i love you

and im sober

Byan Sakura
Nov 2 · 3 min read

this is the fourth day since the last time i was intoxicated and taken to the emergency room. i had been sleeping all day and just finished my first decent meal that didn’t contain any alcohol in week. now i’m sitting down in my bathroom floor and all i can think about is that i love you.

it is not the same as my previous i love you i said when i was high and music blasting in the background with strangers telling us to go home because we were causing too much scene. it is different with the time i tried to swallow you whole starting from your finger and creeping to your neck. it is not like when i tried to steal your kiss when you weren’t looking and aware thank you to the relentless shots of vodka your friends were trying to drown your system in.

i realized that i love you when you sat across me, setting my utensils to eat with you when the rain came pouring down and trapping us so we got nowhere to go but smoke by the cafeteria telling each other what happened with life before we met. i could see it in your eyes that you are hurt and people you love left you. i could see how at some point in life you wanted to end your life but you never succeeded so you are still here with me right now. i just knew because that is the look i see every time i look in the mirror.

you told me you saw it through me, all the pain and suffering and you remembered the night i told you somebody took something i could never take back. i didn’t remember but you did. you told me you were scared that i would do something irreversible, that i would kill myself. you didn’t take that as a joke.

you took my arm and ran your fingers through my scars, asking me how they got that deep. you told me about your pains too telling me it was okay. everybody went through shits and that was all life is about, shit. i met you last year and we only talked for a week but i felt like i’ve known you my whole life it’s scary. i felt like i’ve loved you ever since, even more scary.

and it’s confusing love, i have to confess. you are the first thing i have in mind in the morning every time i wake up and the last thing i think about before i close my eyes. you are somebody that is constantly in my dreams i can’t recall but i just know you are there.

i love you in the way i hope it will not burden you. i love you in the way i hope you don’t have to think that you need to reincorporate the feeling because you don’t. i love you because i can’t help not to but i’m okay with that because i love you.

i love you not in the manner where i want to have you though i don’t mind waking up to your face each morning for the rest of my life. i love you not to be a part in your life even when i’m ready for you to enter a big chunk of mine.

i love you as in i’m sober and no longer have to drown half bottle of red wine and taking couple shots of vodka to kiss you. i love you as in i would tell you my stories even when i wasn’t leaning on you for support after heavy alcohol-intoxication. i love you as i would hold your hands in public when our friends are looking without glasses in hands and 90’ music blasting to our dances.

i love you.

oh i hope you aren’t that drunk when you told me you loved me too.

still, i love you.

    Byan Sakura

    Written by

    Should’ve been gone.

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