Still anxious, but who cares anyway
Dealing with mild anxiety in everyday life
In my previous post, I talked about my experiences and how I healed from recurring and acute episodes of depression. Its been about 3.5 years since the last episode, but does that mean I feel alright all the time? No, of course not, I am still a human and my mind still has the old tendencies.
So, what changed? And How?
What changed was my perspective on anxiousness and how I deal with it, when it arises. Once the depression started to fade, I was more open to seeing things slightly differently. I started noticing that I was indeed like everybody else and that there was nothing wrong with me.
How did that observation come about? I was really lucky to have good friends around me at the time of heeling (most of them were unaware of my situation) who were enthusiastic about travel and wanted me to accompany them.
The thing about traveling is that it exposes you to different people and also brings you closer to your own group of friends. In this process, I was talking to a lot of different people and one can’t help but notice that everybody has their own anxieties and problems that they are fighting with. It was a combination of shock and relief to know this. Once this realization started dawning on me, it was so much easier to make new friends.
My judgemental mind was finally allowed to rest. I could listen to other people’s stories without making any judgment about them. This was a process and took its own sweet time. Once my judgments began to drop, I naturally became a more likable person and my mind was free to focus on things that really mattered, instead of making judgemental stories about myself and others around.
What anxiety looks like now
None of this is to say that my anxiety has completely disappeared. I still have trouble falling asleep once in a while and feel sleepy at the wrongest time of the day. (When I am sitting right in front my manager in an important meeting :P).
Anxious thoughts still take over my body and mind, and I really can’t do much about it when it happens. The only difference is my understanding of what anxiety is. I now understand (through experience and not mere intellectual repetition) that it is only anxiety, it comes and goes based on my life situations and the state of my mind at that time.
I don’t need to get anxious about anxiety. Do you see that happening within you? At least for me in the old days, the anxiety about being anxious was way more than the initial anxiety itself. It's funny, now that I look at it in the hindsight.
How do I take it on
I let it stay for as long as its there without paying too much attention. Does that mean I like it? No, I wish I could say that I had reached the point where I don’t get bothered at all, but I am not there yet. (I will write about that state once I am there :) ).
So I still don’t like being anxious, but I understand that it happens sometimes and its no big deal!
It does some bad things like take away my sleep for that night, and it also does interesting things like improving my overall efficiency in office the next day. Anxiety is a state of mind where the amygdala (one of two parts of the brain that affect how people feel emotions, especially fear, and pleasure) is aroused (it believes that you are in a state of physical danger) and the body’s fight or flight response is activated. It works by increasing your heart rate, elevating your blood pressure, and boosting your energy levels. Not to mention that the mind is flooded with repetitive thoughts that are irrational but out of one’s control.
I will not get into why that happens, unfortunately, this post is only about dealing with it, you can do your own research from the plentiful resources available online. So yes, even though it gives me superhuman abilities, it is not hard to see that this is not a sustainable state. The peak is followed by a trough where the body has very little energy. Now since I have gone through this whole cycle many times, I understand it and can be prepared for it. For example, taking it easy the day after, not expecting a lot from myself whether it is on the yoga mat or at the office. And just by tweaking my expectations, I am respecting my body and mind, the body and mind do thank me back for it.
A new look
Every anxious thought is an invitation to look within and question. Question what is it that I am attaching so much importance to, that it is taking away my peace of mind? Question if it is really worth it? Will it hurt to reduce its importance by a tad bit?
For me personally its somewhere around attaching my self worth to the occurrence of some event. If ‘X’ occurs I am worthy, or a good person, otherwise I am not good enough. So once I am able to see this thought pattern I can begin to loosen it bit by bit.
The easiest way is to laugh, laugh at my own stupidity. Laughing and smiling really takes the heavy emotional weight out of situations.
Do try it out and validate/invalidate me. It might feel counter-intuitive in the beginning but do it anyway and see what happens. As soon as you catch yourself having a worrisome thought, try to smile and see if the worry remains. The tricky part is remembering to smile and most of the time I forget to do that. Of late I have started making it a habit to smile every now and then. Call me crazy but its really causing a shift in my everyday mood.
The truth is that life is challenging and there are always going to be problems. And also that they can be solved while being in a relaxed state of mind. Then there are problems that have no solution, acceptance is the only way out.
When you smile, acceptance becomes easier. Not only that, in that acceptance the whole perspective shifts, and who knows maybe you realize it was never a problem, but a blessing in disguise.
Another truth is that we are way too insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. So I no longer see a point in attaching my self-worth to an external circumstance that may or may not happen, in a game of chance. Any seasoned gambler will tell you that is sheer stupidy.
But does that mean that you let go of all your ambitions? No! Not at all. Instead, you keep all your ambitions intact and work for it with much more clarity and focussed energy. Not because the end goal will make you any superior but because you derive some happiness out of doing that thing. If not, then I would feel that the goal is not worth pursuing. (This is my opinion and anyone else is free to feel otherwise).
Do you see that this small shift in perspective changes a lot in the mind? Ponder over it…
Summarizing it all
(This time, a real TL;DR :P)
Anxiety is just a state of mind, and the good news is that it can be shifted to a more holistic state. The magnitude really depends on how much importance you attach to a particular thing that is causing the anxiety, so loosen up. Nothing is more important than your own well being.
- Sometimes anxiety may arise for no apparent reason and the best you can do is not pay much attention.
- Be gentle with yourself and reduce expectations from yourself for the time being. Remember to smile and laugh.
- I cannot stress the importance of physical activity more. It really works wonders by getting you out of the head and into the body.
- Gratitude! That little feeling of being grateful for being alive in a universe where God may be playing dice is a big game-changer. Then there are so many more things and people to be grateful for.
- Respect the mind and body. Work within the limits of these two, to eventually stretch your limits over a period of time. Overnight transformation is notorious for getting undone as quickly as it came about. (Think of it as a spring).
- Try to not judge people and yourself all the time. It will lift a lot of weight off you that you didn’t even know you were carrying.
- Value short but intense sessions of work (could be anything you are trying to achieve) over long and dull slogging as the former gives more valuable results.
- Taking some time off if you are too consumed by something, helps by making space for new ideas, solutions to arise.
If I can sum it all in a line:
Don’t take anything too personally or seriously, smile when you catch yourself doing it. :)
