Campaign Horoscopes for the week of 8/1/2016

Days until Election Day: 95

Scorpio (Hillary Clinton, born October 26, 1947)
Shit, Scorpio, the Force is with you this morning. Get up and out, forcefully appear with your allies, and declare that you are going to turn some red states blue this year! Watch out for weird vibes later on though; something about that manufacturing facility you tour just won’t be quite….right.

Pisces (Tim Kaine, born February 26, 1958)
Do you like seafood, fishy-boy? Good because you’re on the campaign trail in Baltimore and seafood is about the only uncontestedly good thing about Maryland. Don’t say that in so many words tho. You’re not our Cool Dad VP yet.

Gemini (Donald Trump, born June 18, 1946; Mike Pence, born June 7, 1959)
Something about two Geminis on a ticket seems incredibly sinister, but they are the twins, after all. Cain & Abel, Castor & Pollux. Romulus killed Remus, y’all know? With Virgo activating the “home and family” part of your chart, it’s no wonder that you don’t want babies crying over you. That’s the woman’s job (if you sexually harass your own wife while she is taking care of your child, should she seek a different position?).

Leo (Barack Obama, born August 4, 1961; Bill Clinton, born August 19, 1946)
The sun was shining on you for so long, and this new moon is delivering you into Virgo, the sign that rules your financial future. Now is a great time to hide some shady corporate dealings you’ve had with your philanthropic organization, or to throw shade at your successor’s electoral opponent. Commute some life sentences of federal prisoners if you feel like it. It’s almost over; and it’s also just beginning. All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again. Happy birthday.

Libra (Joe Biden, born November 20, 1942; Jane Sanders, born October 8, 1960)
I know I don’t have to tell you Libras that you need to rest and kick back this week. All the hard parts are over, you came out mostly unscathed. Cool your heels in Mexico for a while, or marry some gay dudes who work for you. No one is talking about that liberal arts college you ran into the ground anymore, thankfully. Go to the Whole Foods; you’re definitely out of ice cream.

Capricorn (Michelle Obama, born January 17, 1964)
Your husband is going to save the Democratic Party AGAIN for that pro-Iraq-war white lady. No one will give him credit, but soon you won’t have to pretend to care about what everyone thinks about your upper arms. Well, not as much. Let Malia wear a tube top; who fucking cares at this point?

Taurus (Melania Trump, born April 26, 1970)
Your internal monologue is correct: Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything….But I…no. Everyone will get mad again. Don’t say anything.

Virgo (Bernie Sanders, born September 8, 1941)
The sun enters Virgo later tonight, so you might get asked to stump in Iowa or something, but confusion dominates your relationships right now. Did you recently attend a large event in which someone other than you was politically coronated? Get that spoon out of that pint of Ben & Jerry’s that was named after you, because you’re a cool New England dude who is totally relevant still, just like professors who study the Grateful Dead, or Marxists. You can still raise money for other people, collect a paycheck and never pass any legislation. Dodged a bullet from a handgun legally purchased in Vermont on that one.

Aquarius (Paul Ryan, born January 29, 1970)
You’re having a lot of dreams about Stalin. That’s normal. You’re coming to terms with some embedded truths, morals that you may not have even known you had. Things that once were dependable now seem obscure. Transformation is the watch-word; creation and destruction are flip sides of the same coin, water-bearer.

Aries (Reince Priebus, born March 28, 1972)
How are you supposed to get this done without any competent person’s help? You can’t just call the guy and say, “Mr. Trump, veterans and babies are sacred to the culture of fake American politics!” Okay, Paul says you should try. Just try to get through to him, he urges after waking up from one of those dreams again, the ones where he shouts, “I can help you trim the gulag budget! Don’t hurt me!” Try to talk his language. Remind him to tell Melania not to say anything else, just like that vet’s mother you insulted. On the phone you say: Moms are great, Donnie boy, we’ve got the best moms of any nation, and you’re gonna make them better, but only if we win. You will wake up with a migraine every day this week.

Cancer (United States of America, born July 4, 1776)
If there was ever a reason to characterize you as a crybaby, it’s now. Fucking grow up already.

Congrats, Sags, you are the only completely apolitical sign in this election cycle, no horse in the race. Go back to whatever it is you’re feverishly doing, which is doubtless better than any of the above.