I WILL FELL YOU WHERE YOU STAND ON THIS SPORTS TALK TELEVISION SHOW

By Stake Muskrev

So, you actually showed up. I admire your courage. And I will praise you for it even as your handlers drag your broken carcass from this studio, annihilated by your inability to support your feeble opinions about this morning’s biggest sports headlines on today’s Unnecessary Bluffness.

Go ahead and face me. Talk about whether Carson Wentz is a flash-in-the-pan or if he is For Real. And know that when you’ve finished sputtering out the last mealy-mouthed clause of your sentence, I’ll be waiting to respond and then bathing myself in a jug of your blood collected from our perforated studio floor on our final segment we call “The Last Word.”

Know this: I’ve destroyed every panelist in my path, and most of them were louder, more obese, and more riven with abrasive Midwestern regional accents than you. They took panelists out of here in a box after The Decision. I wrapped a drive-time host in his own intestines during the Cutler Wars of 2010. Were you watching when I ripped my shirt off, smeared a line of goat entrails across my chest, and screamed “THAT’S WHY YOU NEED THE WIN. WHAT’S THE POINT? IT’S TO WIN…THE GAME” at that SABR guy until all that was left of him was a marrow-smeared bow tie?

You’re on the big stage now. This isn’t that bullshit local show where you’re impaling some dopey columnist on a meathook in the wall while you’re talking about Tebowing. This isn’t even the Extra Points roundtable where you yell over four other guys in a nauseating sports talk free-for-all where a discussion about a college football player’s tweet that calls for paying players leaves you alone on camera with a pile of feet and eyeballs. This is Unncessary Bluffenss. I’m not some old man who started as the beat guy for the Washington Senators. I’m Stake Muskrev, and I’m going to have your gore-covered lav mic as a trophy.

When that saxophone music hits and I’ve finished the live read for daily fantasy sports, it’s just you and me under those lights. I’ve got you for 22 minutes of intense sports talk about the new touchback rules and the wild card game and standing up for the national anthem and I’m going to be wearing your skull by the time we get to the Helmet2Helmet segment. I hope you’ve got good a good take on Chief Wahoo because it’s going to be your epitaph.