laughs]
So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, [moves on-stage stool in front of him] walked over to the observation table and I put my hands down on the observation table like this — [places hand on stool and sets legs shoulder width apart] and by the way, part of me was like… whatever, you know? You know those days when you’re like, [low uninterested voice] “This might as well happen? [audience laughs] Adult life is already so goddamn weird.”
So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and goes “ No no no, not on your hands, on your elbows,” and he knocks me down like that [drops down so that he’s leaning on the stool with his elbow] And this is so much worse than this [goes back to hand on stool]. I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? This is sort of like, [aggressive upbeat voice] “Go! Stick it in! I am an American!” [audience laughs] This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like, [pompous and intelligent voice] “Aaaah, we are approaching Martinique!” [audience laughs] [John returns to leaning down on elbow] But he knocked me down to my elbows, and then, [stands up and walks away from the stool, looking down and chuckling nervously while speaking] he stuck his hand in.
Aaand, you know how sometimes you’re like, [low confident voice] “I bet I know what most things feel like,” you know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know… what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, [returns to stool and places both elbows on stool and leans forward] I went, [hollows cheeks and leans forward into microphone while letting out a long, high, whiny moan] “Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
[stands up sharply and walks towards audience] But I didn’t say it, like, it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. [audience laughs] And then… [looks down at the ground for a while and then looks back up] when he pulled his hand out [looks up ]— [looks at the audience] we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, [audience laughs] so I’ll phrase this a delicately as I can. I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out, it feels like you’re shitting because the only thing that’s ever come out of your butt before has been shit.
So… he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shitting into his hand. So I yelled, [returns to elbow pose on stool and yells in high whiny voice] “I’M SORRRRY!” [John stands back up and the audience applauds] This is a very routine procedure, by the way, for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with [returns to elbow pose on stool and whines] “OOOOOOHHHH” and “I’M SORRRRY.” [stands back up and walks to the side] And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like, [puts his hand on an imaginary person’s shoulder and speaks in a low sympathetic voice] “Ah, don’t worry, you didn’t shit into my hand,” he just threw his glove away and went [pantomimes throwing something while exclaiming in a low gravelly voice] “ahgahah!” And I was about to ask about Xanax but then he said, “Alright, your prostate’s fine, but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, feeling different. [light audience laughter] And he yells out into the hall, he goes, [turns away from the audience] “Hey, we’re doing a blood test, get in here!”
And Batman dances back in and he’s like, [steps side to side while moving his arms in tight circles in front of him and speaking in an upbeat tone] “Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different. Let’s do it.” [audience laughs] The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over, okay? But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and I’ll never forget it… [turns to side and exclaims in an energetic and slightly Southern accent] “Pssh! You’re not gonna faint!”
[turns around to face the audience] So. [audience laughs] I stick my arm out, [holds out arm] Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I immediately collapse on the ground. I wake up and I am covered in sweat, lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes, and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes, [leans forward and bends knees slightly while holding arm out to the side and yelling in an urgent gravelly voice] “You gotta go!” and I say, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a quiet and slightly slurred tired voice] “Can I please talk to the doctor, though, first? Because sometimes… I get nervous… on airplanes.” And Batman said, [leans forward and holds arm out to the side and yells in a gravelly voice while bobbling head] “The doctor’s gone!” So I got my stuff… and I left! The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass.
And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who did I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me, and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed. [audience laughs]
Thanks very much for listening to me, my name’s John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you. [audience cheers and applauds] [music that played when he walked onto the stage at the beginning plays again] [John walks around off stage and sits in the audience and applauds claps. Stands up and waves to the audience and nods, walking back onto the stage] Thank you very much again, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. Thank you. [walks off stage]
[end credits]
[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan, bubbly yellow lettering reads “NEW IN TOWN John Mulaney”]
(singing) ♬ New in town,
[John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers]
♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town…
[John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt]
[freeze frame of his spilling mustard and yellow serifed lettering reads “STARRING JOHN MULANEY”]
♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt,
[John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers]
♬ And he’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!
[Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”]
♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends!
[The a small Asian man from the intro jumps in through a doorway. Yellow serifed lettering reads “STARRING MICHAEL ITZOFF”]
[John pushes him back out and closes the door]
♬ Ooh, new in town
[Close up of an old man wearing a sailor’s hat sitting in a library on a loveseat reading a newspaper smiling at the camera. Yellow serifed lettering reads “STARRING HERMAN BASTARD”]
[John opens same door he pushed Michael Itzoff out of and a tall black man is there smiling and holds up a basketball. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH POUNDCAKE WALKER AS ‘POUNDCAKE’”]
[Cuts to a white woman flipping her hair and smiling. Yellow serifed lettering reads “AND A WOMAN”]
[The woman is standing behind a loveseat and John is sitting in the loveseat and tosses a blanket off himself]
[Poundcake Walker carrying Michael Itzoff walks in on John reading a book]
[a newspaper is placed in a flower pot to make it appear that a fern is reading the newspaper. Yellow serifed lettering reads “AND INTRODUCING FERN ST. JAMES as THE FERN”]
[the woman taps John on the shoulder and pulls out a large ziplock bag with white powder in it labeled “COCAINE”. John excited rubs his hands together, points at the bag, and nods.]
[Poundcake Walker and Herman Bastard are arguing and John is trying to split them up]
♬ New in town
[John is laying on the ground surrounded by his dropped papers with a look of pain and despair on his face. Yellow serifed lettering reads “DIRECTED BY PAUL SMALLMAN”]
[John is sitting at a desk and fiddling with desk supplies]
[John is sitting in a chair with an annoyed expression while Herman Bastard dances beside him]
♬ John Mulaney’s new in town
[zooms out from a cityscape with yellow bubbly lettering that reads “John Mulaney New In Town”]
♬ John Mulaney’s New in Town!
As bonafide Mongloids ourselves, my family has experienced the mildly humorous but sometimes ridiculous effects of the neotenization of appearances first-hand. Back when he owned a small video game business, my father decided to treat his employees to a movie at the theater. They lined up to see Halloween II as presented by Rob Zombie and one by one his employees, who all of which are in their early 20's, buy their tickets without a hitch. However, when my dad attempted to purchase a ticket, the woman in the kiosk refused to give him one without seeing some identification. He tried to explain that he had left his wallet behind since he did not drive them there, but he was the oldest one in the group. He showed her his wedding ring. She still would not budge. Eventually, one of the employees purchased the ticket as my father’s “guardian” and they went on to see the movie. At this time my father was 37 years old and was nearly refused entry to a rated R movie.
John Mulaney’s boyish appearance evokes multiple threads of subconscious reactions from his viewers. His intensely neotenized features are aesthetically pleasing to the human brain, and also imply a sense of progressed evolution. This indicates a higher form of being, something closer to human, and thus would make him trustable and appear more intelligent. He is able to use this to his advantage by gathering that trust to engage his audience and transpose his intelligence into comedy.
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