The Chapter of Knowing

Continued from http://theburnedoutartist.tumblr.com/


“I’m burned out” texted Vic. He’s been involved in a pretty hefty commitment for Gay AA. It’s something that I was involved with up until the realization that I would never get past the heavy reliance on AA’s Higher Power (e.g. God) concepts. I replied to him with “What do you think happened to me?” to which he immediately replied with “what do you mean?.. It was just a busy weekend.”

You see in AA one must never complain openly about the program. The encouraged loss of individuality in favor of god and a controlling sponsor is quite daunting. It’s why I have chosen to do my own path.

“So, did you have fun in Vegas” texts Vic.. “Yeah, it was amazing, and so was the 3way.”

The 3Way

I find myself extremely distracted while working at home alone. I spend time feeling bad about it while creating some mock ups on Sketch. — Thinking “I have only been dating Felipe for a week and a half for fucks sake!” Its true that I have been quite taken by him. He’s an artist, warm and caring and slightly off like myself… Then like a kid in a candy store, I get on and off Grindr, fantasizing over sexual adventures.. Only to walk over to the art board I am gessoing, pet my dogs, get more coffee, look at myself in the mirror, and finally delete grindr for the 100th time this week.

“Eyes.. That’s my thing” — I will be the painter of eyes. The window to the soul.

What remains is love, lust and guilt. My French Bulldog now sits at my feet distracting me with some licking disorder. I now stare blankly towards my computer screen at this project I have been neglecting to work on. It’s a UI using Sketch. It is my first time using Sketch, and I am motivated to learn but my job is not creating the drive in me to keep going. The California sun beckons, and I think about Crossfit before turning my attention back onto my Chicken and Broccoli lunch.

One must look good for summer.

Deeper

Last evening I got on a Sarah McLaughlin kick. — Playing all her songs from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy. One of my all time favorites outside of Amy Winehouse. She took me back to a time when I was scared of my own sexuality. — A time when I couldn’t give a fuck about the business of graphic design. I painted. Sometimes all night. No other motivation remained. Boys, gym, and even food were secondary. This album made me feel those emotions. It reminded me of what I have forgot.

I always think of my life as before New York, New York, and after New York. But this music created an entirely new perspective. I didn’t drop the ball when I left New York. Nor did I when I first moved there and drank myself into oblivion with my friend Robert. — And it wasn't before I moved away from San Diego 12 years ago. I dropped the ball when I ignored my passion after graduating from college. This realization is putting my whole existance into question.

My art has always been secondary. The fear that if I touched it, I would forget everything else in my life. It has been in the background creating a sadness that has allowed me to waste away with a bottle of wine. Drunk, and high, I would stare at my surroundings. Like an abusive relationship, materialism sucking the life out of me. Even my debt was too much to take when all I wanted to do was be free. — So I kept numbing myself. It was no less than self hatred for all I wish I was doing.

And so it begins. The chapter of knowing.


Though I have been blogging for over a year, the time has come to move over to a platform that is much more conducive to long-form content. This is my first post on Medium, but its only one in a long line of posts. To check out my previous posts, go to http://theburnedoutartist.tumblr.com/

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