I’m so sick and tired of emotions, I’m even getting sick of the good ones. I can’t go one morning without getting teared up by a feel-good news story. Hoda’s Boost from the Today Show gets me every time.
My overactive mirror neurons wreak havoc on my brain anytime I see anything from someone in need getting showered with love or someone going through one of the worst experiences a human could face. Horror flicks are completely out of the question for me.
Happy feelings and emotions are positive. They do good things for our body. They can be a stress relief, help us sleep more, and be more productive. Happiness can help us focus our concentration so that we can be more efficient.
But what happens when you can’t control your emotions? When you have borderline personality disorder, you have a strong sense of empathy and a lack of control over those emotions.
BDP, misunderstandings, and explanations
I’ve had BPD for a long time. If I look back on the last few years, I can see it develop. I started getting destructive in my actions. I was taking more unnecessary risks. It’s a blessing I didn’t hurt myself or someone else, either intentionally or reactionary.
People widely misunderstand BPD. People think it means you have two or more completely distinct personalities, but that’s not quite the situation. Not understanding borderline personality disorder isn’t a surprise. I sure as hell didn’t get it when I first saw my diagnosis.
BDP is a disorder where the diagnosed have a difficult time controlling their emotions. They don’t have a strong sense of help, presumably from being in survival mode for a period or time or experiencing a singular traumatic event, or having gone through a long period of trauma.
Most of the time, the disorder develops after 18-years-old. Actually, the disorder develops over time; the diagnosis doesn’t come until later. Typically, abuse or abandonment will make up the bulk of cases.
I’m not completely certain what might have triggered my BPD as an adult. Abuse or intentional neglect are not a factor for me. My parents did everything for me and my two sisters as they could. Perhaps that was where I developed it.
We might never know why I developed the condition and my sisters did not, though I have my personal theory.
I might have developed BPD because my parents were always out of the house, trying to make ends meet. I had to talk myself through anything from leaving my room to get food, to “what is that noise in the basement?”
Who am I?
People with BPD have a confused sense of identity. Most can see all angles of an issue immediately and can present them in one breath. It makes for a confusing conversation.
Take me and my husband. I might have an idea to go somewhere, or start a project, or even make a big purchase. I will be ‘all in’ in the beginning, but eventually talk myself out of whatever idea or plan I had thought of.
It is my blessing and my curse.
Being able to see multiple sides equally has its benefits. Debates are easy. Attention to detail comes naturally because I can think of most things from many angles.
But the downsides are that I can never choose a side. Like ever. It’s like I have all the opinions, but having none of them at all.
Sick of happy
I know this isn’t a popular idea. How can someone be sick of being happy?
I’m not talking about enjoying life and having everything you need and want. I am talking about the sharp jab of happiness that you get while watching other people and their times of complete and utter pure joy. But mine isn’t a sharp jab, although that is how it begins. Mine is a full-out complete flip of emotion and I can stay there for a while. Or on the flip side, seeing a tragic event and living through it with the afflicted.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t tear up at least three times. It could be from everything, like watching a soldier reunion on TV, to seeing my daughters figure something out. Or on the other end, I could ‘ugly cry’ over others’ misfortune whether it be real or in a movie.
There is a part of the brain that is dedicated to empathy, it’s the part where your mirror neurons work. That part of the brain works overtime in people with BPD. In other words, you see it; you feel it. And I’m not talking about a little smile. I am talking about all the feels, like I am the one welcoming home a family member from deployment or I was the one who won the million dollar lottery. I have all the feelings all the time and they are very strong.
Learning is controlling
I am looking forward to the day where I can control my own emotions. Sure I would like to feel other’s happiness when I see a positive event, but I’d like to be able to stomach those feelings with as much ease at the typical person. That goes for the negative emotions even more. Those are the worst. I can’t watch anything from the news ro movies without being sent down a depressing spiral of empathetic feelings for the victims of what I am watching.
I reckon that is why I bought all the books; I am going through the workbooks, and I am going to therapy, so that I may one day be a typical human that can control their emotions as much as my typical peer.
I can’t wait to be typical. I’m so close, but so far away.
