By Brandwick Dardewick-Plant

You see it right when you get out of a jet flying over vast expanses of farmland, wind turbines, cows, and the like and are deposited in the charming regional O’Hare Airport. Though it is practically steps from the landing strip to what I think is supposed to be the main downtown area, I decided to indulge myself and rented an automobile to get a sense of how the locals might get around. I had not driven for some time (like many New Yorkers, the most practical transit is to climb up a skyscraper or a wobbling condominium tower and hang glide), but I quickly got in the spirit, cheerfully tooting at my fellow motorists, listening to the rhythmic yelps and whirls of what they call “music” on the radio device, and adjusting my driving goggles. …

By Gorge MacDubbett

When you’ve got as many pressbox donuts lodged in your arteries as I do, then you know that the time to get nervous in baseball is when the pointy heads start rolling through the clubhouse with their computers. Next thing you know, they’re taking away RBIs and putting JORPs on the scoreboard. So you can forgive me if I’m lowering my bifocals a little when I see a bunch of doctor-types wandering around practice fields telling everyone whether or not they tested positive for a disease.

If it wasn’t important enough to put “tested positive for coronavirus” on the back of a Tom Seaver card, then it’s not important enough for me. …

By Chet Tinto

I guess since we’re in the Taking Shots at Sports Media Personalities in National Newspapers Era, I should address the dumb backlash against my podcasts. People act like I can just take any one of our staff members and throw them on podcasts that get thousands of listeners because they don’t know anything about the industry that I invented in 2006 when I asked my buddy Malt whether Ron Artest was an Elite, Tier 1 Headcase Guy and then quoted from the movie Money Train for two and a half hours.

Do they seriously think just anyone can hang on a deep dive into the 2004 NBA MVP and then speculate on who we’d cast in a Mr. Belvedere reboot that I call Belvedere 2.0?????? This isn’t fuckin’ amateur hour, this is my livelihood, and I’ve got to move referrer codes for subscription underwear. …

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