BASEBALL SPRING TRAINING INJURY REPORT

By A. Wolfram Grunto, Buntmonger Magazine Online

Riley Julep: Sprained wrist (Drove truck into barn)

Colt Holsterman: Bruised shin (Drove truck into larger truck)

Garge Brennan: Broken rib (Tried to build homemade truck exoskeleton)

Chew Floag: Bruised coccyx (adult soapbox derby league mishap)

Bose Yolkman: Ruptured achilles (stepped in multiple bear traps)

Yark Harkabarragh: Strained hamstring (inadequately convincing bear costume)

Wynn Moltfellow: Chest contusion (horse-boxing accident)

Chadd Dactyl: Broken orbital bone (altercation during raid of underground horse-boxing promotion)

Bulk Mumppo: Strained bicep (failed attempt to build human-scale Mousetrap apparatus, trapped in rub-a-dub tub)

Ttrentt Waxswallow: Punctured lung (attempt to recreate bullet-dodging scene from The Matrix)

Gulff Matterhorn: Torn rotator cuff (hunted for sport)

Rip Lickleton: Tetanus (gored by mule with head stuck in a German WWI helmet)

Kent Wad: Stomach cramps (forced to eat his way out of a gigantic pie)

Dofe Troughson: Double vision (nunchuck overconfidence)

Pfluge Lugebark: Herniated disc (hotdoggin’ on that waterslide)

Rake Ladhunch: Oblique strain (dangerously overstuffed knick-knack cabinet)