Leaving the SHOULD Life
How and why to stop letting SHOULD run your life

Did you know the most common regret at the end of life is having lived your life to other people’s expectations?
Living a life filled with other people’s agendas and belief systems is what I call a SHOULD life.
We all live a SHOULD life to some degree, and I lived it more than most.
For most of my life, I believed following the expectations of friends, family and society would lead to the perfect life. And so I became an All American guy: football star, good grades, college, 9–5 job, and married my college sweetheart. I was happy, but also always worried about other peoples’ perceptions, and constantly felt pressure to do what I thought I SHOULD do.
It wasn’t until life threw me a devastating curveball in the form of miscarriages and divorce that I realized despite all efforts to do things the ‘right way’, the SHOULD life was no path to true contentment. If I was going to move forward on my own path, I first had to shake my addiction to the SHOULD life. Which started with the word SHOULD.
OUR UNIQUE ADDICTION TO SHOULD
Once I became aware of how much I encountered the word SHOULD (sometimes over 100 times in 1 day), I realized I wasn’t alone. SHOULD is the 25th most common verb used in the English language and is used more than ‘need’ and ‘feel’. Tune into almost any news, social media or personal conversation, and it will be hard to miss an ‘I SHOULD’, ‘they SHOULD’, or ‘you SHOULD’.
And it would be one thing if SHOULD was a necessary component of language but that’s not the case. Many other languages, including Italian, French and Dutch use SHOULD much less frequently than English. In fact, in some languages (such as in the African language Mende) you either do or don’t do something, there is no SHOULD at all.
If we don’t need the word SHOULD, why live the SHOULD life?
WHY CARE ABOUT THE WORD SHOULD?
Reflecting on my life, I realized SHOULD seemed productive but actually played a negative role. SHOULD poses as giving directions on how to live life, but actually just reminds us how we are failing. SHOULD poses as a motivator (I SHOULD go to the gym), but is really the voice of self hatred (I am so lazy!).
Being bombarded with a word that tells us we are failing has its consequences. My own daily uses of SHOULD fast tracked me to negative headspaces of regret, guilt, and anger. Every view of social media shouted out all the things I SHOULD be doing. Even something as simple as “you should read this book” could be a trigger for guilt and stress.
The SHOULDs I had thought were pushing me toward a perfect life were actually weighing me down. And it was clear I needed a SHOULD diet.
HOW I WENT ON A SHOULD DIET
SHOULD Awareness and Reduction
First, I made a conscious effort to become aware when SHOULD was used around me and to evaluate my own true feelings about the SHOULD proposed. I then tried to avoid using the word myself.
Removing SHOULD from my vocabulary was challenging. I still struggle in certain situations to find an alternative to SHOULD. The best method for me is to focus on why I want the underlying desire and speak to that. ‘I SHOULD do yoga’ becomes ‘My body feels great when I do yoga’. Instead of telling someone, ‘You SHOULD eat more broccoli’ say, ‘I know health is important to you and I’ve read broccoli is really healthy’. By reframing it, the thought is no longer a directive with negative implications, but a realistic assessment of needs. In most cases, just noticing SHOULD in the present moment allowed me to reframe to a better alternative.
Take the Pressure Off
An essential complement to SHOULD reduction was taking the pressure off myself. SHOULDs are A+ perfection chasers and I committed to take the pressure off doing all the SHOULDs for a week. That meant noticing anytime I felt pressure around something I SHOULD do, catching it and letting it go. So instead of agonizing over finishing every to-do for the day, I could feel content with what the day allowed me to get done. That week of less pressure became a month and then a year. Taking the pressure off and focusing on my true needs gave me a lightness I hadn’t felt in years.
The Results
By focusing on my needs rather than SHOULDs, I reduced those unwanted feelings of FOMO, insecurity and unworthiness. I am now more assertive and empowered to make decisions even if I didn’t know their outcome. My life is following an unconventional and uncertain path untethered to society, family or friends’ expectations. And it feels great.
ARE YOU SHOULDING ME?
I’m aware of the irony that on some level this article can read like one big SHOULD but the intent is to raise awareness. Awareness of the simplicity and benefits of a SHOULD diet and how you don’t need a tough life curveball to start your journey away from the SHOULD life.
Simply remember the SHOULD life as the top regret of the dying and ask whether your use of SHOULD has consequences for yourself and others.
If you want to try a SHOULD diet for yourself, these could be useful places to start:
- 1 DAY SHOULD CHALLENGE: Try to not use SHOULD at all for 1 day and notice how you feel when you hear others use it. Sounds easy, but it is harder than you think. Don’t forget, instead of ‘I SHOULD go to the gym’, try something like ‘I feel so alive and strong when I make time for myself to go the gym’. If 1 day goes well, try another!
- NOTE TO SELF ‘TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF’: Create a reminder for yourself to take the pressure off of needing SHOULDs’ perfection. This can be something simple like a sticky note with an A+ crossed out, or a daily morning reminder of “Need over SHOULD” to help you value your needs and wants.
- SHARE YOUR SHOULD DIET: Share your experience of these exercises with others and you’ll be surprised how much people have to say about SHOULD. You can also share your experience direct with me on Instagram @brianvonancken.
These exercises are simple, accessible and powerful. Small efforts to raise your basic awareness and intentionality around using the word SHOULD can lead to large scale positive change. It’s not like you need to quit your job and move to Bali.
Now I actually relish when I find myself wanting to use SHOULD, because it is an opportunity to take a moment to reflect on what I really want.
And in doing so, while it may not get me that imaginary perfect A+ life, it has allowed me to move from living the SHOULD life, to the good life: my life.
