Burger Boys Unite: The Origin Story

On Feb. 17, the Burger Boys took on Miller’s Cafe on Shepherd. Photo by Josh Nelson

The #BurgerBoys got their start on a fateful Friday afternoon when four friends — who were only friends because they work together at a premiere producer of frothy adult beverages — decided to take a trip to the infamous Lankford’s Grocery in Houston’s Midtown area.

Little did they know that another co-worker’s bum-ass husband, Jonathan, would be making his way over to the same place. Jonathan and his wife, Lisa, had an agreement to go to Lankford’s, but after living in Houston for a year and a half, Jonathan decided that it was acceptable to visit the establishment without her because a year and a half is a long God-damn time to wait to eat at a burger spot. Oh, and he was hungover and a burger sounded delicious.

Jonathan, wanting to offset the amount of damage he was about to do to his body, decided to walk. He soon regretted it, because it was 85 degrees in fucking January, so much for winter in Texas. Anyway, in his hungover state he approached the place and thought he spotted someone that he knew, but considering he knew like two people outside of his wife in Houston, he figured he was wrong. But just like that scorching-fucking-hot sun, fate beamed down on him and he actually did know, not just one of the dudes at the table, but all four of them.

As he approached the four guys looked at one another and one said, “Oh great, this fucking guy. Try not to make eye contact.”

But it was too late. Jonathan had spotted them. Begrudgingly, they extended an invitation for him to sit down since Lankford’s is always busy and there were no other seats available.

Jonathan sat down and ordered a Lone Star because it was what everyone else was drinking and he didn’t want to be the guy to ask the server for the place’s beer list. After ordering his beer, the guys informed Jonathan that the place was old school in that it was cash only and since he had never fucking been there after a year and a half of waiting, he came with no cash. Slow to think, he finally said, “Well, looks like I’ll see you guys in a bit, I’m going to go hit up the ATM.” Fortunately for Jonathan, the guys pooled their money together, so he didn’t have to go anywhere, which was good considering he had already had a few sips of his beer.

Even though the five of them really didn’t care too much about one another, they knew that this chance encounter was bigger than them, so they started thinking about what it was that the universe wanted them to do.

Since there were five of them, they automatically assumed they were brought together to start the next great boy band. They thought about it and nixed the idea after realizing that they were either approaching 30 or in their 30s and nobody would want to come watch a bunch of untalented, on-their-way-to-middle-aged, white guys attempt to sing and dance sexily.

Then they thought that a league basketball team would be the way to go since, again, there were five of them. That idea also got thrown out because, again, they were untalented, fat, out-of-shape, white guys, and as the highly-acclaimed 1992 classic points out, white men can’t jump.

Suddenly it dawned on them. They were brought together to do what they were already doing: eating burgers and drinking beers. They came up with the idea to find the best burgers in town. Later that day, Ryan, the most charming burger boy, compiled a list of the best burgers in Houston according to Yelp. The list started out modestly with just 34 restaurants to check out, but it has grown since thanks to recommendations from our followers.

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