CHICAGO, THIS CITY IS NOW UNDER FOOTBALL LAW
By General H. Karnnabus Truckbeer
By the authority of the National Football League, for the duration of the NFL Draft, the city of Chicago and Greater Chicagoland Metropolitan Area has been placed under Football Law. Residents of National Football League-controlled territory, known henceforth as the Chevy Truck Month General Football Administrative Area, are hereby ordered to remain in their homes or in designated Bud Light Lime Tailgate Zones.
For your safety, the Coke Zero Municipal Authority will monitor all neighborhoods for excessive celebrations. The following activities have been approved for the duration of the National Football League Draft:
- Lighthearted touch football in the park while wearing Wrangler brand jeans
- Watching the National Football League Draft on a couch surrounded by colorful snack bowls with a group of high-fiving, multi-ethnic friends in key brand demographics wearing NFL team apparel
- Gazing wistfully across the room at a graying spouse during a quiet evening on the porch, on a nature trail, or in an unorthodox configuration of bathtubs knowing that moment grows ever-nearer when you will rampage upon each other with the aid of a cocktail of boner medicines
- Awareness of breast cancer
Citizens of Chicago, you are urged not to interfere with the Doritos Tacos Locos You Need A Quarterback To Win Football Games In The National Football League Authorized Broadcast Area, uniformed National Football League personnel, or Joe Buck. Violators will be held indefinitely for processing in the Miller Lite Ultimate Fan Zone.
The roads have been closed and may be accessed only by National Football league vehicles: Gatorade transport trucks, shipments of enormous neckties that can be arranged into knots the size of an infant’s skull, and Jerry Jones’s fleet of pickup trucks modified to look like guns and regular trucks that you shoot guns out of.
The National Football League has issued a series of edicts to protect citizens in the Chevy Truck Month General Football Administrative Area. Any resident who attempts to vandalize inflatable football-themed monuments or the abstract Fox Sports Cleatus the Aggressively Not In My House Dancing Robot statue in Daley Plaza will be fined and suspended. Anyone attempting to disrupt the National Football League Draft through sabotage, subterfuge, or simultaneously listing the names of unrelated college football players will be subject to punitive Heads Up Tackling. Citizens of Chicago, you may not at any time incredible hulk.
The National Football League takes these measures to safeguard the Verizon 4G LTE Draft Experience. Chicago residents and approved Comcast Triple Play Preferred Draft Audience Members may observe the selection process, watch it on their televisions or streaming devices, or listen to former National Football League players who have been dispersed to designated neighborhoods to announce the selections through a bullhorn while opining on whether or not each selection is capable of Making Football Plays, or is potentially marred by Off-Field Concerns.
A curfew is in effect during the first three months of the National Football League Draft. No non-National Football League personnel may be on Michigan Avenue when Commissioner Goodell rides down it upon his gleaming white stallion accompanied by his Shield Protector Elite Guard, Brand Ambassadors, and Steve Mariucci.
Chicago, this declaration of Football Law is for your own safety. The National Football League requires all citizens to comply with all regulations, ordinances, and uniform codes against incorrectly-branded merchandise. Further instructions will be issued on the NFL Network, and you are strongly encouraged to contact your local cable provider to make sure you don’t miss a single minute of edicts, speeches, and inspirational documentaries on Grudenite overachievers. These orders go in effect immediately from now until Mister Irrelevant crosses the stage and the Standing Committee of the Samsung Galaxy Constituent Assembly solidifies a Permanent Football Government.
The National Football League reminds you that together, Chicago and the NFL will make the Draft a touchdown.
